Consequences
by AmyJ10
Summary: What would you do if you thought you only had hours left to live? How do you cope with the consequences? Olivia & Elliot make a mistake neither of them can ever forget. E/O *COMPLETE*
1. Chapter 1

**Title **- Consequences

**Summary **- What would you do if you thought you only had hours left to live?

**Rating **- PG for now

**Disclaimer** - I very obviously don't own anything! Bad times!

**So! This popped into my head while looking at a certain topic in the shippers forum. Thank you to everyone who commented and read Too late! And to those who are staying with Faultless! Enjoy!! X Please let me know what you think!**

She sat alone in the bathroom, shaking. Not quite sure what to do next. She struggled to think as emotions ran through her head, each one causing her to panic more and more. She remembered the events leading up to this, he was dying she was crying and then "it" happened. Trapped in a basement with no hope of rescue they kissed, she knew that he was still married but she also knew that they were going to die there, that no one would find them. Elliot had already been stabbed and she knew that within hours they would both be dead, they had been told by the sick son of a bitch who had held them there for days, beaten her and stabbed Elliot. She knew all of this, or at least she thought she knew. She didn't count on Cragen and Fin bursting through the door and saving them only a few hours before they were due to take their final breaths, before the air in the room finally dried up. She had given up hope days before. Olivia shook as she thought of the tearful pact she had made with her partner only minutes after they...made love? She wasn't sure what to call it, and they sure as hell had never addressed it. In fact they didn't talk at all anymore. It had been three months. He requested leave to be with his family, something she had cried over many nights as she lay alone reliving the terrifying ordeal. The only thing that got her through was remembering that they were both okay...they were both alive at least. She knew they had crossed the line and he would never forgive himself – or her. He loved his wife and children and she allowed him to betray them. So he left, she feared he was never coming back. He took his sweet time, causing her much agony in the process. When he came back she couldn't bear the thought of being confined with him, in a car, a lift even a mansion would be too close! She had told Cragen she was happy with her new partner, she made the mistake of thinking that Elliot would find her and tell her not to be so stupid and tell her that it would all be okay, that they could get back to normal. He didn't. So for 2 months they barely said a word to each other, every time she saw him she blushed thinking of his lips on her skin, her hands on his...she was taken back to reality as her phone rang.

"Uh...Benson." she said shakily,

"Liv, did I wake you?" she head Fin's voice. She took a deep breath,

"Uh, yeah I was uh, I was just taking a nap I uh...what is it Fin?" she asked,

"I just wanted to check you were okay? I mean you're usually hear by 9 sharp," he told her, she looked at her watch, it read 10.23.

"Crap, uh sorry I lost track of time I'll be there...soon. I'll be in soon."

"It's pretty dead in here don't worry, you're not missing out on anything. See you soon." He hung up, she put her phone back in her pocket and returned to the item that was causing her so much grief. She didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Only she could be this unlucky. A single tear slid down her cheek as she thought about what he would say, what he would do. She forced herself to get up off of the toilet she had been sat on for nearly 45 minutes and looked in the mirror. Her face was pale and she had bags under her eyes. She turned to the item on the toilet. As if it would make any difference she checked one last time, it was exactly the same. They had never spoken about the intimate moments they had spent together in the basement, neither of them dared to mention it. It was as if it had never happened. The only evidence was their shattered relationship. Until now, now the evidence was their shattered relationship and a little blue line.

**Please review, chapter 2 is all ready to go!! XxX**


	2. Chapter 2

Olivia sat at her desk staring at the blank screen across from her, millions of thoughts raced through her mind. She shuddered as she remembered the moments before she finally cracked and gave in to feelings that she had refused to let consume her for nearly 9 years. She shuddered as she remembered the sheer horror she'd felt as she thought she had lost him, Vickers had forced them to choose which one would die first. She remembered the look in Elliot's eyes as he grabbed her and pushed her behind him.

"_Me." He told Vickers, angrily pushing Olivia further behind him. "let her go, you can do whatever you want to me. Just let her go," Vickers smiled. He could see then through a mirror like the one in the interview rooms in the 1-6. He had spoken to them through an intercom into the room. They heard a loud bang and knew he was gone._

"_Elliot it is," with that they heard a door close, knowing it wouldn't be long before  
_

_"No, no." Olivia grabbed his shoulder, "Elliot, no don't do this. You...you have the kids...Kathy...please." she looked him in the eyes as tears filled her own. He shook his head,_

"_I can't leave you here," he could barely speak. She looked away from him,_

"_Elliot, there's still a chance we could get out of this, both of us. But one of us is getting out of here – it has to be you."she told him,_

"_How do you even know he'll let me go?" he asked, she bit her lip._

"_I don't, but there's a chance. You have...you know it has to be me. You know it," she put her hands on his arm, he shook his head. "El, think of your kids," she gulped. She was terrified but she couldn't let him die. No one would miss her. She didn't have children at home, she didn't have a husband._

"_I can't-"  
_

_"You have to, it's okay." She told him trying not to shake, he suddenly grabbed her and wrapped his arms around her, holding her tightly. She clung to him as she struggled not to cry._

"_I can't let you do this, there's gotta be something-" he didn't let go of her as he spoke.  
_

_"No, no heroics, he'll kill you, I need for you to be okay, okay? I need you to be okay-"  
_

_"Liv, I can't." His voice broke as he heard the key in the door. He clung to her even tighter than before. "No," she heard him whisper, she closed her eyes and gently pushed him away from her. Vickers walked through the door holding a gun, they had been locked in the airtight room for over 12 hours, she hoped that he would shoot her rather than make her die in that way. There was a time when she thought they might both get out alive but after hearing him talk to them she realised one of them wouldn't and she knew it had to be her._

"_I'm...I'm staying." Olivia told him trying to sound as brave as she could. She wondered if he could see her hands shaking, Vickers smiled. A sinister smile. Elliot knew exactly what was running __through his head. He couldn't leave her. He knew Vickers would rape and kill his partner, Olivia looked at him and nodded. Vickers left the door open but had the gun trained on Olivia,_

"_You can go now Elliot." He said, both Olivia and Elliot looked up in surprise, "You walk out this door, you keep walking. Lock the door behind you." He told him, she nodded again and closed her __eyes, she couldn't bear to watch him leave. Vickers looked up as Elliot didn't move, "Elliot, move." He told him,_

"_I...I can't." He stood where he was, "Liv, I'm not leaving you." Olivia opened her eyes,_

"_No, no, go." She told him, "Please we agreed, Elliot-"  
_

_"I can't leave you, I can't- I'm staying." He turned to Vickers, Olivia felt an overwhelming sense of panic, didn't he get it? She was doing this for him. To keep him safe. Tears filled her eyes again,_

"_No," she walked towards him and pushed him, "Elliot please," she tried to push him further and further towards the door. "You have to be safe-"_

"_No!" he angrily grabbed her upper arms, he had his back facing Vickers, "I can't leave you Liv," he looked strait into her eyes and without saying a word it suddenly became so real. She knew exactly why he wouldn't leave her, why he would never leave her. He stared straight at her, he couldn't leave her. He would rather die himself than loose her. He couldn't do it. Tears slid down her cheeks, they had almost forgotten Vickers was there. "I can't leave you," he told her again,_

"_This is touching it really is, how about I make it a bit easier?" he raised his arm and shot. Olivia screamed as Elliot jerked and fell into he. "Olivia, you can leave now you have 5 seconds." He told her,_

"_Go!" Elliot yelled as he struggled to breathe, the initial shock forcing him to his knees. Olivia openly sobbed as she sank to her knees, she shook her head._

"_No, no, no," she grabbed him as he sank further to the ground. Before she knew it Vickers wasgone as she was openly sobbing as she held Elliot in her arms,_

"_I'm okay, I'm okay." He repeated, "You...you should've gone."  
_

_"I can't leave you," she cried, I need to...I need to stop the bleeding...you're going to be okay, it's...it's your shoulder, you're going to be fine," she tore off her shirt leaving her in a vest top._

**

The terror she had felt as she thought he was going to die still haunted her, she looked up as Elliot walked into the office. Her heart jumped a little bit as the butterflies in her stomach attacked again.

"Hey," he avoided eye contact with her, he sat across from her where he always had.

"Uh, Elliot-" she started quietly, he looked up at her. "How uh...how are the kids?" she asked, he gave her a confused glance.

"Fine," he looked back down. He raised his hand to his head, she remembered how he had cradled her face with his hand as she cried.

_He was sat up against the wall, she was sat next to him. It had been hours since Vickers had shot her partner and she was still shaking._

"_How you doing?" she asked, surprisingly he seemed okay._

"_This is minor," he told her, she struggled to smile. He lifted his hand to her face, and cupped her cheek. His thumb wiped away a stray tear, "We're getting out of here," he told het gently,_

"_I thought you were dead," another tear fell, "You should have gone the door was open, you should have gone." She whispered, she could feel the air around her changing and she knew it wouldn't be much longer before the supply ran out._

"_I couldn't leave you, I could never leave you." He spoke through the pain. He was lucky he hadn't been shot in the back, he knew Vickers had intended to kill him but luckily he was only wounded, another few hours and he knew it would be more serious but for now he was more worried about his partner, he wiped away the tears as they fell from her eyes. "I couldn't...I tried,"  
_

_"I know," she told him, she bit her lip. _"_I can't..." she stopped, _

"_I know," he told her, she looked at him. He looked into her eyes, he didn't know if it was the wound or the ever decreasing air but he did something he didn't even realise he had been wanting to do for years. He gently pulled her face closer to his. He pressed his lips against hers, she put her hand on his good shoulder to steady herself, completely overwhelmed. She opened her mouth to his as he deepened the kiss, he brought his hand from her cheek to around her waist to pull her closer. He couldn't let her go. She moaned into his mouth as he pulled her closer again._

Olivia was shaken from her daydream as Fin walked past, he smiled at her as he rushed to wherever he was going, she had to talk to Elliot. She knew he would understand. He had kissed her, she responded, but he kissed her first. She knew he was embarrassed and regretted it, but they couldn't ignore each other forever.

"Elliot?" she called his name again.

"What?" he asked abruptly, she suddenly lost all of her courage.

"Forget it," she stood up and walked away leaving him alone. He closed his eyes, he knew he was being an ass. He didn't want to hurt her, hell he missed her. He missed her so much that if he let her in again even a tiny but he wouldn't be able to get her out of his head. He was married. He had beautiful children, he couldn't do this. He remembered the feeling of her underneath him. He shook his head, he had thought about nothing else when he first woke up in the hospital. It took him weeks to forget her smell, forget the feel of her hands on his chest. Her lips on his. It took him even longer to convince himself it was just an act of desperation. He couldn't let her in again. He knew he couldn't survive if he let her in, his marriage would be over. He hated being so horrible to her but he didn't have a choice, he knew she would understand eventually. Eventually she would forget what happened. And if he wasn't around her she had nothing around her to remind her...then they could get back to normal, he knew it would happen. He just needed to forget completely, and so did she. He had no doubt in his mind that eventually they would move on from this, maybe even forget it had ever happened...


	3. Chapter 3

**I hope everyone had an amazing christmas/holiday and had a chance to relax and had a generally great time xx**

Olivia lay in bed at 3 am struggling to sleep. She had to be up in 3 hours but nothing would help her sleep. It has been so tender, he had pulled her close and kissed her like she had never been kissed before. She'd still had tears rolling down her cheeks. She couldn't lose him. She sighed as she turned onto her side trying to get the memories out of her mind, no luck. She remembered the flutter in her heart as he reached for the top button on her shirt, could he feel her heart beating? Every touch made her more and more desperate for him. It had been so...gentle? She thought they were going to die, she was terrified, but every touch and kiss had eased her mind little by little? Again Olivia sighed as she turned back onto her back. He had kissed her forehead and pulled her close to him when they finished, she thought he would push her away but instead he held her closer than he ever had. She had clung to him as she struggled not to cry. For each moment he wasn't kissing her the fear crept back into her mind as she remembered the fate that was awaiting them both. She was the first one to break the silence,

_"You should have gone." She mumbled softly, he didn't reply. He kissed the top of her head again, struggling to think of what would have happened to her if he had left, with no doubt in his mind that he should be anywhere else than exactly where he was. He would never leave her._

She had been tired for weeks, yet every time she tried to sleep this would happen. Thoughts. Damn them. Memories...even worse. Hours before this she had absent mindedly placed her hand on her stomach, reality seemed to hit and before she knew it she was a quivering wreck. She blamed it on hormones, but she was terrified. She had tried a simple conversation with him earlier and it was like pulling teeth, maybe she should just come out with it.

"Morning, I'm pregnant." She shook her head, she didn't have the balls. Maybe a "you're having a baby" card? She laughed, not quite sure why she was laughing but what else was there to do? She knew why he was being the way he was, and for the most part she understood. She guessed he was embarrassed and angry at them both for being so stupid. She also knew that he was her partner, and a wonderful man. She knew she had to tell him. She...had to tell him? She had wanted a child for so long, just...not like this. This wouldn't work. She couldn't have Elliot Stabler's baby. Could she? Again she changed position hoping it would help her to sleep. The one night she drifted off to sleep without a hassle, she had woken up sweating and terrified. So many of the horrors before and after Vickers had forced them to choose which one of them would die haunted her. He had forced them to watch as he killed a victim, forced Eliot to watch while he had mercilessly beat his partner. But it was thinking of her final moments in the room with Elliot that really frightened her. She got scared, the air was running low and she was starting to panic, she didn't want to die like this. She was freezing cold, shaking and shivering, she couldn't stand there and watch him die. She didn't want to die like this. She remembered the look on his face as she whispered what she wanted him to do, his eyes had widened.

_"I know...what I'm asking...but I don't want to die like this Elliot, I just...I can't-"  
_

_"Liv-" he could barely speak, he was losing strength and blood. She knew he would die before her and she would be alone with him when she died, she was terrified of the death Vickers had planned for them, the air was becoming less and less sparse, she remembered the look of terror on the young girls face as Vickers room sucked the final few breaths out of her lungs. Even worse Vickers could come back and hurt Elliot again, he had figured that they were close already, she knew that when he laughed as Elliot screamed at him each time the monster had struck Olivia.  
_

_"I know, I know you think you can't but just...please." she looked up at him, the first time they looked at each other since they had made love.  
_

_"You're asking me to...to hurt you." He shook his head, "We're going to get out of here-" he told her breathlessly,  
_

_"We're not getting out of here Elliot, don't you get it? We're not getting out of here. And I can't –" She stopped and looked up at him, "If you really care for me-" she closed her eyes, she knew it was a low blow.  
_

_"Liv-" he closed his eyes, she knew she was losing him.  
_

_"If you really care for me you'll do it-"  
_

_"No," he froze as she grabbed his hand. He pulled it towards her, towards her throat.  
_

_"I know you're tired," tears filled her eyes, "Just, this last thing." She kissed his hand. "Please," tears streamed down her face._

Elliot shot up in his bed, it was the same routine every night. Some nights he would hear her pleas; remember how it felt to have his hand shaking, on her neck. Other nights he would hear her moan in his ear as he moved within her, kissed her neck and held her tightly. Other nights he would remember Vickers beating the crap out of her just to get a reaction out of him. He shuddered. He could have left her, when Vickers gave them the chance, he could have left but she would be dead...he would've hurt her and killed her. It wasn't even worth thinking about. Not to be able to see her smile, not to be able to talk to her...He sighed, not that he did that now. He ran a mile if they were even in the same room, he knew he was hurting her and he was defiantly hurting himself, they could get through this? They'd been through Gitano, losing kids and nearly each other on so many occasions. If they had made it through all that, why not this? He realised why, because of him. He was being so cruel, it wasn't her fault. She didn't have a ring on her finger. Her moans echoed in his mind as he struggled to shake them. He had stayed with her to make sure she wasn't hurt and so that he didn't lose her, only to push her away and for him to be the one that was hurting her. Talking to Olivia didn't mean he didn't love his wife. It didn't mean he didn't love his kids. He thought he was going to die, he knew that would never wash if he told Kathy, which is why he would never tell her. She had noticed that things had changed between him and Olivia she put it down to trauma, he could never tell her it was because he had done something so unforgivable it would kill her if she ever knew. He couldn't tell her how much it scared him that when he woke up in hospital he wanted to be with his partner again, wanted to hold her close and comfort her rather than his wife, which is why he had left for a while. And when he came back nothing had changed, every time he saw his partner, he wanted to reach out for her. Eventually, being so cold to her helped him, he stopped thinking about her semi naked body on his. Her lips over his and then his hand around her throat. But it wasn't working. As he lay back down he promised himself that he would make it right, if she would let him.

**

Olivia was running on empty after 45 minutes of restless sleep and before she knew it was sat at her desk, smiling graciously as Fin handed her a cup of coffee, she mentally kicked herself when she remembered that she couldn't drink it, pregnant and caffeine don't go hand in hand. She watched Fin frown as she put the coffee down without touching it,  
"I think I ate something..." she made up a silly excuse; she wasn't ready for people to know yet. Well, she wasn't ready to face Elliot yet; she knew she couldn't say anything without him finding out. She didn't know if it was the lack of sleep or the thought of Elliot but a wave of sickness washed over her,

"Hey, you okay?" Fin asked, she held her hand up and struggled to calm her stomach.

"Fine," she mumbled as she reached for the water in front of her.

"Was it Chinese?" Fin asked, she looked up at him with a confused stare, "The food?"

"Oh! Oh, uh, yeah. I'll stay away in future," she tried to joke as the nauseous feeling in her stomach eased slightly.

"You gonna be okay? He asked placing a hand on her shoulder, she nodded. She had to be. She looked up as Elliot walked in, he gave her a small smile. Her stomach flipped.

"Hey," she mumbled softly,

"Hey," he returned the mumble, she knew he was trying. That was all she needed. Maybe she could speak to him about this, maybe there was a way she wouldn't have to make this decision on her own?

"Benson, Stabler!" they both looked up as they heard Cragen call them. "We got him," he told them, "Vickers is on his way in, county caught him last night using your i.d card Stabler. He'll be here any minute. I want you to on this-"

"No," she didn't even realise she had spoken until she saw all eyes were on her, "Uh, maybe it would be better if-"

"He'll respond to you two more than anyone else, he thinks he's under your skin. That will be his downfall." Cragen walked back into his office,

"You okay?" Elliot asked walking closer to her, she nodded. "I uh, I'm sorry." He told her, she looked up at him.

"You don't have-"

"I do," he told her, "I'm sorry." He told her, she nodded.

"I'm sorry too," she said softly, unable to keep eye contact for too long. Her mind was screaming. "NOW TELL HIM NOW!" she shook her head. She couldn't tell him, now with Vickers on the way in. After they had spoken to Vickers she would tell him, she promised herself.

"You have nothing to be sorry for Liv," her heart skipped a beat as he called her Liv, she nodded again. "We're gonna be okay," he put his hand on the small of her back. "Let's nail this bastard." He gently led her towards the interview room.

**Okay I'm sorry I haven't been to quick with updates, but the next xhapter is written and ready to go andi'm halfway through chapter 5. Please let me know what you think, it really helps and thank you so much for all the reviews so far, i'm so glad you guys are liking the story - it's going to get a lot more complicated in the next chapter... x**


	4. Chapter 4

**As a post christmas treat I've decided to update this now, not even 24 hours after the last chapter, I fully intend to update this alot more. Reviews are really helpful, and I'd really appreciate it if you could take the time to just wrote what you think? Thanks to everyone who's following and who has reviewed xx**

**Thank you so much to Jessica R for working as the Beta, you did a great job!! X**

Olivia stopped at the door she was about to walk through. She took a deep breath. She would never admit it to anyone else, but she was terrified of Vickers – the things she had seen him do... she shuddered. She had enough going on without this. She felt a strong hand on her back.

"Uh, let's go in." Elliot mumbled. That single touch had been the first time he had touched her since "it" happened. He opened the door and walked in.

"Detectives, how are you both?" Vickers smiled looking directly at Olivia. Elliot stood in front of her momentarily, blocking Vickers' stare.

"You both look a lot better than when I last saw you," he smirked as Elliot and Olivia sat across from him. "Of course we have to wait for my lawyer to get here and that may be some time, so how about we think about the good times?" he leered.

"Where's Callie Greene?" Olivia asked him, ignoring his earlier comments. He looked up at her and smiled. She felt a rush of nausea course through her as she held his stare.

"My lawyer isn't here yet Olivia," he smiled. "I'll happily tell you everything when he gets here." Both Elliot and Olivia looked up with surprise. "You guys caught me; I can't deny it now can I?"

Olivia studied him. Something wasn't right. Why was he so smug? He was going to jail for a long time. "You know, I was just trying to remember something...uh maybe you can refresh my memory. Elliot, you

haven't said much today, maybe you can answer me? I heard Olivia was unconscious when they found you." They both looked up at each other.

"How did that happen?" he smiled, Olivia shifted in her seat.

"Injuries from you kicking the crap out of me," she said simply. She felt Elliot stiffen next to her, waves of guilt radiating off of him. She, too, had felt nothing but guilt since she asked him to end her misery. She manipulated him into doing what she wanted to; she just thanked God that he hadn't been strong enough to kill her. When she had woken up in the hospital she had lied straight away and told them that Vickers had attacked her – which he had. However, she left out the part about her and Elliot having sex and then her convincing him to strangle her. She had seen him briefly when he woke up and told him what she had said in her statement. They hadn't spoken about it since.

"Really?" he asked, shaking Olivia from her train of thought. "I knocked you unconscious? Or no, sorry, I strangled you because I heard you were stangled, I don't remember wrapping my hands around your throat, so you remember that Elliot?" Elliot's head shot up, "Do you remember me wrapping my hands round your partners throat?"

Olivia released the breat she didn't realise she'd been holding. She knew Cragen was watching from outside and she had to keep her cool. More importantly, she knew she had to keep Elliot calm. "Do you?"

He turned to Elliot, who still had not said a word. He couldn't. They heard a knock, and both headed for the door.

"You'll do it if you care about me," his smirk turned into a wide grin. Olivia's eyes widened. Elliot looked at him, his heart apparently trying to burst out of his chest. Memories of Olivia begging him to hurt her flooded through Elliots mind. "It's crazy the things we do for the ones we love, right?"

"You don't know what you're talking about." She shuddered. If he had heard her beg him to end her misery...what else had he heard...what had he seen? Oh god... She snapped out of her daze and turned to Elliot who was in a similar funk.

"It was pretty emotional to watch Olivia – like a film." He smiled. It was like he could read her mind. Feel her panic. "It had everything: drama, angst, the good guys the bad guys," he laughed. "You wanna know my favourite part?"

"Don't care," Elliot walked closer to the door, closely followed by Olivia. She didn't want to stay alone with him. "Enjoy prison-"

"Now I get why you didn't want to leave her with me, Elliot – you wanted her all to yourself-" He didn't have time to finish his sentence as Elliot slammed him angrily against the wall. Olivia ran forward and grabbed his shoulder. He pulled away from her roughly.

"Don't do this. He's going to prison," she told him gently.

"You didn't see anything," Eliot told Vickers through gritted teeth. "You hear me?"

"I didn't see anything." Vickers smiled. He turned his gaze to Olivia. "No doubt you two would just lie… No one would believe me, right?" he asked. She looked away.

"I don't know what you're talking about." She confirmed his suspicion. They were both frozen on the spot. Cragen pushed open the door and they both walked out.

**

Olivia followed Elliot as he practically flew into the locker room.

"He knows." He slammed his fist against his locker; she grabbed his arm to prevent him from swinging out again.

"He doesn't know." She was lying. There was no way after what he had said that Vickers didn't know how she had ended up unconscious. "It…it's okay."

"No!" he pulled away from her angrily. She backed away and looked up at him. "He knows. He knows that I-"

"Elliot, don't. Please, we don't have to do this." She'd never felt her heart beat so fast. She couldn't handle being so close to him. She knew that he felt awful about wrapping his hands around her throat, and she couldn't cope with the knowledge that she was standing before him pregnant with his child. She turned to walk away.

"You asked me to do it." He told her. She stopped where she was, raising her hand to her head. "You begged me," he shuddered as he remembered her gasps for breath as he tightened his grip on her throat.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I was scared..." There was a time when she would have never admitted to being scared in front of him, when she would have tried to hide it no matter what. She didn't know what barriers had broken down between them, and she'd never felt so vulnerable, but there she was telling him that she was terrified. "I'm sorry that I did that to you."

"I wake up and I think that you're dead. I nearly killed you." he held his hands out in front of him and stared at them, knowing the damage they could have done.

"I asked you to. I was scared that you would..."

"That I would what?" he asked her. She turned to him, shaking her head.

"Why are we talking about this now?" Her mind was racing back and forth. She didn't want to talk about this, but she needed to talk to him about it now. Her palms were sweating. How could she tell him that she asked him to kill her so that she wouldn't have to be alone with his body – because she couldn't stand the thought of being alive without him.

"He's going to tell the Captain that it was me, not him." Elliot began pacing back and forth.

"He won't believe it," she tried to convince him.

"So we lie?" He threw his hands up to his face and shook his head. "I can't – I thought we were going to die." She knew he wasn't talking about strangling her anymore.

"Elliot...so much happened that night we-" she braced herself to tell him. It was now or never.

"I can't do this." He threw his hands against the locker again. "I – I tried Liv, it's not working. I can't forget what I did to you."

"Did to me...or with me?" her voice was shaking. If he wouldn't bring it up, she had to.

"Don't." He turned away from her.

"We...we have to talk about this." She couldn't stop her hands from shaking. She was about to tell him. She was going to tell him that she was carrying his child.

"No we don't. You...we need to forget this." Again, he put his hand on his forehead.

"I can't," she whispered. She walked closer to him.

"Olivia, I love my wife." He couldn't look her in the eyes. She felt like she'd been punched straight in the stomach. "I would never ever...I wouldn't have done that if I hadn't thought we were… I lost a lot of blood." He couldn't talk about this with her; he couldn't – it made it too real. He couldn't look at her.

"I know that Elliot, I know. I tried to pretend it didn't happen."

As she spoke he sighed. Was she trying to tell him she wanted it to happen again? At that moment in time there was nothing he wanted more than to take her in his arms and kiss her again. He wanted to feel her hands all over him. He wanted to hear her gasp like she did when he entered her for the first time. He shook his head – he had to be strong. He wasn't that man. He would not cheat on his wife...not again.

"Olivia, please. I'm sorry but I'm not interested." As he spoke he walked past her and headed for the door.

Forget being punched, she felt like she had been stabbed in the stomach.

As he grabbed the door handle she spoke:

"I'm pregnant."

**Oooooooh cliffhanger!?! What do you think he's going to do? Hope you enjoyed this part please review, let me know what your thinking?xx**


	5. Chapter 5

**As promised here's another chapter, it's currently being beta'd for the occasiona grammer mistake but I oculdn't wait to get it to you - an extra long chapter too!! I hope you guys enjoy this - prepare yourself, it's not nice and fluffy at all, thank you to everyone who has read an reviewed! X**

She thought she would feel a massive sense of relief when she told him, that she thought she wouldn't feel quite so alone as soon as the words left her mouth. No such luck. She felt her heart jump into her throat as he froze; she'd never been more terrified in her whole life.

He couldn't breathe; he had to have misheard her. He couldn't comprehend the words that she had just spoken.

"What?" he didn't move, she bit her lip.

"I'm...I'm pregnant." She refused to cry, she just had to convince her body. Her voice was raspy and shaky and the tears that had formed in her eyes were threatening to overflow. She had never been more scared in her life.

He couldn't move. His hand was frozen on the door handle, his heart in his throat. Pregnant. He couldn't even get a single line of thought. He couldn't catch his breath. He didn't know what he was doing or why as he pulled open the door and walked out, leaving Olivia on her own.

As she watched him open the door and leave without having said a word the first tear fell. Her heavy heart sank even further as the pain in her chest exploded. "Oh God," she sobbed as she leant against the lockers as the tears continued to fall.

**

Munch watched as Elliot walked slowly out of the locker room. He was deathly pale.

"Stabler, you okay?" he called. He got no response. "You look like you've seen a ghost...a naked fat one," he told his colleague.

Elliot walked towards his desk, picked up his keys and walked towards the exit without saying a word.

**

Olivia had been sitting at her desk for an hour; it had been nearly two hours since her partner walked out on her. It had taken her nearly an hour to calm herself, to stop sobbing as she struggled to control her breathing. Luckily no one had walked in; she didn't know how she would have explained why she was sitting against a wall sobbing her heart out. Telling Elliot made everything so real, as if she hadn't truly accepted that she was pregnant. Suddenly telling him reminded her exactly how much of a mess she was in. That scared her enough. Then after telling him – she didn't know what to think about his reaction. She was yet again terrified. When her sobs had subsided she'd pulled herself up off of the floor and tried to pull herself together. She knew that Fin and Munch could tell she had been crying, but thankfully they were both too worried to comment on it. So for the next 64 minutes she sat in front of a blank computer screen, unable to find a straight line of thought. She had never felt so lost in her life, even when her mother died, when she found out who her father was. Nothing compared to this. She hadn't even noticed Fin moving closer to her.

"You okay Liv?" he asked softly.

She gave a weak smile and nodded, knowing that if she spoke she would cry again. Tears filled her eyes as she felt Fin's hand on her shoulder.

"Please..." she whispered, biting her lip as he pulled away. "I'm okay," she told him wiping her eyes.

"Liv -" he spoke softly. He didn't know what was going on, only that he had never seen her looking so vulnerable.

"It's fine," she sighed. She couldn't tell him. She knew he was concerned, and she appreciated it, but she had to hold it together. "I uh, I'm gonna go Fin."

"I'll tell Cragen," he told her.

She nodded in thanks before gathering her things and walking out.

Fin turned to Munch. "What's going on?" he asked.

Munch shrugged. "I don't know, all I know is Elliot walked out of here a few hours ago looking like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. I think it's Vickers being here."

"No, I've never seen Liv like that, it's more than that-"

"Fin, it's got nothing to do with us, you just have to leave them to it." Munch sighed and turned back to his computer.

**

Olivia walked up the stairs leading to her apartment. She'd driven in a haze and had no idea how she hadn't crashed. She was exhausted. The past few months were taking their toll on her body and mind. She couldn't remember the last time she had slept without having been woken by nightmares, or a night when she hadn't been lying awake in her bed for hours simply thinking about the things that had happened and, more recently, the consequences of her actions. As she struggled to remember what a night of full sleep was like, she got to the top of the stairs.

She froze as she saw him.

He was a stiff as a board outside her apartment. He had heard her coming but didn't move. He'd sat in his car outside of her apartment for hours. He couldn't remember how he'd gotten outside of her door, only that they were now both there.

She walked forwards slowly and cautiously, not knowing what to say. She opened her front door and walked in slowly, expecting him to follow. He didn't. She left the door open and walked inside. She took off her jacket, knowing he was still outside. After a few moments she heard him close the door. She swallowed hard as he stared at her, silently. She didn't know what to say, what to do.

"Is it true?" he asked.

She nodded, fear building up in the pit of her stomach.

"How...how long have you known?" he asked again, in a low monotonous tone.

She bit her lip. She couldn't find the words. The way he was standing, the tone of his voice – she couldn't figure out what he was thinking.

"How long?" he raised his voice, startling her. He was angry.

She shuddered. "A...a week or so." She had tried to sound so strong, however, the sound that came out was anything but.

"A week?" he repeated.

She nodded.

"You uh, you didn't think maybe I should know?" he finally looked up at her.

She couldn't hold his gaze and turned away. She wanted to tell him how lost she was, how desperately she needed him to hold her and tell her it was going to be okay. "Elliot, I don't know what-"

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked her, the pained expression on his face telling her that he was just as lost as she was.

"I...I didn't know how to."

She was standing directly across from him; his hands were by his sides while hers were joined together. Silence filled the room again.

"So you just blurt it out?" he asked, a slight delayed reaction.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

He shook his head before looking up at her again. "How could you let this happen?" he looked her directly in the eye.

She frowned. "What?" she thought she had misheard him. "I..."

"You weren't using anything?" he asked, almost accusingly.

She shook her head.

"The pill, you weren't on the pill?"

"Elliot, I-" she shook her head. Did she really have to tell him that there hadn't been anyone since Sealview?

"Or the morning after pill? You didn't think about it?"

"Did you?" she asked him. She turned away from him taking a deep breath, "I...I took the morning after pill."

"Yeah?!" he snorted, "I can see that."

"Don't. Don't do this," she told him. She couldn't cope with his sarcasm. "It becomes less reliable the further away you take it-"

"Why didn't you tell me that?! There must have been something else you could have done?"

She shook her head. How could he blame this all on her? "I didn't think that this would happen Elliot," she raised her voice to match his, "You left, what was I supposed to do?"

"Call me."

"I tried-"

"Once!" he yelled angrily. He suddenly felt a pang of guilt when he remembered staring at his phone as her name flashed on the screen, refusing to answer it. "You tell me that you're...that you're..." he sighed and raised his hand to his face. "I...what are you going to do?" he asked.

She turned to him. "What?"

"What are you going to do?" he repeated his question.

"I don't know. We need to talk-"

He raised his left hand. "I'm married," he said matter of factly, a cruel blow as she stood in front of him with nothing to fall back on.

"I know," she hung her head.

"I can't do this," he shook his head again. "I don't...I can't." He couldn't get his words out.

"Elliot, we have to talk about this."

"What am I supposed to do with this?" he asked. "What do you want me to do?"

"I..." she sighed, not knowing what she wanted him to do. She wanted him to know what he was supposed to do. She wanted him to hold her, comfort her like he had done when they were alone, trapped with no hope of rescue. She wanted him to gently kiss her forehead again and tell her it was all going to be okay. She was shaken from her thought by the low tone of his voice.

"Have you been seeing anyone?" he asked.

She looked up at him slowly, "What?"

"Have you been seeing anyone?" he repeated his question.

She frowned again, "Why...what...?" she looked up at him. She couldn't quite believe what he was asking. She caught his gaze again, "No," she said simply.

"The date you had...a few months ago-"

"Elliot-"

"You had a date with some...some guy-"

"Ask me," she told him.

He looked up at her.

"Ask me," she repeated, her mind whispering "Don't ask me, please, don't ask me."

He took a deep breath. "Are you...are you sure it's mine?" he needed to know. He wouldn't be trapped again. He loved his children dearly but the first and last weren't planned. He'd often thought about the motives behind their births. He loved Kathy and he knew she wasn't a bad person, but he also knew the desperate lengths some women go to.

"Get out," she spoke slowly, stirring him from his thoughts. She couldn't believe after 11 years of being his partner, he would ask her that question. Didn't he know her? Better than anyone else? Apparently not. How could he doubt what she was telling him? She would have told him straight away if there had been someone else.

He stood where he was.

"I said get out."

"Just...just answer me, the guy you went out with... he might, I mean the time-"

"I didn't sleep with him Elliot, and even if I had I would have been careful."

As she spoke he shook his head, "Please, you get...you get caught up in the moment it can happen-"

"Get out Elliot." She couldn't believe what he was saying to her, firstly trying to have her admit to sleeping with someone she'd been out on one date with, and secondly to get him to take responsibility for his mess.

"Just tell me-" he looked up. "Moss, maybe one last time for old time's sake?" He was panicking and she knew it, but it didn't make it hurt any less.

"Elliot I haven't slept with anyone for months, 7 months okay. Is that enough for you-"

"7 months?" The math didn't add up. It had only been 6 months ago that he'd been introduced to Kurt.

She knew what he was thinking but she couldn't admit to him that for the last month of their relationship she had avoided physical contact with him. Now wasn't the time to tell him about what had happened in Sealview. She knew that he wouldn't understand, not now. Not while he was trying to find any excuse to get out of being the father of her unborn child.

"It's yours Elliot, it's yours! Now get out of my-" she stopped mid sentence, this wasn't going to work, they needed to talk. She knew it and so did he.

He was silent for a few minutes before speaking again. "Did you do it on purpose?" he asked, interrupting her taking this to a new level.

She was shaking with anger as she walked towards the front door.

"I know you want kids- you...you didn't take the pill-" He needed her to confirm to him that it was just an accident, he couldn't stand the thought of her tricking him.

As much as he knew he was being unreasonable the doubt in the back of his mind was pushing forwards. He just needed her to tell him straight, be honest with him. If he was perfectly honest he needed someone to blame, and it was either him or her. It was much easier for him if she had done this on purpose, because then he was the innocent party.

"You son of a bitch, get the hell out!" she shouted at him angrily. She was not Kathy Stabler and she'd be damned if he tried to transfer his wife's actions onto her. As she tried to pull open the door he pushed it shut.

"You knew this could happen! Why the hell didn't you do something?" he yelled.

She had never been angrier in her whole life.

"I did everything I could, apart from not touching you at all."

"You finally got what you wanted-"

"Don't you dare – you think you're innocent here?! You kissed me! You started this-"

"I thought we were dying-"

"You still cheated on your wife, dying or not, and now you're trying to ease your guilt by making me the bad guy. Screw you Elliot. You have no right to turn up here with this...bullshit!"

"You tell me you're pregnant, it's mine and I'm just supposed to be thrilled? How the hell do I know you weren't planning this?! We both know you're desperate for a baby Olivia." He stepped closer to her.

"Not yours!" she pushed him away from her.

"Could've fooled me, you've been hung up on me for years. Kathy was right!"

He wanted to stop. He wanted to take back everything he was saying but couldn't. He was terrified. His wife was going to leave him; he would never see his kids again. He couldn't deal with this.

"You bastard," she whispered as tears filled her eyes.

She was right. He knew it. He was a bastard. He was sorry - he wasn't aware of it yet, but he was sorry. He was about to be a lot more sorry.

"Are you keeping it?" he asked. His Catholic guilt stabbing in his gut, he couldn't believe he'd asked the question, but did nothing to retract the statement, it was her choice he knew it and he felt helpless.

She looked up at him, struggling to control the tears that were on the verge of escaping. She didn't understand how he could be so cruel. She knew him better than anyone else and she knew exactly what he was doing and why. She had hoped that his feelings for her would override his panic. She almost laughed out loud, feelings for her. He had just made it obvious that he didn't feel anything for her and never had. She thought that when he kissed her, she finally understood how he felt for her - the way he tenderly pulled her closer and refused to let go. As the first tear fell she hated herself for wasting all the years she had pining after a man who couldn't possibly care about her, not after everything he had just said. The Elliot Stabler she thought she knew was a good man. She couldn't even begin to understand how she had been so wrong.

"I don't want another kid."

His words stabbed through her heart.

"I'll lose everything," he told her.

She swallowed the sobs that had been threatening to escape. "So what do you want me to do?" she asked him softly, not quite believing it had come to this.

"I...I know you didn't do it on purpose," he admitted. She closed her eyes as more tears fell. "And I'm sorry." She couldn't look at him. "But I can't do this Olivia. I don't want another baby, especially not ..." he trailed off, she knew exactly what he was thinking "Not with you" her heart lurched. He looked up at her unable to finish his sentence, he wanted to say "not like this" but he just couldn't go there, he couldn't tell her that maybe if he wasn't married this would be perfect and they'd be having a very different conversation with tears of happiness instead of fear, "I can't...I don't want anything to do with this-"

"Elliot," she sobbed, dangerously close to breaking down.

"Is this really what you want?" He was trying to reason with her, trying to make her understand how bad it would be for them if she had the baby. He had never felt lower in his life, he knew what he was doing but he couldn't risk losing everything he had ever worked for. "This was never meant to happen." He told her, his voice full of regret. He cared so deeply for Olivia, but his fear overwhelmed him. He didn't want to hurt her - it was the last thing in the world he ever wanted for her, but what was he supposed to do? He didn't know what to do. He wanted to hold her in his arms and promise her that he would take care of her, promise her that no matter what she chose he would be there. But the selfish, married man, the man he never wanted to be wouldn't leave him long enough to comfort her. "I'm sorry," he pulled open the door, "I need time, I can't...I'm sorry." With that he left, hating himself more than he ever had.

Olivia slowly slipped down the wall as her sobs enveloped her. How could he do this to her? She pulled her knees to her chest as heart threatened to break there and then.

**

Hours later after he had calmed down and finally come out of shock from her admission, he promised himself he would return a day or so later, apologise and speak rationally with her - possibly hold her like they both wanted so badly. He couldn't even fathom how vile he had been to her, the woman he cared about so much. He knew he could never forget the way he was with her, he only hoped she could forgive him. He couldn't even explain it to himself. He knew he was scared and the easiest option was to blame her, for it to be her fault. He was in shock when he had spoken to her. He should have left her – gone to her after the facts had sunk in. He knew it wasn't her fault. She was right, he had kissed her, he had initiated it. She had been slightly reluctant, he felt in her kiss. He forced it; he pulled her closer to him. He didn't know what was going to happen but he knew he had to apologise, he knew it wasn't going to be easy and the fear in his stomach threatened to envelop him. He needed time to think, time to understand how he was going to make it right, unaware that he had had his last chance. His only chance.

**Sooooooo what do you think? Do you hate me? Do you hate Elliot?? Lol! I hope you enjoyed this part I really really enjoyed writing it, and I know exactly where I'm going with thiss oo please please bear with me! X x Reviews are always always welcome! X**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hey everyone, your response to the last chapter was amazing!! Thank you - although at times I was a little scared he he.**

**This chapter deals with some very sesnsitive subject so please bare, this was the hardest part to write, I found myself talking to Jessica at 3 am in the morning panicking that it wasn't working at all? I know some of you aregoing to be shocked with the direction this is taking but please bare with me?**

**This chapter is completly from Elliot's POV and after struggling for hours to get it right I hope you guys think I've done a good job.**

**Once more I hope everyone is well, and thank you again for being so great with this story!**

**Thank you once again to Jessica, you are a life saver!!**

This wasn't Elliot Stabler. He wasn't a bad guy, he didn't cheat on his wife, he didn't hurt his best friend to try and save himself. Elliot Stabler wasn't the sort of man who abandoned his pregnant partner, hearing her sobs as he stood outside her door, trying to catch his breath. Elliot Stabler didn't run away, and yet at that moment in time all he wanted to do was run away as fast as he could and forget about the mess he had made. He lay awake in bed, unable to close his eyes for longer than a few seconds before the fear in the pit of his stomach built up again. His sleeping wife shifted, causing another wave of panic to flood his system. Wife. He had a beautiful wife, and five amazing children. He mentally kicked himself for being the most ungrateful bastard in the world, and turned onto his side. He'd never hated himself more, no matter what he had done or whom he had hurt. He had officially managed to hurt everyone he had ever cared about, all at the same time. His wife would be heartbroken, his children would hate him and Olivia...Olivia, he wiped his hand over his face.

As he heard Kathy shift again he closed his eyes, worried that she would realise he was awake. Every time he spoke to her his stomach would turn. Cheating on his wife was low, and he hated himself for it. Speaking to her was painful. Every word he spoke brought him closer to blurting out that he had slept with someone else. Not just anyone, Olivia - the woman Kathy had always been so bothered by. She would never forgive him, and she had every right not to.

His thoughts drifted back to the way he had spoken to Olivia. He thought sleeping with her, cheating on his wife, would be his lowest moment. He was so wrong. He'd never been more ashamed of himself than he was every time he thought about the woman who was now carrying his child. He'd accused her of the most horrific things - things he knew Olivia would never, ever do. He knew that she was terrified. She had been shaking when she spoke to him, and the tears...watching her cry over him nearly broke his heart, yet at the time he had been so blinded by fear that he couldn't do anything. He knew Olivia better than anyone, in the same way that she knew him. She was hurting now, and it was all because of him. Although he couldn't help but resent the situation, he knew he couldn't leave her alone to deal with the consequences of both of their actions. He had to speak to her again. He still didn't know what to do, but he knew that he couldn't abandon her as much as he may have wanted to when he first heard her speak the words that were now causing him so much anguish. He couldn't think straight, and his feelings for Olivia became so intertwined with his fear and panic, that he didn't know what to think about her anymore. He knew that he cared for her more than he was supposed to, and he knew exactly how cruel he was being and had been, but he felt like he had to choose between her and his family. He couldn't bear to see the looks on his children's faces if they found out what he had done, so he had pushed his feelings for Olivia aside and had only thought about saving his family.

This was the mantra that had gotten him through the first 24 hours, but the guilt that consumed him afterward was almost too much to bear. As much as his fear had tried to convince him that it was her fault alone, he knew this was unreasonable and if nothing else he had to do the right thing by her. He didn't want to hurt her. He'd never wanted to do anything to harm her, and he hoped that she would be able to understand that he was stuck between a rock and a very, very hard place. He shuddered thinking of the way he had so casually asked her what she was going to do. He should have told her there and then that the last thing he would want would be for her not to have the child. That couldn't be the answer. He was terrified of losing his wife and children and he knew that he would have a lot of questions to answer, but he had to man up and take responsibility for what he had done. He needed to speak to Olivia, to find out what she was thinking...if she ever spoke to him again.

He heard Kathy shift.

"Are you awake?" she asked softly. He moved slightly. "Elliot?"

"Yeah?" he answered softly.

"You okay? You've been tossing and turning all night...is something wrong?" she gently lay her hand on his shoulder.

He hated himself. He turned to her. "Kathy...I..." he took a deep breath in, she had to know. He couldn't keep lying to her and to himself.

"What is it?" she put her hand on his cheek, genuinely worried. "Elliot, what's wrong-"

"I did something..." his voice shook as he spoke, and he struggled not to break down there and then. "And I'm...I don't know how to-"

"What...what did you do?" her eyes were wide with fear as millions of possibilities ran through her head. "Elliot, what did you do?" Tears filled her eyes. Was her husband about to admit to having an affair?

He looked right at her as he prepared to tell her, and felt his heart sink. He took a deep breath and braced himself.

"Elliot-"

"I forgot to pick Eli up today..." he lied. He couldn't do it. He couldn't break her heart – he just couldn't. He watched as a sigh of relief escaped from his wife's mouth. "Katie had to go and pick him up and I'm..." he looked up at her, "I'm so sorry," he shook his head.

Kathy pulled him into a tight hug, with no idea what he was truly apologising for. "You're an idiot. Kathleen told me she picked him up, he wasn't on his own..."

In his head her voice trailed off. He was a bastard, sitting in his wife's arms knowing what he had done, while she did not have any clue that he had hurt her more than she would ever be able to forgive.

**

Elliot braced himself as he walked towards his desk. She wasn't there. He'd been awake all night, eventually coming to the realisation that he had never been more ashamed of himself. As much as he berated himself over hurting Kathy and the children, what he had done to Olivia had been unforgivable. He'd treated her like she didn't mean a thing to him, and there was no way that she deserved it. This revelation had struck him after 5 hours of thought about his family: She was his family. She was always there for him, always looking out for him and putting up with his bullshit. The situation was dire, but she didn't deserve any of the panic-induced insults that he had thrown at her. He knew that this time he had gone too far, but she needed him and he was sure as hell going to be there for her. He was still frightened, and he knew that he was at the centre of a lot of future hurt, but he wasn't a coward. He wasn't his father, and Olivia meant too much to him. He prayed that she would forgive him, but he knew that it would take time. She needed him – she needed him and he had turned her away, but he was going to make it right. He pushed away the fear that reminded him that he was going to lose everything and took a deep breath as he heard footsteps behind him.

"Stabler," he turned with a frown as he heard Cragen, "Benson won't be in for the next few days, you're with Fin."

"Uh, is she okay?" he asked, knowing that she wasn't and that it was his fault.

"She came in this morning, looked like hell, told me she needed some time off for medical leave. I don't think she gave herself enough time after Vickers..."

As Cragen continued, Elliot's mind began to race. Medical leave. Was she ill? Was it the baby? The baby - his baby. It was the first time he'd thought about it as a baby rather than a problem, mainly because his guilt wouldn't allow him to. He loved his children more than he ever thought he was capable of loving anyone. The thought of not having each one of them by his side caused his heart to ache. Refusing to accept that he was feeling anything paternal for the unborn child, he pushed it to the back of his mind. Olivia was still his partner....his friend, and he had to check to see whether she was okay.

As Cragen finished Elliot rose from his seat. "Uh Captain, I'll be back." He didn't give his CO a chance to reply as he quickly left.

**

After knocking for the third time, he picked up his phone and dialed, relieved when he heard the gruff voice at the end of the other line.

"Elliot, what's up?" Fin asked.

"Uh, is Liv there?" he asked looking at his watch again; maybe she had decided to go back to work. She hated sitting around. She did anything she could to avoid moping, including working 18 hour shifts.

"No, Cragen said she was gonna be off for a few days, not feeling well."

"Is there anything on her desk? Like a note or anything?" he chastised himself for not thinking to check earlier. Maybe she had left some sort of note for him. Even if it said "Go to hell" he would at least know what frame of mind she was in.

"No, no note there's uh, there's a number here?"

"Does it say what it's for?"

"No, it's just a number."

The tone of Fin's voice told Elliot he was getting frustrated, or confused as to why Elliot was frustrated. He couldn't quite tell which. He wrote down the number as Fin read it aloud.

"Is everything okay?" Fin asked.

"Everything's fine, I just want to check to see if she is okay, thanks." He hung up and began dialing the number Fin had given him, hoping that it would help him to find her.

"Hello, Faith Field Women's Clinic."

As the woman spoke Elliot's heart stopped. He knew the clinic because of a case he and Olivia had been working on. A young rape victim had decided to terminate her pregnancy, something he'd watched Olivia struggle with. Regardless of her internal conflict, Olivia had still held the young girl's hand, comforted her and sat with her as she waited in the clinic. He couldn't contain the crushing pain in his chest as he thought of the reason that Olivia would be there. Millions and millions of conflicting thoughts ran through his head as the truth of the situation suddenly hit him. What had he done?

Before he could do anything he heard shuffled footsteps coming up the stairs, and there she was. He'd never felt more relieved. He had so many things he wanted to say to her. He was about to thank God that he had found her, when she slowly climbed the final step and he saw her face. That look - the look of complete and utter defeat. Her eyes were red and puffy, tears streaming down her face. He'd never seen her looking so pale. He knew. In that instant he knew. He raised his hand to his mouth struggling to string a sentence together as she ignored him and slowly walked past him. He grabbed the wall for support as a wave of nausea crashed through him. He heard the key in the door as he struggled to compose himself. Before he could say anything, he heard it, and it broke his already damaged heart. He pushed himself away from the wall to look at her as her tiny sob threatened to break him. She was leaning into the door with her back to him, her shoulders shaking as sobs took over her body.

He'd never felt so lost in his whole life, so numb.

He forced himself towards her, unable to speak. As she finally pushed open the door he followed. She had her hand on her stomach and she was trying to control her sobs. He stood watching her, unable to move. After what seemed like an eternity he stepped forward, the overwhelming sense of loss threatening to consume him. He looked at her. She was still shaking, biting her lip to prevent anymore sobs. What had he done to her?

"Liv..." he barely whispered, tears forming in his eyes as the realisation of what had happened hit him. His child...their child... He stepped forward. She placed her hand over her mouth, struggling to compose herself as he stepped even closer. His shaking hand stretched out to cup her cheek, quickly followed by his other one. As she began to sob again he leaned forward gently pressing his forehead against hers. He was desperate to wrap his arms around her, but didn't for fear that she would break. His first tear fell as they mourned together. She put her hands over his as her sobs subsided.

"I'm...I'm so sorry...God, I'm so sorry." He could barely speak.

She gently pushed his hands away from her face and pulled back.

He looked up at her, desperate for some sort of sign that it was okay to hold her, that she knew how sorry he was. The dull ache in his cheat was now threatening to completely overwhelm him as he openly cried in front of her, still numb.

"Liv?" he choked.

For the first time she looked up at him. She took a deep breath before whispering, "It's too late."

**So...what do you think? PLease don't kill me, i know exactly where i'm going with this please read and review guys, thank you xx x**


	7. Chapter 7

**Okay so I know a lot of you were confused by the last chapter, you guys have been wicked so far and every review makes me sooooo happy so thank you, I promise I know where I'm going iwth this, it's just going to be a rather long ride, luckily there's enough room for everyone to come along so please....come with....let me know what you think! You're reviews help me to write the next part that little bit quicker....**

**Thank you as always to my wonderful Beat writer, you are a diamond xx**

6.45 am. He'd been sitting in the same place for 6 hours. His wife had kissed him goodnight, still worried about why her husband was so quiet, but had gone to bed without him. It had been 3 weeks since he'd seen her, cried with her and then over her, 2 weeks since Cragen informed him that he would be getting a new partner, and 1 week since he'd been suspended for hitting Fin.

"_It's too late."_

Those were the last words she had spoken to him before walking into her bedroom and closing the door. He'd waited hours for her to come out, unable to follow her – knowing she didn't want him to, before eventually leaving. He remembered getting into his car, then grasping the steering wheel as he finally broke. As he sat in the dark silence, all of the things he should and could have done trampled through his already battered mind. He finally understood how regrets could tear a man to shreds: regret, guilt, loss and feeling so ashamed of himself he thought he'd never be able to look in the mirror again. He had tried to call her a few hours after he left her, when he finally pulled himself together.

She didn't answer.

He didn't know whether to persist or to give her time, terrified he'd lost her forever, secretly knowing that she would never forgive him. He felt no anger towards her, only sadness...sadness thinking of how desperate she must have been because of his reaction to her, and how much he knew she would hate herself after what she had done. He didn't know how he would ever be able to face her again, knowing what he had pushed her into - what he'd made her feel she had no other choice but to do.

Yet the fear of facing her again was nothing compared to the despair he felt when Cragen told him that she was gone. He'd struggled to stay standing, fearing his legs would buckle beneath him. He knew that there had been a chance, but he had not expected it to happen so soon. He hadn't managed to speak with her to check to see if she was okay. She wouldn't answer his calls or open the front door.

Any other man in his position may have felt relief, but Elliot could barely breathe due to the feeling of loss that overwhelmed him. His only coherent thought for the past 3 weeks was that he had to see her. He had pushed through his pain, trying to find out where she had gone. Today he was struck by the realization that she really _was_ gone. She hadn't transferred from SVU - she'd left for good. Her phone was cut off. Cragen swore he didn't have another number for her, as did everyone else. Fin had grunted at him, still nursing a black eye after he'd pressed Elliot for information about what was going on. He had been concerned for his friend, but Elliot snapped. Finally Elliot became so frightened that Olivia could have hurt herself, that he used his key to get into her apartment. As he stood in the empty living room he shuddered thinking of the last time he had been there. Now, after sitting up all night thinking of the woman he could never make it up to and the child he would never know, he struggled to think of how he could ever relieve the heavy, constricting feeling in his chest. He knew all too well that if Olivia didn't want to be found, he would never see her again.

He looked up as he heard footsteps.

"Elliot," Kathy sat next to him, putting her hand on his leg. "What's wrong? Please tell me what's going on," she begged him.

"Nothing," he whispered.

"You haven't been sleeping. You've barely said a word to me and the kids... Has something happened? Are you sick?" she asked, making him feel just that little bit worse. He needed to talk to someone about Olivia, but surely not his wife.

"Elliot please?"

"Olivia's gone," he told her.

She looked up at him with confusion. "What do you mean?"

"She's gone. She's not coming back. I don't know where she is," he sighed, getting up.

Kathy followed him with her gaze, trying to understand. She couldn't help but feel annoyed that her husband was falling apart because of another woman.

"She's undercover again?"

"No..." he leaned on the counter. "For good, she's gone for good."

"Did something happen? Another bad case?" she was struggling to understand why Olivia would suddenly leave with no warning and no goodbyes. She didn't get any response from her husband. "Elliot," she shook her head, "Did something happen when you were held captive?" she asked softly.

His heart stopped.

"Did...did that man hurt Olivia?"

This would make sense to her. He hadn't mentioned Olivia at all since he had gotten out of hospital. She knew that things were strained between them.

"You said that he beat her and made you watch... Did he...did he rape her?" she could barely say it. If Elliot had been forced to watch his partner be assaulted, it was no wonder why he had been so traumatized.

"Kathy..." He couldn't even think about that happening. It would have killed him.

"Oh my God." She heard the pain in his voice and assumed she had been right. "Elliot-"

"No...no he didn't," he raised his hand to his face. "I would never have let him do that..."

"Elliot it's not your fault, baby. God, it's no wonder you've been so quiet... Why didn't you tell me-"

"He didn't...he didn't do that." He couldn't say it. The thought made him want to empty his not-so-full stomach. "He didn't, I just..." he had to pull himself together, "I just...didn't get to say goodbye," he sighed again.

Her sympathy turned to anger.

"Elliot, I know she's your partner...your friend-"

"Kathy-"

"No, please, just listen to me. You can't do this to yourself every time she leaves, it's not fair. And she has no right to keep doing this to you." She stood up and walked closer to him.

"Kathy-"

"No, Elliot. She can't get up and go every time it gets too tough. If only she looked out for you the way you always looked out for her. She knows you'll be going out of your mind."

"Kathy stop – it's not like that!"

"And you're still sticking up for her. You're sitting here like a zombie thinking about her because she's left you again, and you're sticking up for her? What does she have to do before you finally start seeing who she really is? Kill someone!?"

The words shot through him like a bullet.

Kathy raised her hand to her head. Arguing about Olivia Benson wasn't what she'd intended upon doing when she came down to check on her husband. She walked over to Elliot and pulled him into an embrace. "I'm sorry. This isn't your fault. I know you're upset but maybe it's for the best?" she whispered as she ran her hands through his short hair.

He shuddered as she drew her hand along his back. "I slept with her."

It was out before he even thought about it - the short whisper that had been fighting to get out for 3 months.

Kathy froze, momentarily staying where she was.

"What?" she barely whispered. She pulled away from him, eyes wide.

"I...I'm sorry..." his voice shook, the look in her eyes terrified him.

"You..." she couldn't breathe, "what?" She threw her hand up to her mouth.

"I'm sorry... Kathy, I'm so sorry...it...it wasn't meant to happen..."

"You...you had sex...you had sex with her?" Tears were quickly forming in her eyes. "You had sex with her?!" she shouted as the first tear fell.

He stepped towards her.

"I'm sorry...please just...I didn't mean for it to happen...it was just once I-" he froze as she slapped him hard across the face.

"You son of a bitch, get out!" She angrily pushed him towards the front door.

"Kathy, please! Please don't do this-" he begged as she pushed him again.

"How could you do this?! How could you do this with her? How could you do this?" She began to sob, walking back into the living room.

He followed with caution, and was about to try and speak again when he heard:

"Daddy?"

He turned to see Lizzie, eyes wide at the sight of her mother sobbing. "What's going on?"

"Go back to bed baby-" he swallowed the lump in his throat. He wasn't ready for the kids to hate him yet.

"Why are you crying, Mom? Has something happened to Kathleen?" she asked, frightened.

"No, no baby just-" she sniffed and wiped her eyes trying to force a smile. "Just go back to bed okay, everything's okay,"

"Mom-"

"Go back to bed!" she shouted.

Lizzie looked at her father. He nodded. She slowly walked out.

"How long?" she asked, trying to appear strong.

"What?"

"How long? Weeks? Months? Years?" she steadied herself by gripping onto the counter.

"No...it was once..." He stayed glued to the spot, too afraid to move in case she threw him out.

"How could you do this?" She looked at him, and he couldn't hold her glare.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't want to hurt you, I didn't mean to-"

"You say you didn't mean to one more time Elliot..." she warned. "You sit here, crying to me about a woman you slept with?"

"I'm sorry..."

"I felt sorry for her! Oh my God, what an idiot – this whole time I'm worried about her and she's sleeping with my husband-"

"It wasn't like that. It-"

"Don't you dare! Don't you dare stand up for her," she shook her head. She began to sob again.

He had known it would be bad, but he had no idea how bad it would be.

"Why her?" Kathy whimpered.

He looked up at her.

"Out of everyone...why did it have to be her?"

"I...I thought we weren't going to make it, I thought we were going to die and I was scared." His voice was shaking as he tried to explain something that wasn't ever going to make it okay.

"When I'm scared I come home to you!" she shouted through the tears.

"I couldn't Kathy. I thought he was going to kill us. He shot me and I was scared-"

"You..." she looked up confused. "When you were held captive?" she asked.

He nodded. "I never would have...I'm so sorry," he repeated for what seemed to be the millionth time.

She looked up at him again. "So she waits until you're injured, and pounces-"

"No-" he stopped, remembering her earlier warning. "It was me...I'm...I started it."

"But she didn't say no?"

He couldn't understand it. Did she want for both of them to just blame Olivia?

Kathy still couldn't think straight, the revelation shocking her into submission. Her husband had slept with someone else - not just anybody else but her..._her_. Kathy's hands were shaking as she gripped the counter tighter and tighter.

He looked like a lost puppy as he looked at her, terrified.

How could he have done this to her, to her children?

"We thought we were going to die," was his only excuse.

"I'd be thinking of you and the children, not...not her. Did you even think of me?"

"Of course I did-"

"Before or after you had sex with her?" she shot at him.

He closed his eyes.

"Kathy, please-"

"No, I want to know. Maybe _while_ you were having sex with her? Did you think about me then?"

"Please-" he whispered.

"I have been worried sick about you these past months, thinking of everything that could have happened to you while that animal had you trapped down there, and this whole time, _this whole time_...it was a guilty conscience. You had to look me in the eye, sleep in our bed, knowing what you did. Here I am thinking that he may have made you watch him do horrific things to your partner, when in actual fact it was you! You did the things he would have done if you'd left her alone with him – is that why you didn't leave her? It all makes sense now! Either way she was gonna get some so it's okay for her-"

"Kathy stop! God, stop – it wasn't like that. I didn't leave her because he would've killed her! She was trying to protect me! She tried to push me out the God damned door!"

"Great. Tell her I said 'thank you,' won't you?" she snorted angrily.

"I...I know I can't make this right. I just...I need you to know I never wanted to hurt you."

"Do you love me?" she asked. She sounded so frail and breakable.

"God, yes. Yes I love you."

"Do you love her?" she stared right at him, waiting for his answer.

He shook his head. He didn't know how he felt for Olivia. He never really knew, but for now he did all he could to save his marriage and his children.

"No," he ran his hand through his hair.

"Then why?" she asked, tears filling her eyes again. "Did she...did she want it to happen again? Is that why she left?" She needed to hear him say yes, that Olivia wanted it to happen again and he turned her down - told her that he loved his wife.

He shook his head.

"Then what? You wanted it-"

"No...no..." he braced himself. "I just need you to know that I do love you, and that there's no way you could hate me more than I hate myself..." his voice trailed off as tears filled his eyes.

Kathy struggled to compose herself. Had he pursued her? Had she left because he wanted it to happen again? She saw the pained expression on his face and believed that he really hated himself. She almost felt sorry for him.

"She uh..." he shook his head, struggling to say the words. "She was...she was pregnant," he whispered, tears threatening to fall at any moment.

Kathy's heart stopped. She looked up at him. It was like a bad dream - a dream she couldn't wake up from. Olivia Benson was carrying her husband's baby? Her heart threatened to break there and then. She couldn't even begin to comprehend this latest bombshell. She began to cry as she listened to him.

"And...and she told me and I was...I was so scared that I would lose you and I said things that I shouldn't have said." His hand wiped away the stray tears. "I told her I didn't want to have anything to do with it, and I was...God I was so angry at her."

Kathy struggled not to sob as she listened as her husband struggled to finish his sentences.

"I walked out on her..."

"Elliot?" she walked forwards slowly. She couldn't help but want to comfort him. She was devastated, but she could almost understand it. Almost. Her husband got another woman pregnant and walked out on her. That wasn't the man she knew. The man she loved would never walk away – he'd never sleep with anyone else in the first place, but she'd heard him scream in his sleep every night as he dreamt of the horrors he had been through in the basement. She knew whatever they had been through was horrific, and the tiniest part of her understood how and why it had happened. It wasn't like it was a straight up affair. The circumstances were very, very different. This was what made it so hard to stay angry at him as he cried in front of her - something she'd only seen a few times in her 20 years of marriage. She loved him so much, and was failing miserably at staying angry with him. Maybe she could get over the fact that he had slept with Olivia, but she would never be able to get over the fact that she was going to have his baby. Her marriage was over. She gently placed her hand on his arm, still struggling to comprehend the fact that another woman was carrying her husband's child.

"I didn't give her any choice..." he whispered.

The realisation suddenly hit her, hard. She now understood her husband's guilt and tears. She had no idea how she was supposed to react. How could she comfort him after what he had done to her?

"She...she had a termination?" she asked.

He nodded his head as the dam broke and he openly sobbed in front of her. "I'm so sorry."

"Oh my God..." She couldn't do anything but pull him close and hold him as he cried. She'd never felt so confused. She was comforting her husband for the loss of his child with another woman. She didn't know what else she could do; he was suffering too much already for her to leave, for her to shout and scream. She couldn't hate him no matter how hard she tried. She actually felt sorry for him. She silently held her husband as he wept, praying that they would be able to survive this. She prayed that she could forgive him.

**Thank you again for all the wonderful reviews, I look forward to reading the next few. I hope you are enjoying this as much as it may not be what you want it to be at the moment xx Happy 2009 everyone xx**


	8. Chapter 8

**So here we go! The chapter that will answer all of your questions, *drum roll***

**Again I struggled with this chapter a little but which is why it took so long, sorry about that. I hope you enjoy this, as always thank you for the reviwes, keep them coming! he he!**

**Thank you yet again to the fabulous Jessica and please check out her story "Breaking point" It's really really good!!**

She slowly put the key in the door and walked into what was to be her new apartment, not that she particularly cared. Shejust needed somewhere she could lie in bed all day and cry without interruptions. It had been 14 hours since Elliot left her in her apartment. She'd immediately called a friend in real estate who had told her of an apartment in Indiana. Without hearing another word Olivia told her she would take it. She'd packed a few things and driven all night through tears and at times immense pain. She knew she was supposed to be resting, but she had to get away. The look...the look on his face would haunt her until the day she died. She was shaken from her thoughts as her friend Holly followed her inside.

"It's nice huh?" she asked with a smile. She was shorter than Olivia with straight long brown hair and warm brown eyes. She had met Olivia through a friend and they'd become close. They had kept in contact with emails and texts when Holly moved to Indiana 5 months ago. Holly was worried about her friend, but knew better than to ask before she was ready. "Liv?" she gave her a soft smile. "Do you want me to stay with you?" she asked gently placing her hand on her friends shoulder.

Olivia shook her head. "No, no...thank you," she managed.

"Don't mention it. I'm uh, I'm gonna come by tomorrow-"

"Holly-"

"I know you don't want to talk yet, but I'm worried about you. I just...I know you and you'll shut yourself away, pretend everything's okay when I can see it's not. I'm not going to ask you what's wrong. I know you'll tell me if you're ready. But I'm gonna be here tomorrow at 11:00am okay?" She felt her heart sink as she saw the tears filling Olivia's already swollen eyes.

Olivia nodded softly. "Okay."

Holly walked out, slowly closing the door behind her.

Holly was right. To an extent Olivia was intending on locking herself away, but she had no idea how she could ever pretend to be okay after what she had done. She put her bag on the sofa and slowly walked into the bedroom; it was painted white and was very bright. She could change that. The early morning sun shone through making her wince, her eyes were so sore. She pulled the curtains until no light was left in the room and lay on the bed, tears falling without warning. She would never forgive herself. The guilt swept through her in constant waves every few moments. What had she done? She knew she would doubt herself, hate herself even, but this was unbearable. She would never be able to look at him again as much from the hurt he'd caused her as the guilt that she felt. He'd openly cried in front of her and she couldn't do it. She couldn't do what she always did - she couldn't fix him. She had let him touch her for a few moments but she pulled away as nausea shot through her. How could she let him hold her after what he'd done to her? How could he want to hold her after what she'd done to him? His reaction shocked her into submission. She thought that he would walk away again, relieved, but he didn't. He cried, immediately making her regret her decision. But it was already too late, and for that she hated him more than she could ever express. She did it for him and he had no right to make it so hard. Why had he cried? He couldn't have been clearer when he spoke to her: he did not want the baby. He had left her with no other choice. How could he stand there in front of her crying? She shuddered as her physical pain intensified. How was she ever going to be okay?

****

It annoyed her that she still thought of him, still missed him. Up until she left him, she'd never mourned for someone who was still alive before, but she couldn't help it. Her heart ached, longing to see him again. She hated to admit that she still had feelings for him after the way he had treated her. She tried so hard to hate him but it only made her miss him even more. She knew, however, that she would never be able to truly forgive him, and it was this fact that saddened her the most. It had been 3 weeks since she'd left him. She'd barely left her new apartment, instead choosing to stay in and cry. At times she felt stupid, then angry at herself. She and Elliot were never together, so how could she lie there feeling as if she'd been dumped? Other times she would allow herself to be broken-hearted, no they weren't together – but he had been the biggest part of her life for so long, her best friend and so much more. Today was the first day that she had woken up without feeling sick to her stomach. The first day that she didn't have that the overwhelming sadness was just a little twinge whenever something reminded her of what she had done. Watching TV, an advertisement for diapers showing a father and his new born baby made her sob. The guilt would never go away, she knew that much after hours of thought, millions of tears and weeks of thinking of the life she would never have. She was never supposed to have touched Elliot. There was no way she would have been able to play the 'happy family' with him and his baby...her baby.

It had taken a while for her to start thinking of it as her baby rather than his, and for what she'd done to her child she would never forgive herself. Her one chance to be happy, to have what her subconscious had always told her she wanted, and she'd given it up so quickly. She had tried to convince herself that what she had done was for the best, but that didn't ease her heavy heart when she lay alone thinking of what could have been. Never in her life did she think she would be living her life this way. The first few nights after she left, she dreamt of her, her baby and Elliot. She could barely breathe when she woke up and realised that it was just that - a dream. She never thought she would be "that" woman. She imagined getting pregnant would be a joyous occasion with tears of happiness instead of fear and desperation. After she heard Elliot leave her apartment on the last day she saw him, the reality of what she had done hit her and she was inconsolable. Never had she felt such guilt, such self loathing. Now...now it was easing. She had no other choice but to do what she did and she knew it.

She looked up as she heard a knock on the door. She knew it was Holly. Her friend had been to see her as often as she could, and eventually, when Olivia couldn't hold it in anymore, she broke and told Holly everything. Holly listened and comforted her the way she wished Elliot had been able to do, which made her cry even more. As she pulled open the door she gave a soft smile as Holly held up two bags, one in each hand.

"I come bearing gifts!" she smiled. "How you doing?" she asked.

"Good...better," she nodded. "What did you bring?" she asked looking at the bags.

"Food, before you say anything, I'm sure you're not hungry but it doesn't matter, you need to eat-"

"I eat-"

"What have you eaten today?" she asked, cocking an eyebrow.

Olivia bit her lip knowing she couldn't admit to having eaten nothing.

"I uh, I know how you feel okay, you don't want to eat, you wanna stay in bed all day? I've been there, but you need to look after yourself, please - for me? I brought your favourite..." she smiled.

Olivia returned the smile.

"You brought Chinese?" she raised her eyebrows.

Holly's smile faded.

"Oh, okay...uh...I brought someone else's favourite- Mexican?"

As she spoke Olivia's smile faded.

"What?" Holly asked.

"Nothing," she shook her head. "Get a hold of yourself!" she told herself. She'd never felt more pathetic in her life. "It's nothing-"

"Elliot?" she asked.

Even hearing his name her heart sink, she nodded. "This is pathetic, this is not me- I don't get upset because I'm eating someone's favourite food."

"You love him," Holly said softly.

Olivia looked up. She began shaking her head. She didn't love him. She cared for him. She missed him and he was a big part of her life, but she didn't love him. "I don't...I don't love him," she told her friend.

Holly gave her a sympathetic smile. "I know it's hard for you Liv," she put her hand over her friend's as they stood at the kitchen counter. "I'm not going to push you, but it's not going to get better until you admit exactly what it is you're trying to get over."

"I don't..." she looked at her friend. She couldn't do it. After years of pushing any feelings she had for him as far away as humanly possible, she couldn't ruin it now. "I can't love him," she told her friend, and she truly believed that was the answer. She couldn't, therefore she didn't. She'd been lying in bed for hours on end crying for him, missing him, her heart aching for him. It couldn't all come back to the baby, as much as that hurt, nearly killed her in fact. She knew at times when she was crying for her child that she was crying for him too. She'd locked herself away for 3 weeks because she lost the man she loved...it hit her, hard. She looked up at her friend, eyes wide. "I...I love him," tears filled her eyes.

Holly reached out and gently pulled her into a hug. Olivia clung to her as she cried. As sadness enveloped her Holly gently told her that she would be okay, that she'd taken the first step and it was going to take time, but that she was on the road to recovery.

****

Holly was right. Three weeks later and after yet more crying and admissions of feelings she'd never been allowed to express, Olivia was almost back to her old self. She looked at her reflection in the mirror. The bags under her eyes were gone, the gentle flush in her cheeks had returned, and she was starting to venture outside again. She'd met a few nice people and Indiana really didn't seem that bad anymore. The curtains were open. Sunshine was allowed back into her room.

She looked up as she heard a gentle rap on the door. She smiled as she pulled it open. She saw a tall man with sandy blonde hair, he was well built without being stocky and his chiseled jaw would make any woman swoon. She smiled as Tom Chapman reached out and hugged her.

"It's been way too long," he told her as she allowed him to hold her. "You look beautiful!" he smiled as he pulled away.

She smiled as a blush crept across her cheeks. "You uh, you don't look so bad yourself, I'm sorry to just call out of the blue-"

"Hey, come on. I told you if you're ever in the neighbourhood right? When did you move?" he asked as she welcomed him into the apartment.

She smiled looking back at him. She'd dated him for a few months a couple of years ago. She became attached pretty quickly but they ended it when he moved away, and now here they were, both in the same city. She rang him on a whim after Holly convinced her she needed to get out. She was always incredibly attracted to him, and as soon as he stepped in she started thinking it wasn't such a good idea. She was in no position to start dating, but, after spending so many years in the NYPD, she craved male company, and as long as she kept her head she would be okay.

"Uh, a few weeks ago now," she told him. She gave him a quick smile. She saw as he changed his stance slightly. "Can I get you something to drink?"

"You got beer?"

"Uh...no, sorry, I have...apple juice?" she smiled.

He laughed. "Great, I love apple juice," he smiled.

Hours later they were still sitting on the sofa talking. It felt so natural to be with him again, and her craving for male company was satisfied. She remembered Tom taking her to an expensive restaurant. It was packed and their table had been given to someone else so, instead, they sat in his apartment both dressed beautifully. She'd never laughed so much. They'd slept together for the first time that night on the blanket he'd put down while they ate. The food was cleared and she had told him about her father. She didn't know why and she'd never told another man, except her partner. He sat and listened and didn't freak out. After she finished she was sure he would make his excuses and she'd have to leave, but he hadn't. He'd gently put his hand on her face and kissed her softly. When he pulled away, she grabbed his hand and kept it on her neck. She'd kissed him again, this time with more force.

"You don't have to do this," he told her softly. Her heart immediately warmed. She could feel that he wanted her, yet he was letting her know that it was up to her. She kissed him again.

"I want to," she told him.

He pulled away. He looked her up and down, shaking his head. "How the hell did I get you?" he asked.

She captured his lips again and pulled him on top of her as she lay backwards.

She was shaken from her daydream by his voice. After talking about everything they had both been doing -minus the past 4 months for Olivia, he told her that he had been engaged to be married, but she had cheated on him. Olivia felt such anger towards the woman who had hurt her friend. Her anger turned to embarrassment when she realised that she was no better than her. She shook her head. She wouldn't think of him, not now.

"You okay?" Tom asked softly.

She nodded. "Sorry, in my own world," she admitted. She froze as he raised his hand to her face.

"I've missed you," he whispered.

"Uh..." she pulled away. "Sorry," she backed away from him slightly. "This uh, this may not be a good idea," she raised her hand to her forehead. She didn't want to hurt him. She felt so stupid. What else would he expect? An ex girlfriend inviting him over... Damn it.

"No, I'm sorry, I thought...I thought when you called you wanted to...wow, sorry, I'm an idiot," he looked up and gave her an apologetic smile.

"No you're not, I just, I just wanted to see you-" she put her hand over his.

"And I come in and try it on straight away. Sorry I just...you're so beautiful," he told her. "And I never should have given you up - given up on us... You're...you're the most beautiful, kind, honest-"

"Stop," she shook her head.

He wouldn't say that if he knew what she had done. She'd slept with a married man; yes, she'd more than suffered for it, but she wasn't good and she was certainly not honest.

"Are you uh, are you seeing anyone? I know that I'm moving quickly here, but I want to be with you again, Olivia, and I don't mean sex..." He gave her a cheeky smile, "I mean, obviously that would be nice-"

"I'm not seeing anyone but it's...complicated," she bit her lip. She couldn't tell him. Yes he'd been understanding about her father, but this? Would he understand? She genuinely liked him. She could talk to him for hours, and she would tell him eventually. She couldn't lie to him. She knew telling him would end any romantic relationship that she thought may have developed again. She thought she'd never want to be touched by another man, yet here she was wishing he would reach for her one more time. It would never work. He hated cheaters, not to mention the extra baggage.

"I can deal with complicated. I know...I know I'm pushing you, but Liv, I should never have let you go before-"

"You wouldn't say that if you knew..." she stopped herself before she could finish.

"It can't be that bad – this is you." He smiled, putting his hand over hers.

"We can't be together," she told him, she saw the hurt in his face, "It's not that I don't want to, please don't think that," she told him.

"I don't know what I'm supposed to think. You want to be with me but you can't?" he asked.

"You uh, you won't want to."

"There is nothing you could tell me right now that would make me not want to be with you- what is it? You kill someone? Even that I can live with," he laughed nervously.

She looked at him. Her heart ached knowing he would run miles away as soon as she told him, and she felt guilty for wanting him to stay. She took a deep breath. He was still staring at her waiting to hear what was so bad that could possibly make him not want to be with her.

She spoke slowly, waiting for him to pull away from her.

"I'm pregnant."

**Ooooooooooooh!! See I couldn't do it to her, I love her too much! Hope you enjoyed this, more is on the way and thank you inadvanced for the reviews! YOu guys are amazing, I'm so proud of this story!!X**


	9. Chapter 9

**Sorry it's taken me so long, have had a lot of work from uni which sucks!! I find myself sitting down trying to write 1,000 words for an essay for uni and it takes me about 3 years!?! Writing 1,000 words on this fic takes me about half an hour lol!!**

**Thank you to everyone who's following this, you guys have been amazing!! A-MA-ZING!! And every comment makes it easier and easier to wite the next part!X**

**Thank you to JessicaR, you're so wonderful!X**

He was lucky. He was a lucky man. He was lying in the arms of his wife, just weeks after he had told her that he had slept with someone else. She had forgiven him. He didn't know why but he was thankful. She'd cried a lot, but never really seemed that angry, something he couldn't quite figure out but he didn't ever question her on it. Perhaps it was just her way of dealing with it. She hadn't said Olivia's name since he'd told her. It was always "she" or "her", something Elliot struggled not to react to every time. Tonight had been the first night she had allowed him to touch her again, to be with her intimately again. The kids were all out, Eli was with Kathy's mother. When he'd come home, Kathy had already made dinner. She sat him down and told him that this was the beginning of a fresh start for them. He listened attentively and kissed her. When she kissed him back, she gently pulled him towards the bedroom and he followed.

Now as he lay in his bed, he'd never felt more torn. He didn't understand it, and he knew it wasn't right, but he was thinking about Olivia. It had taken a long time for him to get over the sickening guilt, and he would never forgive himself ever because she was gone; because she was gone and he missed her more than he could ever really explain; because she was gone and while he was lying in bed with his wife he was thinking about her and what she was doing.

Was she okay?

Would she ever be able to be okay after the way he had treated her?

His wife shifted in the bed next to him and he sighed. This was his life now and Olivia Benson wasn't in it.

***

Olivia lay awake in bed, her hand gently resting on her swelling stomach. In the last few weeks as she was approaching 5 months her bump had gone from barely visible with the right clothes to no way to hide it, even whilst wearing a tent. She had finally started accepting the baby and the massive change that was about to take place, and for the most part she was happy. She felt Tom shift as he wrapped his arm around her and pulled her closer. He hadn't run a mile when she had told him, and this surprised her to no end. She told him everything - about Vickers, about Elliot. She explained that she had intended not to have the baby, bracing herself as she sat in the waiting room of the clinic, but when her name was called she couldn't move. She couldn't go through with it.

She'd even cried in front of Tom as she explained that she hadn't meant to lie to Elliot when she told him it was too late. She had meant for them - for her and him, that they would never be the same again - but as soon as she saw his face drop she knew he thought that the baby was gone. She didn't correct him. She didn't have the energy, so she walked away. While she was lying in bed that night she decided that maybe it was for the best if Elliot thought there was no baby. He could carry on being the perfect father and husband and he wouldn't have to hate her anymore.

"What are you thinking about?" Tom asked, still half asleep, gently pressing a kiss onto her forehead. He moved his hand down to her stomach and gently rubbed it. They hadn't made love yet. It was something she had felt very uneasy about - pregnant, sleeping with a man who wasn't the father of the baby? He'd been more than patient with her. She needed to be sure it was right before she took that step, as much as her body wanted her to throw caution to the wind and jump on him. Tom had told her weeks ago that he wanted to be with her, and that he wanted to be a part of her life - all of it.

"_You don't have to do this," she told him, "I'm giving you a get out of jail card-"_

_"I don't want it. I want you. Baby or no baby, I want you." He kissed her softly._

Since those weeks he had been perfect, coming to doctors' appointments, coming home with ideas for the nursery. Olivia thought he was just trying to prove that he was okay with the idea. Then she'd fallen asleep on the sofa and woken up to hear:

"_So kid, it's uh, it's Tom...I just want you to know I'm going to love you and your mom so much," he spoke into her belly. She smiled and shifted to let him know she was awake. "Hey, hi, I __uh..." he was flustered, "Sorry."_

"_You're perfect. You're so perfect." She pulled him towards her and kissed him._

They had agreed that they would raise the baby together. Olivia had never broached the subject because she didn't want to make Tom feel like he was tied in, but he had asked her if there was any chance Elliot would play a part in the baby's life. She shook her head, unable to say the words.

"_This baby needs a father, I want to be it." _

She nodded. He pulled her close. He was so happy. Even though the baby wasn't his, he was going to accept her child as his own.

As happy as that made her, the little twinge of pain attacked again as she thought about Elliot. She pushed those thoughts aside. There was no way. Even if he were here, or she were there it wouldn't be this perfect. Tom was a good man. She was attracted to him and she could imagine loving him. This was her chance for happiness and she wasn't going to mess it up.

"Hey, you okay?" Tom's voice again pulled her from her thoughts. "Do you need anything?"

"No, no sorry." She turned to him and sighed softly, "I just want...I want you to be sure-"

"Liv, I'm sure. I'm more than sure. We're going to be a family. You and the baby are the most important things in my life. I...I know I'm not...but I already love this kid," he told her.

She smiled and gently rubbed the palm of her hand across his cheek. She pulled him closer as she pressed her lips against his."You're going to be a great father" she kissed him "You're perfect," she whispered as she kissed him again, her tongue slipping slowly into his mouth.

"Liv..." he took a deep breath after what seemed like hours of kissing her, "I...we have to stop now or I won't be able to..." He stopped as she tightened her grip and began to move her hand.

"Then don't stop," she whispered.

His lips crashed back down on hers as she finally accepted that this could work - would work.

**

She hadn't slept so well in months. Tom had made love to her gently, and had held her all night. She smiled as he walked out of the bedroom. The man was beautiful.

He came up behind her as she stood at the kitchen counter and wrapped his arms around her, cradling her belly.

"Morning," he kissed her neck.

She turned to him kissing him softly.

"You're beautiful," he smiled as he gazed at her. "So beautiful..." he kissed her again, with more hunger.

She placed her hands on his shoulders to steady herself, as he slowly ran his hand along her stomach to the bottom of her top, slipping his hand underneath it. She pressed her lips against him again, wanting him all over again, sighing as her phone rang.

"Leave it," he mumbled against her lips.

She pulled away slowly. "I'm sorry. I can't. Hold on-" She froze as she saw the caller I.D: "S.V.U" She'd saved it after she'd left, giving her number to Cragen only, begging him not to give it to anyone else. Maybe Elliot had beaten it out of him? Wishful thinking? Not that her Captain would be harmed, but that Elliot would be bothered about finding her. Yet she knew that she was nothing but a problem to him, and as far as she knew he hadn't even attempted to find her.

"Benson?" she answered quietly, afraid of who was on the other end.

"Liv, it's Don," she heard, her heart began beating again. "How are you?" he asked.

She struggled to answer as she remembered exactly how much she missed the older man.

"Liv? You there?"

"Uh, sorry, I'm good, I'm good. How are you? All of you?"

Tom walked into the bathroom allowing her to continue her conversation in private.

"We miss you," he said softly.

Her heart jumped. She missed him too. She missed all of them.

"I was hoping you'd be back by now," he told her. "Took a few weeks to realise you wouldn't be coming back at all."

"I'm..." she wanted to say sorry, but her breath caught in her throat. She placed her hand on her stomach as the baby kicked. "Is uh, is everyone okay?" she asked.

"Everyone's okay, just about," she knew he was smiling. "I uh, I was actually calling you to tell you we need you back in New York," her heart stopped. "It's Michael Vickers' trial, and I thought you'd need to come back for a week or so before - prepare and look over your notes, but it took me so long to find your number again."

"I can't-" she was trying to find the words.

"I know it's going to be hard, but you and Elliot are key in this - to getting him put away for life."

She knew he was right, but she didn't think the trial would be so soon. She had thought that she would have had the baby and that she could have gone back and no one would have ever known. There was no way that she was going to be able to hide the fact that she was five and a half months pregnant.

"When does it start?" she asked, rubbing her stomach. She needed time to wrap her head around this - figure out what she was going to do.

"2 weeks from Monday," he told her.

She nodded. She knew she'd have to go down at least a week before to prepare. That gave her 8 days to prepare herself. The baby kicked again as she sat down.

"Olivia?" she heard Cragen's worried voice, "You can stay with me if you need to-"

"No, uh, no it's okay thank you. I'll uh, I'll be there Don."

Detective Olivia Benson wouldn't allow a monster to get any less than he deserved, for her sake and his victims', but Olivia Benson the mother-to-be wanted nothing more than to stay with Tom, to protect her child from the evil she would have to recall; from the heartache she would feel at having to see Elliot again.

She wasn't ready.

She heard Cragen mumble something about looking forward to seeing her, before she hung up.

Her months of lies were about to catch up with her.

She'd done it to protect everyone she cared about - everyone Elliot cared about. Elliot didn't want this baby. It would ruin everything for him, he'd said it himself. She'd done it to protect him and her child. Her future came crashing down around her as Tom exited the bathroom.

"Hey, you okay?" he asked seeing the devastated look plastered across her face.

"I uh, I have to go back to Manhattan," she told him softly, trying not to panic. "Oh God," she looked up at him, "I can't do this- I can't go back there. He'll know- everyone will know-"

"Liv," he pulled her into a hug. "It's okay. I'm here. We're gonna face this together."

As he tried to soothe her, images of Elliot shot through her mind. She'd only just managed to stop crying over him, and now he was back in her life again. She couldn't do it again. She wouldn't do it again. Unconvinced that her heart was strong enough to deal with the look on his face when he found out she was still pregnant, she clung to Tom, sadness enveloping her when she realised exactly how many people would hate her when they found out she was pregnant with Elliot Stabler's baby.

Elliot included.

**Soooo what do you think? Do you like Tom? Worth the wait? The next chapter is going to be Looooooong! Thank you again for the comments, you guys are brilliant!X The more reviews I get the keener I am to update quickly!! lol! X**


	10. Chapter 10

**Thank you to everyone who's following and reviewing, I already have the next chapter written and ready to go so just want some feedback from this and it'll be all yours! X**

******

Elliot smiled as he watched his son sleeping. Eli had gotten so big. His little boy was growing up and in the past few weeks he'd found himself wanting to spend more and more time with the little guy. He knew the loss of his child with Olivia made him more grateful for the kids he had. While holding Eli a couple of weeks ago he found himself thinking about the baby he could have had with Olivia. He knew what happened was his fault and tried to convince himself that he had no right to mourn. Everything had worked out for him, his wife forgave him, but...he couldn't help but feel a tinge of sadness whenever he thought of Olivia and his...the baby.

After weeks of telling himself that it was for the best and that you can't miss something you've never had, he sat alone in church late at night and finally accepted that he was devastated by the loss of his child. He finally stopped berating himself and allowed himself to mourn for the baby he would never know. He allowed himself those brief hours of thinking about his child before picking himself up and putting the barriers up all over again. He promised himself that he would cherish his children more than he ever had now that he knew what it was to lose one. He was shaken from his thoughts as Lizzie walked into the bedroom.

"Hey, honey." Elliot smiled. She gave him a faint smile. She'd been different with him for weeks. He figured she was going through teenage issues and he was the unlucky target. "How's the studying going?"

"It's fine." She looked at her little brother.

"Mom won't be back for a few hours, your sister and brother are out – wanna put on a film and chill out on the sofa?" he asked with a smile. She looked at him and he'd never seen such a look in her eyes. "What uh, what's the matter?" he asked.

"I know what you did," she told him.

He frowned slightly. "What do you mean?" he asked.

"I heard you and mom, I know you...I know what you did with Olivia," she said coldly.

His heart stopped.

"Mom may have forgiven you but I can't."

"Lizzie..." He didn't know what to say. His little girl was looking at him the way he would look at a perp: with such hatred.

"How could you do that to us?" she asked, struggling not to cry. "With her?" she looked him dead in the eye. "I always stood up for you, always. I always told Kathleen to shut up when she said anything about Olivia because I liked her and you...you slept with her. You cheated on Mom." She shook her head, "I thought you were better than this, I was so proud of you Daddy." A tear slipped down her cheek.

"Baby..." he barely whispered. "I'm sorry-" he said, his heart breaking.

"No!" she shouted. "No! You don't tell me you're sorry, you don't sleep with her and tell us you're sorry! Mom should never have forgiven you."

"I know," he sighed, looking at his distraught daughter. "I messed up, and I'll never forgive myself."

"I just – I don't understand it, if you wanted to be with her why aren't you?" she asked.

He looked up, confused.

"What-"

"When you and Mom split up, why didn't you get with her then?" she sobbed. "Why wait until you and Mom are together? We were happy. How can we ever be happy now?" she asked.

"I...I need you to try and forgive me baby...I promise that I will never-"

"Did you want her baby?" she asked.

He recoiled. He'd hoped she hadn't heard that part.

"Did you want to be with her?"

"I love your mom. I love you all so much, and I'm so sorry." He'd never felt lower. He thought he'd reached his lowest many times in the last few months, but watching his beautiful daughter crying before him nearly killed him.

"I want to hate you," she wiped her eyes. "I want to hate you so much but I can't."

"Baby please..."

"You have to promise me Daddy. Promise me you don't want her," she begged. "That if she came back tomorrow you wouldn't' leave us-"

"I'm never leaving you again, I promise." He reached out for her, afraid she would recoil.

She walked into his arms and clung to him as she cried.

"I'm so sorry," he told her. "I'm sorry."

His daughter breaking down in his arms provided him with the kick he needed to stop thinking of Olivia late at night. He couldn't do it anymore. His family deserved better. He wouldn't hurt them again. As much as he missed Olivia and desperately needed to know she was okay, he had to put his children first.

***

Olivia placed her hand over her stomach as the car pulled up outside of the apartment that Tom had rented for them.

"It's going to be okay," Tom placed his hand over hers. "I'm here, okay?"

She nodded. "Okay, it's uh, it's fine," she smiled.

As much as she liked Tom, she wasn't quite ready to tell him her every thought. She was terrified. She didn't know if she could face Elliot again. The fact that she was still carrying his baby was only part of it. She'd only recently admitted that she loved him, only recently accepted that whether he'd meant to or not, he broke her heart. She didn't know if she was ready to face him again - no, she knew she wasn't ready to face him. She'd only just stopped crying for him. Being away from him helped her. She missed him, yes, but she didn't have to face him knowing how cruel he had been to her, knowing how much he resented her, knowing that she had been kidding herself for years about how he felt for her. She'd wasted so many years on him and she needed to be free of him. She had promised herself that she would keep her composure when she saw him, but here and now - not even with him, just in the same city - she doubted that she would be able to see him without falling apart all over again. She knew that she couldn't take it again. She had to do something.

**

Donald Cragen sat in his office, sighing as he prepared to leave after another long day. He looked up as there was a gentle knock on the door.

"Come in!" he called, not bothering to look up. He figured it would be Fin coming in to hand him his final case file.

"Uh...Captain."

He looked up as he heard the familiar voice of Olivia Benson. His eyes widened as he saw her swelling stomach.

"Olivia?!" he exclaimed standing up and wrapping his arms around her. "When uh, when did this happen?" he asked.

She smiled as he struggled to get his head around the fact that she was pregnant.

"You look wonderful," he smiled.

"Thank you. I uh, I wanted to come and talk to you-"

"Why didn't you tell anyone you were pregnant Olivia?" he asked softly.

She looked up at him. "Uh, I didn't know until I left," she lied, placing a protective hand around her stomach. She felt so vulnerable standing in front of him, lying to him.

"And the uh...the father?" he asked, not knowing if he wanted to hear the answer.

"He's a good man Sir."

"I don't see a ring on that finger," he stated, prying more into the man who had impregnated the younger woman.

"He's a good man. This uh, this wasn't expected, but we're taking it day by day."

"When do I get to meet him?" he asked, still in shock. He'd never pictured Olivia Benson settling down having babies, and here she was in front of him at least 5 months pregnant. Of course it was what he wanted for her, but he didn't even know she had been seeing anyone.

"Uh, I don't know," she answered honestly. "I uh, I wanted to talk to you about the trial – I think Elliot's testimony will be enough. I...I don't think I can do it," she told him.

He looked at her and gently put his hand over hers. "I know what he put you and Elliot through was horrific, but you were alone with him when he confessed to two murders."

"I know, I know but I...I don't want to risk getting stressed-"

"Have you had complications?" he asked, gesturing to her stomach.

She shook her head.

"Olivia you can tell me," he spoke so softly.

"I've uh, I've been going through a lot – it's only been the past few weeks that I've gotten back on track and I'm scared this will put me back to that place," she told him. "I just...I can't do it again."

"Olivia, I'll never understand exactly what happened, but this is a way of putting the memories and the...the pain to rest."

"What if it just creates more?" she placed her hand over her stomach. She knew he was talking about Vickers. Seeing him again did frighten her, having to say the horrific things he had done. She wished she hadn't given Cragen her phone number - that she hadn't agreed to come back. The only reason she was there was to put Michael Vickers where he belonged, and now she was losing her nerve to even do that. "Don, I just – I don't think I can do this," she admitted, "I thought I could, but I can't."

"Captain I-" Liv froze as the door swung open, Fin stopped in his tracks. "Olivia?" he stared at her.

She didn't know what to say.

"Woah!" he stepped back as he saw her pregnant belly. He reached forward and grabbed her, pulling her into a hug. "We've missed you so much," he told her.

She sighed with relief, glad he hadn't asked about the baby. She knew he would, eventually.

**

Liv had spoken briefly with Fin, asking him not to mention seeing her to anyone else. Then she left making her excuses. Fin hadn't asked about the baby something that she was happy for. She couldn't lie to him as well as Cragen. Not now. Not yet. Fin had been a good friend to her, especially since Sealview - something she wouldn't allow herself to think of, afraid that the baby would hear her thoughts. She didn't want to lie to him after everything he had done for her, but she knew she had to. She promised Cragen she would be back to speak to him properly, something she didn't really intend on doing. She was seriously considering changing her number and going back home. Every time she thought about seeing Elliot her heart jumped into her throat. She couldn't face him. She couldn't fall apart again. She barely survived the heartache of losing him the last time. She couldn't see him and then lose him again. He was going to hate her. She was going to cry, and he was going to hate her. Olivia Benson wasn't the sort of woman to run away. She had more nerve than this, but he'd broken her. So many things had happened that pushed her toward the edge - she never thought it would be him that pushed her over it. She couldn't face him, she just couldn't .

**

Elliot sat at his desk. He was looking over his notes for the up and coming trial. He didn't care what he had to do. Michael Vickers was never going to get out of jail - not after what he did to those women, to him and Olivia. If it wasn't for Vickers, Olivia would still be with him and his family wouldn't be falling apart. He shuddered as he remembered finding Olivia after she'd been missing for hours after being grabbed by Vickers.

_He walked toward the end of the corridor. He knew he should have waited for backup but he couldn't risk Olivia being alone with Vickers any longer for fear of what he would do to her. He saw a closed door and tried to pull it open. It was locked. He walked into a small room at the side. There was a large window in front of him and he saw her straight away. She was lying on the ground._

"_Liv," he mumbled. He was about to move when he heard a voice._

"_Hello Elliot."_

_He looked up as Vickers came into view, grabbing Olivia and pulling her up._

"_Get out of here Elliot!" Olivia yelled, unable to see him. _

_"Shut up." Vickers wrapped his hand around her throat. "So nice of you to join us Elliot."_

"_If you've hurt her I swear-" he clenched his fist tightly, as he grasped his gun in the other hand._

"_Come on Elliot, you don't think I'm going to listen to idle threats do you?" he smiled. "She's pretty. Isn't she pretty Elliot?" He ran his finger along her cheekbone._

_She flinched. She'd been alone with him for hours while he went into great detail about what he had done to the young girls he had killed. She'd been scared of perps before, but never like this. __Her stomach sank whenever he came into the room. She'd tried to pretend that she wasn't afraid of him, even after he'd hit her numerous times. She was terrified that he would attempt to assault her. As much as she was telling Elliot to leave she was terrified of being left alone with him again._

"_Has he hurt you Liv?" Elliot asked, anger threatening to overwhelm him. _

"_I'm fine," she told him, her voice shaking slightly._

_He could see the beginning of a bruise forming on her cheek. He looked towards the locked door._

"_Elliot, get out of here, get out of here now," she told him. _

_Vickers angrily threw her to the floor. "He's not going to leave you here with me Olivia, come on." He smiled and reached for his belt._

_Her eyes widened._

"_I've just slapped her around a bit - thought I'd save the real show for you Elliot," he smiled._

"_You son of a bitch. You don't touch her!" he shouted angrily, running towards the locked door pulling at it. He wouldn't let him hurt her, not like that. He pulled at the door to no avail. He ran back into the side room. Olivia had backed herself against the wall. "What do you want? What do you want!" he yelled desperately._

_Vickers turned and looked directly at him, sending a chill down Elliot's spine. How could he see him through the mirrored glass?_

"_You don't want me to touch her Elliot? You don't want me to do this?" he grabbed her by the throat and forced his lips against hers. _

_She swung out at him, struggling to pull away._

_He pulled away laughing, hearing Elliot banging on the locked door. He pulled out a knife from his pocket pulling Olivia with him to unlock the door. As Elliot burst in, Vickers put the knife up to __Olivia's throat. Elliot trained his gun on Vickers. _

"_Put the gun down Elliot. Put the gun down or I'll slit her throat." He laughed._

_Memories of Gitano shot through both Olivia and Elliot's minds as they both struggled to compose themselves. Olivia looked straight into her partner's eyes and he knew what she was telling him. She was telling him not to do it. Not to put down his gun. _

_He sighed as he slowly crouched down and put his gun on the floor._

Elliot was shaken from his memory by Cragen_._

"Elliot, how are you getting on?" he asked.

Elliot nodded struggling to get rid of the lump in his throat, unsure if it was the memory of what happened or the memory of Olivia causing it.

"Great, they still haven't told us when they want you to take the stand, but I'll keep working on it."

"Captain, uh, did you get a hold of Olivia?" He'd been wanting to ask for months, but he wouldn't allow himself. He'd hoped someone would mention it and he wouldn't have to ask.

"Uh, we still don't know." Cragen sighed. He wasn't exactly lying. He'd been trying for days to get hold of Olivia after he'd seen her in his office. He'd been trying to call her but she had not answered.

He walked away leaving Elliot alone.

Maybe it was for the best. Elliot didn't think he could stand to see the look of hatred or disappointment on her face, but no matter how much he denied it he longed to be near her again.

**

Olivia pulled open the door, shocked to see Cragen.

"Sir, how did you find out where I was staying?" she asked, opening the door slightly to let him in.

"I'm a police officer Olivia. You haven't been answering your phone," he told her.

She bit her lip and nodded.

"I'm sorry, I just needed some time."

"Hey Liv, come to bed, you promised me a night of-" Tom stopped as he stepped out of the room and saw Cragen.

Olivia was bright red. She'd never been more embarrassed in her life.

"Hi, sorry – who..." he looked from Cragen to Olivia and back again.

"This is my Captain, my old..." she trailed off still unbelievably embarrassed.

"Watch it," Cragen smiled.

"Uh, Tom this is Don Cragen." Olivia told him.

Tom walked forward and shook the older man's hand.

"Good to finally meet you. I heard a lot about you," Tom smiled.

Cragen smiled.

"I uh, I'll leave you to it." He walked back into the bedroom, mortified that this would be his first meeting with one of the men who meant so much to the woman he loved.

"What have you decided?" he asked, sitting down with her on the sofa.

"I'll do it," she told him, knowing she'd never forgive herself if she didn't. She had thought about it. She could avoid Elliot. It would involve a lot of ducking and diving but she could do it. She had to.

Cragen sat with Olivia for the next half an hour and watched as she tried to convince him that she was happy. He watched as she stroked her stomach. Tom seemed like a nice man, and with a little more research he would feel more at ease. He forgot how comforting it was to have Olivia around. He had missed her greatly, something he didn't realise until she had returned. He didn't want her to go back.

"When are you due?" he asked.

She looked up at him.

"I'm 22 weeks, so May."

"Do you know what it is?"

"No, I don't know if I want to or not..." she smiled, looking up at him. It felt so right to be speaking to him like this. "I don't want to know," she told him. She took a deep breath.

"It's scary huh?" he asked.

She nodded.

"Olivia," he took her hand in his. "You're going to be a wonderful mother," he told her.

No one had told her that yet and it felt amazing. She loved the little person inside her more than she would ever be able to describe.

**

Elliot was waiting in court. He was told to get there as soon as possible, only to be told that he would not be giving evidence. He was pissed off - beyond pissed off. He was nervous about facing Vickers - scared that the truth would come out, but he had to hold his own and face the bastard. He sighed as the A.D.A walked toward him.

"I'm sorry that you had a wasted trip. You and Detective Benson will be called back tomorrow," he told him.

Elliot's head shot up. His heart stopped beating and he couldn't breathe. There in front of him was Olivia. He could only see the back of her head but he knew it was her. "_Oh god...breathe you idiot breathe," _he told himself. He couldn't move. He couldn't face her. It hit him that he would never be able to face her again. He was too ashamed of himself for everything he had put her through, and too afraid he wouldn't get over her leaving again. He turned away and walked toward the toilets.

"Detective Stabler!" the young A.D.A called.

Had she heard right? Olivia's heart skipped a beat as she heard his name and turned to see him, just the back of him but she knew it was him. She had to get away, she couldn't face him. If he turned around and saw her she wouldn't be able to hold his gaze. She had to get out of there.

**

"You told me you didn't know where she was!" Elliot shouted at Fin as soon as he entered the 1-6.

Fin sighed and stood up. "You going to hit me again?" he asked, standing against Elliot. "Cause I'll hit you back this time," he threatened.

"What the hell is going on?" Cragen asked. Elliot turned to him.

"Did you know?" he asked angrily. "Did you know she was back?" he turned again to Fin.

"You saw Olivia?" he asked, shaking his head.

"So you knew. Why the hell didn't you tell me?" he asked.

"Careful son," Cragen warned.

Elliot sighed as he walked away. "You shouldn't have kept her from me," he spoke as he walked out.

**

She was still shaken from seeing him and had no idea if he'd seen her. She just hoped that he hadn't. She thought she was going to have a heart attack when she had seen him. The baby was kicking like never before - probably due to what was going on with its mother. She hadn't told Tom that she'd seen Elliot. She didn't want to worry him. He'd gone out to get some food for them. He was too good to her. She often told herself that.

She heard a soft knock on the door.

"You forget your keys?" she asked, pulling open the door. She'd never felt more numb in her life.

Standing before her was Elliot Stabler.

She saw the look of sheer terror on his face as she pulled open the door, only to be replaced by shock as he lowered his gaze to her stomach.

"You..." he couldn't speak. He couldn't breathe. He felt like he'd had the wind literally kicked out of him. She was still pregnant. She was pregnant, with his baby.

Olivia Benson was still carrying his child.

She hadn't moved since opening the door, as if she was glued in place.

He shook his head.

"You...you need to go," she whispered, still unable to move.

"Olivia..." he couldn't string a sentence together.

She finally shook herself out of her daze. She was about to push the door closed when Elliot snapped out of his daze too and put his hand on the door. "Please...I..." he stopped as he heard footsteps behind him.

"Liv?" Tom walked towards her, wondering what was going on. "Can I help you?"

"Tom..." Olivia looked from him to Elliot and back again.

Elliot pulled away from the door as Tom walked past him into the apartment.

"Who are you?" Elliot barely whispered.

Tom looked up at him. "I'm Tom... this is my girlfriend Olivia... I'm guessing you already know her. This is our baby," he said monotonously. He knew exactly who the man was. There was no way in hell he was worming his way back into Olivia's life. He could tell from the look on her face that she didn't want him there.

Elliot looked at Olivia but she wouldn't hold his gaze.

"You okay?" Tom asked, placing a protective hand on her stomach.

Olivia wanted to pull away from him. She didn't want Elliot to see, but she forced herself to stay where she was. She wanted to talk to Elliot - to explain things to him, but she couldn't. She couldn't say a word.

"I uh...I'm sorry," Elliot mumbled before walking away.

Tom turned to Olivia. He didn't even need to ask who the man was. "That was him," he told her.

She nodded, unable to speak.

Tom closed the door leaving Elliot alone in the corridor, hidden from view feeling like his heart was about to burst from his chest.

**I know! I'm mean! Next part is ready now, get reviewing lol! Thank you again everyone and the next scene is simple Elliot and Olivia - no other characters x**


	11. Chapter 11

**Here's the next part - promised it would be quick! Thank you for the reviews and for everyone who's reading. X As always please review let me know what your thinking! Xx**

She couldn't sleep. Tom was holding her in his arms as he slept. They hadn't spoken about Elliot at all. She pretended to go take a bath, but just ran the water and cried. She grasped her stomach and cried like she used to do when she was alone at night just after she'd left him.

"_This is my girlfriend Olivia...This is our baby."_

She couldn't help but feel a little bit angry at Tom. She knew he was trying to protect her, but she'd wished she'd had the chance to explain to Elliot exactly what was going on - not that she would have been able to speak to him if he'd stayed. She'd been so frightened. So frozen.

She slowly slipped out of bed, being careful not to wake Tom.

**

Elliot sat in the locker room, unable to go home. It was practically dark in there. He hadn't realised he'd been sitting there for hours. He hadn't been able to form a single sentence in his mind. She was still pregnant but it was...it wasn't his? He didn't know what to do, what to think. Seeing her had hurt enough. Seeing her had made him feel as though he'd been hit by a truck. Both of them had frozen on the spot. She was so beautiful, but she was...she was pregnant. And the guy... Who was this guy? Had she been lying all along? She had been seeing someone? No...no she wouldn't do that to him. His heart was so heavy he didn't think he could get up.

"Elliot..." he heard her soft voice. He turned and saw her.

She looked terrified.

"How did you know I would be here?" he asked.

She bit her lip. It wasn't one of the questions she thought he would ask.

He stood up and she backed away before he even moved.

"Is it mine?" he asked.

This time she wasn't hurt by the question, given what Tom had said. Elliot was bound to be confused and she didn't know whether to lie to him or tell him the truth.

She nodded. She couldn't lie to him.

"Who's the guy?" he asked, unable to look at her.

"Tom..." she almost whimpered, scared of what his reaction would be.

Elliot finally caught her gaze.

"He...he's a good guy." She didn't know what else to say.

They were silent for a few moments.

"Were you just going to stay away?" he asked. "Have the kid, never tell me?"

"I didn't know what to do," she admitted.

"You had no right...do you know what I've been going through...?"

"What you've been going through?" she shook her head. "You didn't give me any choice Elliot."

"No...no you lied to me. I thought you...I thought it was gone." As he spoke she placed her hand over her stomach. "How could you let me think that?"

He was getting angry.

She looked away. She didn't come here for him to shout at her. In fact, he had no right to shout at her.

"You left ..." she told him, "You walked out, what the hell was I supposed to do?"

"Not lie!" He knew he shouldn't be shouting at her. He wanted nothing more than to tell her how relieved he was to see her; how much he wanted to hold her; how much he wanted to place his hands on her stomach. He felt like he'd been given a second chance a chance to make things right,

She looked away, "I shouldn't have come," she turned towards the door.

"No... " he reached for her, unable to touch her. "I'm...I'm sorry I just...you don't know what I've been thinking..." How could he ever explain the guilt he'd felt, thinking that she had given up her only chance for a child - for him.

"Elliot, I didn't want you to find out this way." She didn't know if she had wanted him to find out at all. "I...I thought it was for the best," she tried to explain, so many words aching to get out. "You said..."

"Everything I said was from shock. You just dropped it on me Olivia. I didn't know what I was supposed to do."

"You weren't supposed to walk out on me," she hung her head. "I uh, I know I was wrong. I didn't want to hurt you...you didn't give me a choice," she felt her voice breaking. She didn't know how she'd lasted this long without breaking down.

He looked up at her. He knew she was struggling. He couldn't quite believe that Olivia Benson was standing in front of him, pregnant with his child. Something he'd prayed for on so many nights.

"The things you said..." she bit her lip. She wanted to tell him how much he had hurt her - how he gave her no other way out.

"Were you ever going to..." he didn't know how to ask the question, "Were you always going to keep it?"

She shook her head. "I couldn't go through with it. I tried..."

"You should've told me," he shook his head again, struggling to get his head around what was happening.

"I left to protect you...your family-" she saw him flinch.

"You had no right to make that decision for me."

"You made it for yourself Elliot, or did you forget everything you told me?" She lowered her voice slightly. "I didn't come here to fight with you, I just...you had a right to know what was going on."

"What is going on?" he looked up at her, "Tim-"

"Tom..." she corrected him, "We're going to go back to Indiana. We're going to raise the baby together." His head shot up.

"What and it's all decided just like that?" he asked.

She wasn't prepared for this. Had he changed his mind? Did he want the baby?

"We...he's a good guy," she repeated.

He didn't care if he was a good guy. There was no way he was bringing up his child.

"What do you want from me Elliot?" she asked him.

"I...who is this guy?" he asked. He didn't care who he was, but he didn't know how to answer her earlier question. "You can't just give him my kid-"

"Don't. Don't do this," she told him, her hands still shaking. "You made this happen Elliot. You left me." She realised what she had said and bit her lip. "You didn't give me a choice Elliot."

"You just dropped it on me, what the hell was I supposed to do? And then you make this decision without me and I'm supposed to just accept it."

"Yes," she told him.

He looked up.

"You don't want this baby. It will tear your family apart. Tom is good for me, and he'll be a good-"

"Don't." He held his hand up, he couldn't hear her say that the guy would be a good father to his child. "I need a say in this."

"No, Elliot, please, you made your decision-" why was he making this so hard, why couldn't he just not want them like before?

"No, you made it for me. You told me you were pregnant and the next thing I know it's gone and so are you. You didn't give me a chance to digest anything."

"You told me you didn't want the baby. You said you didn't want anything to do with us!" she could feel herself getting angry. Who the hell did he think he was?

"No. No, Olivia – I was lost, okay, you didn't give me a chance-"

"Stop saying that! I gave you a chance. I gave you a chance and you...you showed me that it would never work. So I left. I didn't mean to make you think what you thought, but it made you stay away, and that's what I needed and it's what I still need. I need you to stay away from me."

"You're having my baby," the words hit her hard, he'd never called it his baby. Not once. It was always it.

"I'm having Tom's baby." She saw him shake his head, she wasn't trying to hurt him but it was for the best and he knew it "Everyone is going to think it's Tom's, and you know that it's for the best. You know it."

"I can't-"

"You have to. You have to do this Elliot. I can't...I can't have you around me anymore. Too much has happened."

"Olivia, you can't do this." He didn't know why he was fighting it, how would he explain it Kathy? He wasn't even thinking about that. He couldn't help but fight, something inside him was screaming at him, telling him not to give up.

"I have to do this, don't you get it? You broke my heart!" she put her hand up to her mouth, wishing she could take back the words that had just fallen out.

He looked directly in her eyes as tears began to form. She needed him to know, to stay away so she carried on.

"And...it's taken me months to stop crying over you, and I can't do it anymore Elliot, I can't." He flinched as he heard her voice break, he'd broken her heart. She placed her hand again on her stomach, afraid the baby would know she was upset. "If you ever felt anything for me..." she bit her lip, praying that he had felt something, "You'll leave me alone and just accept this, because I don't want to cry anymore. Not over you. I can't keep thinking of you and feeling the...the pain that I feel." A single tear slid down her cheek as she desperately begged him to stay away.

He thought his heart was going to break there and then. What had he done to her? He did feel something for her, more then he would ever admit. He knew she was right, he didn't deserve her or the baby and he had to let her have one chance at happiness after he nearly ruined it.

He nodded as he got up, struggling to speak.

"Okay," he mumbled.

She closed her eyes, unable to decipher exactly how she was feeling.

"I'll stay away. I'm sorry."

He walked out slowly with his head hung low leaving her alone.

**I hope you enjoyed this, I know it's a bit painful but stick with it! X PLease review, let me know what you want, what you're looking for, next chapter....Vickers is back! X**


	12. Chapter 12

**Okay everyone, this one is a bit of a long one, a special treat for everyone who has been following this - thank you all so much!!**

**Again this is a journey with many twists and turns so bear with me.**

**Thank you to Jessica R, my life saver!! XxX Please keep reviewing and letting me know what you think XxX**

She felt a little stronger than she thought she would. She expected tears, there were none. She'd sat alone for hours in the locker room, afraid to move. Afraid he would still be there. She didn't want to hurt him. She tried to make him understand but as usual he was being stubborn... Strangely enough it was one of the things she missed most about him. Tom would never disagree with her. It was a nice change but sometimes...she found herself being unreasonable on purpose just to see if he would react.

She chastised herself for comparing Tom and Elliot but no matter how much it angered her she kept doing it. What angered her more? Elliot won every time. She'd told him to stay away knowing it would near kill him, but also knowing that it was best for both of them. He had a family who would hate him if they ever found out about them, and the baby would never be accepted. And she...she was still struggling to tell herself that she wasn't in love with him anymore. Seeing him, being close to him - it nearly killed her and she thought her heart was going to burst.

She was so proud of herself for saying everything she needed to say... She wished she hadn't included the part about the broken heart, but that was what made him finally understand. She didn't want him to stay away, the thought alone made her want to curl up and cry, but she knew it was best for them both - even if she did feel selfish for wishing he would've fought that little bit harder...

**

He didn't know what to do, what to say. He wanted to hit something...Tim...Tom...he'd do. Who the hell did he think he was? That was _his_ baby - his and Olivia's. His heart lurched as she thought of her and what he had done to her.

"_You broke my heart."_

The words hit him so hard he fought to stay standing. He'd...he'd broken her heart. One of the few people he couldn't stand to live without. One of just 6 people he would die for. He couldn't argue with her. It took him a while to accept that she had lied to him about the baby. He was angry at first, then ashamed realising how desperate she must have been. He couldn't be mad at her anymore, as much as he tried to he knew he couldn't. After the way he had treated her he was lucky she hadn't shot him, though it may have hurt less.

He didn't have the courage to try and face her again. He couldn't see the look in her eyes again, the look of...utter loss. As much as it killed him he was going to try and do what she asked - try to stay away because he did care about her...and he couldn't stand to think of getting in the way of her happiness after holding her back for 10 long years. He'd broken the woman who held him together; he didn't deserve anything from her anymore. He was giving her up for her own good. He promised himself that it would be okay, that he wouldn't think about the baby, wouldn't wonder what it looked like, what it was doing. The feelings: regret, emptiness, need, sadness, he would have to keep feeling them, accept that his life was with his wonderful family and finally let her go - no matter how much it hurt. It was the least she deserved.

**

Olivia slowly walked into the 1-6. She needed to get out of the house. She'd hoped Elliot wouldn't be there, and when she had gotten to the department and saw his car, her heart dropped. She was back to thinking she couldn't face him. She'd asked the impossible of him and she knew he would struggle. He was a good man and a fantastic father, even if this baby didn't belong to the woman he loved he would struggle to stay away. She waited in her car and waited for him to leave before heading towards the door.

"Olivia!" she heard John Munch from afar, a voice she'd missed. He threw his arms around her, something she hadn't expected from him. "You uh...you eat a soccerball?" he asked referring to her stomach. She smiled.

"Good to see you too John," she smiled.

"You look amazing, so tell me...is it mine?" he asked.

Her eyes widened as she struggled to contain a giggle.

"Nah, she has taste." Fin smiled and kissed her softly on the cheek.

"You just missed Elliot," John told her.

She struggled not to flinch at the sound of his name.

"When did you get back?" he asked.

She didn't want to tell him she'd been back for so long without contacting him.

"Not long, just here for the trial then going back."

"You uh, you just kinda left us hanging Liv," John said.

She turned to him. Was he trying to be sincere?

"Had me a little worried - all of us. You going to stay in contact this time?" he asked.

She nodded.

"This little one needs to know his Uncle John."

"Poor kid," they both heard Fin mumble as he looked through his desk for a stray file.

She'd missed them both so much.

"I'm sorry John, I just...had a lot of things to decide...sort out," she tried to explain. "This is my cell number." She handed him a card.

"You gonna keep this one?"

"How else would I be able to update you on this?" she placed her hand on her stomach.

"Is he good enough for you?" John asked, shocking her by how sweet he was being.

She nodded. "He is."

"I want to meet him," he told her.

She was about to object.

"Can I get in on this too?" Fin piped up.

"You know what? I don't think he's ready for you two," Olivia smiled, imagining the grilling they would give Tom.

"Three. Elliot will want to meet him too," John said absent mindedly.

Fin immediately interrupted as he saw Olivia's expression change.

"But uh, we can start with just us two. Don't wanna overwhelm the poor guy," Fin gave Olivia a short smile.

She gave him a look of thanks.

"So where are you staying and what time should we come round?" Munch interrupted. "How about tonight?" he asked.

She looked up at him about to say no.

"Great tonight it is, I won't take no for an answer," he gave her a soft smile, which tuned into a smirk. "It's either that or I do a background check on the guy?" he asked.

When did Munch become so protective of her?

Fin shot Munch the "Back off" look. Nearly a month ago he and Munch had sat together in a bar after three weeks of trying to find Olivia with no luck. Fin finally broke his silence and told his partner what had happened during the undercover operation at Sealview. John munch was horrified, even more so when Fin told him about what Olivia had suffered because of that monster. Fin had never been so remorseful, constantly questioning if he could have gotten to her any quicker.

As he watched her now he could see that she was still struggling with something. He prayed it wasn't the demon that had so often overwhelmed her before she left – yet at the same time he hoped it was nothing worse than that, afraid that his friend wouldn't be able to take it. He knew John wouldn't say anything, but he could see how much it affected him, and now she was back neither one of them wanted to lose her again.

"You're serious aren't you?" she looked from him to Fin. "Let me run it by him okay?"

"What's his name?" John asked.

She smiled. "Tom, and that's all you're getting," she smiled. It felt so natural being back with them again. She felt a twinge of sadness as she thought about leaving them again, but now the secrets were out she didn't have to hide away. For Elliot's sake she would contact both Fin and Munch separately and try to ensure they didn't pass on any news about the baby. She didn't want to hurt him, and she knew she was. She found it hard to breathe as she considered exactly how much he would be hurting...because of her. She didn't have a choice. She had to keep telling herself that. Any excuse would work. He deserved it. He didn't want them anyway...

"Liv?" Fin's voice shook her from her thoughts. "You okay?" he asked gently, placing his hand on her arm.

She nodded. "Sorry, miles away. Listen uh, I'm gonna go and get you guys some coffee."

"None for you," John's head shot up.

"Thank you Dr. Munch," she called as she walked out. She had to pull herself together. Just a few more days and she would be away from him. She wouldn't have to fear seeing him. She wouldn't feel so much guilt that she thought she'd implode when the baby kicked as he talked... The kid couldn't know who he was, so why did it keep kicking every time he spoke to her? Must be something about the tone of his voice?

She was doing the right thing...she was doing exactly the right thing. He wouldn't have walked away if she wasn't. He would have fought. Two essential facts that constantly ran through her mind. It helped to ease her guilt: in staying away she was saving Elliot's family and essentially his mind. When he'd been separated before he was a nightmare, nearly losing his job on many occasions. The second fact was a slightly harder pill for her to swallow, something Holly had hammered into her while picking up the pieces of her broken heart. It had taken her a while to accept, but eventually it hit her: Olivia Benson deserved to be happy. This was her chance and she was going to grab it with both hands.

**

Olivia bit her lip nervously as she waited outside the courtroom. It had been three days since she'd seen her friends in the 1-6 and she still hadn't invited them over. She wasn't ready. A chill ran down her spine knowing how close she was to Vickers. She cradled her stomach. She wished there was some way that she could hide her baby from him. She didn't want him to see it. She couldn't stand the thought of him even thinking about her baby.

"Liv?"

She looked up slightly confused as she heard a familiar voice.

"Holly?" she shook her head as her friend walked towards her. She opened her arms and hugged her. "What are you doing here?"

"I uh, I didn't want you to do this on your own," Holly admitted. "I tried to get here earlier but work was crazy. How are you doing?" she asked, looking at the tense expression on the pregnant woman's face.

"It's uh..." she didn't have the energy to lie, "I just want this to be over so we can go home."

"I know how you feel about this bastard, and I'm going to be in there with you, okay? So don't worry."

She took her friend's hand. She wanted to tell her that she shouldn't have come and that she was okay, but she was so grateful to have Holly by her side. Her breath caught in her throat as she saw Elliot walk in the main entrance.

"Is that him?" Holly asked.

Olivia nodded. Why did he still have this affect on her? She felt like she was frozen on the spot.

"It's okay, come on," she gently led Olivia away from him.

**

Holly sat next to Olivia in the courthouse. Vickers was sitting directly across from them staring right at the pregnant detective, and Elliot was on the left hand side. Holly had expected Elliot to look like an asshole. She knew he was an asshole, and she wanted him to act like one...just once so she could put him exactly where he belonged. It shocked her how reserved he was. He sat alone. He looked like a broken-hearted man. Every time Holly found herself feeling sorry for him she remembered holding her friend as she cried for the man who had broken her. She'd never seen Olivia so cut up and she was determined to hate the man responsible for it. She noticed he would occasionally glance at Olivia, trying to pretend he was looking at something else.

She turned to her friend, knowing she was terrified, and amazed at how well she hid it, her hand placed firmly on her stomach. Holly recalled the first time she had seen Olivia actually excited about the fact that she was going to have a baby - the first day that she stopped moping about asshole over there, and began to feel excited. She heard Olivia's hitched breath as Elliot was called to the stand. A few moments into the cross examination Olivia finaly looked at him.

Victor Rawlings was an older gentleman with brown hair and an expensive grey suit. He was renowned for being indestructible in court.

"Please Detective Stabler, could you describe exactly what Mr. Vickers did to your partner Olivia Benson before you entered the room?" the older man asked Elliot.

He shifted in his seat. "Uh, she had bruises on her arms and face that suggested he had assaulted her."

"Sexually?" His question made both Elliot and Olivia look up.

"Uh, no she told me that he hadn't."

"She told you that he hadn't...did you find that strange?" he asked.

Elliot frowned. "Find what strange?"

"That someone who had supposedly raped at least 6 other woman hadn't done the same to your partner despite her being alone with him?"

"I didn't think about it at the time." He hadn't. He was so relieved she was okay.

"I mean, forgive me detective," he shot a glance at Olivia, "But your partner is a very good looking lady is she not?" he asked. He paused waiting for Elliot to answer. Vickers' sadistic grin grew larger as he saw Elliot once again shift in his seat. "Detective do you agree that Detective Benson is attractive?"

"I don't see what this has to do with the-" he couldn't answer the question when she was sitting right there. She avoided his gaze at all times unlike the woman who was sitting next to her. Elliot had no idea who she was but she could feel her hatred for him from the other side of the room.

"The point of the question is that you have accused him of multiple rapes-"

"And murders-" Elliot jumped in.

"Multiple rapes. So why not rape your partner?" he asked.

Elliot gulped. "He uh, he said he wanted to wait until I got there," he closed his eyes momentarily.

"To do what?"

This guy was really getting on his nerves. "To rape her."

The low tone of his voice told Olivia that he was getting frustrated.

"And did he? Did he rape her in front of you?"

"No."

"No, he didn't. In fact he didn't touch her sexually at all."

"He pushed her to the ground and took off his belt. He told me he was going to rape her."

"And what did you do Detective Stabler?"

"I tried to get in there."

"And while you were trying to get in there? What was happening?" Rawlings asked.

"He had pulled my partner off the ground and kissed her."

"Did she kiss him back?"

"No!" he yelled. He calmed himself quickly.

"So he kissed her and then what?"

"He unlocked the door and told me to put my gun down."

"And you did?"

"Yes," he spoke through gritted teeth.

"Why?"

"He would have killed my partner. He had a knife to her throat." He shuddered as he relieved the memory.

"Did Detective Benson ask you to leave?"

"No."

"No? Detective Benson didn't ask you to leave? How about later on? Was there any time when you had the chance to leave?" he asked.

Elliot sat up. "About 9 hours after locking us in the room he told us one of us could leave. It was a form of emotional torture."

As he spoke Olivia struggled not to remember the moments leading up to Elliot being shot - the desperation, the fear. Holly reached for her hand. Olivia gave her a soft smile.

"Why?" Rawlings dipped his head to the side.

"What?" Elliot asked. He didn't understand where the line of questioning was headed.

"Why is giving you a chance to escape emotional torture? You didn't think he was doing you a favour?"

"He wanted to see if we would sacrifice each other."

"And you wouldn't sacrifice Olivia Benson to go home to your children and wife safely?" he asked almost accusingly.

"I wouldn't sacrifice anyone, let alone my partner."

"But she asked you to leave, told you it was okay? Told you to go because you had a wife and kids to look after. Why didn't you go?" he asked again.

Elliot swallowed and looked towards Olivia.

"I knew what he would do to her," he said in a low tone - so low she could barely hear him.

"I'm sorry what?"

"I knew what he would have done to her, and I couldn't let him do that to her."

"So you were the knight in shining armour?"

"No."

"You stayed to save her – why didn't she leave? He wouldn't have raped you?"

"We knew whichever one of us stayed would be killed – that's if he was going to let either one of us go at all; if it wasn't all a sick joke." He couldn't look at her, he just couldn't.

"And that's when he shot you? When your partner was pleading with you to leave?"

"Yes."

"It must have been very frightening."

The questioning went on like this for what seemed like forever. Halfway through another question, Olivia looked up as Vickers continued to stare at her. She barely heard the judge tell everyone it was getting late and they would continue tomorrow. The way he was looking at her - it sent another chill down her spine. She didn't understand why he was smiling. The way he was looking at her...as if...as if he knew something she didn't.

Holly shook her from her thoughts by standing up.

"Guess we'll have to come back tomorrow. You okay?" she asked.

Liv nodded.

"Don't look at him," she again ushered Liv away from Vickers. She needed to get her away from there. Away from the two men who had essentially caused all of the trauma.

"Liv-" they both turned to see Elliot walking towards them. "Liv, please can we talk?" he asked.

She looked at him. "I'm sorry, I said everything I had to say..."

"Please?" he asked. He needed to talk to her, to tell her that he couldn't sit out of his child's life or hers. The lawyer reminding him why he wouldn't leave her with Vickers convinced him that he couldn't let them slip away.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled again, turning her back on him and walking away.

**

"And he said okay?" Holly asked. Liv nodded. "Just like that, he said he'd stay away?" They had been in the cafe for nearly 2 hours. "How do you feel about that?"

"Uh...I don't know. I thought I would feel relief," she sighed.

"But you don't?"

"I don't know – he's not...he's not a bad person Holly-"

"Don't. Don't you dare do this. After everything he did to you?"

"I don't know if he deserves this – to know that someone else is bringing up his baby?"

"He deserves to have it cut off the way he treated you. What would you do?" she asked. "You think his wife would let him play happy families with you?" she asked.

Olivia bit her lip.

"You made your decision away from him, and I think it was the right one. Now that you're around him again, you're getting confused, and you know what? I get it," she told her friend. "But he doesn't deserve you Olivia, and you don't deserve to be treated the way that he's treated you all these years."

Olivia looked up. "It's just been this-"

"Just this would be bad enough, but honey, where was he when you were attacked?"

"Holly don't." She didn't want to think about it - not while she was pregnant. She just couldn't. She had told Holly whilst crying about Elliot. It only made Holly more angry at him.

"No, where was he? By the sounds of it you sorted out his whole life for him, and then when you really need him he's not there, too busy playing happy family."

"You don't know him-"

"And I don't want to know him Liv, I want to...hit him where it hurts. You say you were best friends? What best friend doesn't comfort you when something that horrific happens?" She took a deep breath. "You can't excuse what he did to you. Not just with the baby, but with everything."

"I'm not...I'm not, I just...I wish that-"

"You wish that you'd had the abortion?" Holly asked softly.

Olivia's hand flew to her stomach. "No, no...to start with I thought maybe it would be for the best...but now I can't imagine my life without it."

"Then what? You need to accept that all he will ever be is the man who gave you your baby. That's how you need to think of him. Forget everything else good and bad. You don't need him in your life. And this little one?" she put her hands on Olivia's ever growing bump, "This little guy-"

"Or girl-"

"Or girl...this little guy or girl is going to be so loved. Olivia you were born to be a mother, and I was born to be an aunt," she smiled. "I'm not trying to upset you.

"You aren't. You're right...I know it...I just have to stay strong for a few more days."

"Don't let that ass of a lawyer stress you out okay? Cause I'll have to kill him." She smiled as a smile tugged on Olivia's lips. "You know that I love you right?" she asked quietly.

"Yeah, I know, and I know you're doing what you think is best...and you're right." She nodded.

"So how about we get some Ice Cream and a film? Tom is away on business for another night, so let's have a girlie night in," Holly offered.

"Okay, that'd be nice."

"Great, okay you go home, I'll get the film and ice cream and I'll meet you there?"

"We could go together?" Olivia told her as she stood up.

"No, go on. You go and put your feet up," she smiled as Olivia walked out.

**

Elliot was sitting in the 1-6 at his desk. He knew that Vickers' defence was going to rip him to shreds tomorrow. He would ask how Olivia was found to be unconscious. He would tell the world that it was by his hands. He still didn't know if Vickers had seen him and Olivia having sex. He prayed to God that he hadn't. He couldn't face the world knowing.

"Elliot Stabler?" he turned from his thought and desk to see the woman from the courthouse. He stood up.

"How can I help you?"

"I want you to stay away from Olivia," Holly told him firmly.

"Excuse me?" Elliot looked around to see that no one else was around. "Do I know you?"

"You don't know me, I don't know you and to be honest I don't want to-" she told him angrily.

"Look lady-" he walked towards her.

"No, you look. Olivia is my friend and I was there watching her cry herself to sleep every night for a month because of you."

As she spoke Elliot's heart began to feel heavy. He didn't want to hear this.

"Forcing her to eat, making sure she was looking after herself and the baby. I have never seen her like that, and I don't want to again. So stay away from her."

"I don't know who you are, but you have no right to come in here-"

"I have every right! Olivia Benson doesn't cry, she doesn't sob. You have no right to walk back into her life-"

"Hey, she walked back into mine! I didn't even know she was still pregnant."

"Yeah and if I'd had it my way you would never have known."

"You think that's fair?"

"Fair? Does your wife think it's fair that another woman is carrying your child?"

She may as well have hit him. He hadn't told Kathy that Olivia was still pregnant.

"No, I didn't think so," she continued.

"You don't know anything about me and Olivia."

"I know you left her when she needed you, but you have a habit of doing that, right? I mean, where the hell were you when she was practically raped?" she looked up at him.

The shock on his face told her everything.

Shit.

"What?" he asked, his heart pounding.

She looked away, unsure of what to do.

"Just stay away from her." She was about to walk out.

He ran in front of her in one swift movement.

"No, what the hell did you mean?" he asked.

She looked at him.

"You talking about Sealview? What happened?" he asked.

She honestly felt sorry for him. She saw the confusion and panic in his face.

"He didn't rape her okay." She didn't even want to tell him that.

"What did he do to her? Tell me, please!"

Was he begging?

"She didn't tell you?" she asked.

He hung his head. "She wouldn't talk to me about it. She would never tell me what happened, told me she was fine."

"She will be fine...as long as you keep your distance. She doesn't need any more stress, okay? It's not good for the baby."

The mention of the baby was like a shot in the gut.

"I didn't want to hurt her-"

"I believe you," and she did. "But you did, so imagine what damage you could have done of you were trying? She loves you, and she's never going to get over you until you let her go."

"I can't..." he'd thought about nothing else since she told him to leave her alone.

"Do you care about her?" she asked. Her anger had subsided. She could see he, too, was struggling... but he was still an asshole.

"Yes," he told her.

"Do you love her?" she asked, looking at his blank expression.

He slowly raised his gaze to meet hers. "Yes."

The answer shocked them both.

She sighed. "Listen, I know this isn't easy for you either, but this way less people get hurt. She's thinking about you and your kids and your wife. As always she's putting you first. You need to do the same for her. She can't live in your family's shadow, and she sure as hell won't let her baby. I believe that you love her - that you didn't want to hurt her, and I'm sorry for coming in all guns blazing, but I love her too, and I can't stand to see her suffering. You know that I'm right," she spoke softly.

He looked up at her and cleared his throat, worried he wouldn't be able to speak.

"Tom...is he a good guy?" he asked.

She nodded. "He's a great guy, and he loves her."

As she spoke Elliot felt like his heart was being smashed into a million pieces.

"He'll make her happy."

"And the baby?" he whispered, tears threatening to overwhelm him.

"The baby will be more loved than any other child I know. You know Olivia wouldn't let anyone near her child if she thought they wouldn't love it with all their heart."

"She's uh..." he needed to get a grip. "She's going to be great," he tried to force a smile. He suddenly straightened up and coughed. "Uh, listen," his voice came out a little stronger, "Try and convince her not to go to the courthouse until she's called to give evidence. I won't go when it's her turn."

"Okay." Holly genuinely felt for the man standing in front of her. She had to try not to let her emotions take over as she watched him struggle to compose himself.

"And uh..." he gulped once more, "look after them for me?" he asked softly, the words barely coming out, his heart threatening to break at any moment.

She nodded softly and walked away leaving him alone.

**Is anyone feeling sorry for Elliot yet? Hope you're still enjoying this, please review, let me know how you feel. Thank you guys xx**


	13. Chapter 13

**Thank you to everyone that has been folloing the respose has been amazing!! This is the longest chapter yet, enjoy!! And please review xxx**

He sat alone, the wife and children asleep upstairs. He sighed as he walked over to the drinks cabinet and poured himself another drink.

"Elliot?"

He heard Kathy's soft voice. He turned to see her standing in the doorway.

She walked in slowly, "What are you doing down here?"

"Thinking," he admitted.

She looked up at him. She gently put her hand on his shoulder. They were nowhere near back to normal and she hadn't forgotten what he'd done, but she hated seeing him in such turmoil. "She came back for the trial?" she asked. She hadn't been brave enough to ask before. He nodded and she felt her heart skip a beat. What was she supposed to do? Ask if Olivia was okay?

He turned and faced her, unsure of how to tell her.

"There's something else?" Kathy asked. "Have you..." she tried to hide the tears forming in her eyes by turning away. "If you've slept with her again Elliot...then just tell me and we'll end this now." She swallowed the sob that threatened to escape.

"I haven't," he placed his hand on her shoulder. "Kathy I haven't."

"Then what is it? What aren't you telling me?" she asked. She knew something else was wrong and she just wanted him to be honest with her.

He nodded, bracing himself. "She's still pregnant," he told her softly.

She looked up at him eyes wide.

"I didn't know until she came back-"

"She's still pregnant?" she repeated, pulling away from him slightly. "She lied?"

"She thought it was for the best," he spoke quietly.

"She thought it was for..." she raised her hand to her head. "What does she want you to do?" she asked, turning to her husband.

"Nothing," he shook his head.

"Nothing? She's said that? She's told you she wants-"

"She's with someone. She's with someone and they're going to raise it together and they're going to be a family." He reached for the drink again.

"Why do you sound so cut up about that?" she asked him.

He raised his eyes to meet hers. "Kathy-" he turned away from her, unable to hold her gaze. How could he tell her that this was killing him? The thought of her bringing up a baby with another man was driving him insane. How could he tell her?

"What if she wanted you to be involved?" she asked, unable to believe she was asking the question. She remembered the times she had spent alone with Olivia trying to get a read on her feelings for Elliot, she never could. The other woman was so soft-spoken around her, so helpful. She eventually realised that if she couldn't stay mad at Elliot, then she couldn't stay mad at Olivia, but this...this was completely different. How dare she lie...how dare she come back...how dare she do this to her family again?

"I don't know-"

"That's not good enough Elliot. If she turns around to you tomorrow and tells you that she wants you to be involved with the...the baby what are you going to say?"

"What do you want me to say?" he asked.

"I want you to tell me that if she called you right now, you wouldn't walk out on me to go and see her," she told him. "But you can't tell me that can you?" She bit her lip.

"She's having my baby-"

"It's got nothing to do with that. Even before all this, no matter what you were doing, the second she'd call you'd be gone. We could be in the bath, in bed together – the second she called you were gone-"

"That was for work."

"Really? So what about the fact that when Fin or Munch called you'd take your time? Do you understand that I cannot do this anymore?" she asked him.

He nodded.

"So tell me now - tell me right now that if she called here and told you she needed you that you wouldn't go." She wasn't crying anymore. She didn't have the energy. She was waiting for her husband's answer. She wouldn't come in second place to Olivia Benson any longer, but she wasn't angry about it... She didn't know why she wasn't angry or upset, she just didn't want to do this anymore.

"I can't." He could've lied, but it would only have prolonged the inevitable. He raised his hand to his forehead, "I love you," he told her. "I don't want to hurt you Kath," he rested his hand on her cheek.

"What do you want to do?" she walked away from him. "I don't want to do this anymore...I can't do it anymore," she admitted. "You need to decide what you want," she told him.

He stared at her. He loved his wife more than he would ever be able to tell her, and she'd given him five beautiful children, but there was no way he would be able to turn his back on Olivia again if she ever decided that she needed him again.

"What do you want-"

"No, tell me what you want. I'm not going to make the decision for you Elliot," she refused.

There were a few moments of silence before he finally spoke. "I'm not going to be with her," he told her.

"But you are going?" she asked, trying to hold it together. Her hands were shaking, desperate to reach out and beg him to stay.

"I don't want to do this to you. I don't want to hurt you anymore than I already have."

"I forgave you."

"No you didn't. You pretended to forgive me and I don't blame you, I messed up. I'm not going to keep doing this when I know you could be happier-"

"Promise me you're not leaving me for her," she told him. She took his hand in hers, "Promise me, Elliot, that this is about us and not her?"

He looked up at her finally realising that it was in fact about them. He thought that finally admitting that he was in love with his partner made it impossible to stay with Kathy, however, it was in fact admitting that he was no longer in love with his wife that made it impossible.

"This is about us, I think...I shouldn't have come back in the first place."

The words stung them both.

"You're in love with her aren't you?" she asked.

He couldn't answer her.

"Do you...do you still love me?" she asked him, tears finally welling in her eyes.

"I will always love you," he gently pulled her into a hug. "I don't want to hurt you anymore. I'm so sorry." He held her as she sobbed, knowing he was giving up one of the best things in his life - but he couldn't lie to himself any longer, it wasn't fair to him, Kathy or the kids.

**

Olivia lay awake in her bed as Tom slept next to her. He reached for her in his sleep and pulled her closer. She'd barely slept, thinking about Elliot, Vickers and her baby. She knew being so close to Elliot again was clouding her judgement, so she forced herself to remember the reason she had left him in the first place. She'd had to do this a few times since she'd been back. Tom had asked her numerous questions about Elliot - whether she'd seen him, spoken to him. She eventually told him that she didn't have the energy to talk about Elliot.

Being pregnant was exhausting and she was constantly tired. Adding Elliot on top of this took nearly every ounce of energy she had. As difficult as it was and had been, Olivia lived for the wonderful moments when her baby kicked, for the times the baby moved. The incredible bond she felt overwhelmed her. She often wondered if she was carrying a boy or a girl, sometimes thinking she couldn't wait a minute longer to find out, then when offered the chance at the scan, deciding that she could wait. She imagined her little baby and no matter what sex, what colour hair, what colour eyes, he or she would be perfect, because she had been waiting for so long.

She'd had a dream that she was at home alone and everything was grey. The flowers on her window were dying and she was unable think straight. Suddenly the door flew open and a little girl of about 4 ran through the door, throwing her arms around Olivia. Colour started creeping back into the picture and the flowers were revitalised. She'd woken up smiling, convinced she was having a little girl, until the next dream showed a handsome little boy bringing her flowers on her birthday.

"You awake?" she heard Tom grumble, shaking her from her thoughts about the life she was gearing up for.

"Good morning." She turned to him and kissed him.

"Mmmm, good morning beautiful," he smiled. "What are you doing up so early?" he asked.

"Well apparently when I like to sleep the baby likes to kick." She placed her hand on her stomach, closely followed by Tom's.

"Hey baby!" he called, resting his head against her stomach and making her giggle. "Give your mom a break, huh?" he kissed her stomach.

She watched him as he continued to stroke her belly and wondered how she'd gotten so lucky. He was so good to her and she knew that he would love the baby more than anyone in the world - apart from her, of course.

"What?" he looked up, noticing the way she was looking at him.

"I'm so lucky to have you," she told him, running her hands through his hair.

"You kidding me? I'm the lucky one, I have a beautiful girlfriend, beautiful baby on the way- everything's perfect," he told her.

She nodded, still gazing at him.

"I love you," he told her.

She looked up at him. Everything with Tom had been so quick, but those three words got left behind. She looked at him. "I love you too." It felt strange, but not bad strange. Maybe she wasn't quite ready to say it yet, but she couldn't say nothing...she couldn't say 'thank you' - what a low blow that would have been.

He moved toward her and captured her lips. "You're so beautiful," he told her as he deepened the kiss.

**

Elliot looked up as Cragen walked out of his office.

"What's the hold up? I'm supposed to be in court in half an hour," he told his CO, obviously annoyed that he'd been kept waiting.

"Elliot-"

Before he could speak, Olivia walked in. Elliot looked away immediately as if the sight of her burned.

"Captain, I got here as soon as I could," she avoided Elliot as much as she could.

"Would you both come in?" he asked gesturing to his office.

Olivia froze and Elliot's heart stopped. The game was up. Vickers must have finally told someone what he had seen.

"Uh Cap..." he didn't know what to say.

She walked in first and he slowly followed. Being careful not to look at each other or touch, they both sat down.

"I can explain..."

"I have some bad news for you both," he told them.

They both looked up at him. "Turns out that the judge in Vickers' trial is a family member of one of the victims."

Olivia stared at him, unable to talk.

"What? No. No way." He wasn't shouting. Why wasn't he shouting? He stood up, "So what, that's it?"

"It's a mistrial Elliot, there's nothing we can do-"

"No! No he doesn't just walk away!" Now he was shouting.

Olivia placed her hand over her stomach trying to grasp what she had been told. He was free...the bastard was free.

"He already has. He's being sent back to Washington, and he's not allowed back into New York-"

"He's going to kill again. He's going to kill someone else." Elliot paced back and forth.

"We've passed on all his details-"

"That's not enough!" he slammed his fist so hard onto Cragen's desk it shocked all three of them.

"I know that you two went through a lot because of this monster, and I'm sorry it's ended this way but there's nothing anyone can do-"

"I can kill the bastard." The words were out of his mouth before he could even think about what he was saying.

"Elliot, if you go near him I will arrest you myself."

"We could..." Olivia spoke for the first time, "We could try to see if there were any other cases we didn't know about? Get him for that? Even just one could put him away for 20 years?" she asked.

Cragen looked up. He nodded slowly trying to think of how they could do what was suggested.

"You think there are any he didn't tell you about?" he asked.

"It's worth a shot," she told him.

"Okay you two work on this-"

"No."

They both stopped as Elliot spoke. She knew he was right - it was a bad idea, so why was her heart aching?

"Excuse me?" Cragen asked.

"I'm sorry, but I'd rather work with Much or Fin."

"Munch and Fin aren't available. Olivia is," Cragen gestured the woman in front of him.

"I can't work with her." He didn't even bother to wait for a response. He walked out leaving Olivia and Cragen alone.

She bit her lip. He really hated her that much? She knew she'd asked him to stay away but... No, she'd asked him to stay away. She couldn't be upset now, because he was doing what she had asked.

"Olivia..." he didn't know what to say to her. The look on her face told him she was devastated, but he promised himself when they got back from being Vickers' prisoners that he wouldn't interfere.

"Sir," she attempted to pretend she was okay, "I can work this alone, looking through old cases-"

"You can't be out on the street Olivia."

"I know. I'm not officially with SVU anymore."

"Oh, you are," he told her.

She looked up.

"I told you I wasn't sure you were gone. You were on leave. You had a lot racked up... thought I'd give you the benefit of the doubt."

"For three months?" she asked him.

He looked at the confused expression on her face. "We can talk about this later – but I meant I can't risk you getting hurt, which is why you'll be on desk duty."

She nodded.

"Even if this is only temporary," he opened his top desk drawer and pulled out her gun and badge, "Welcome back."

**

She had it all sorted out: Whenever he was in, she would work from home. Whenever he was at home, she would work in the office. She'd been back three days - something neither Tom nor Holly were happy about, but she'd told them to stop fussing and got straight back to work. She'd had nightmares every night since hearing about Vickers being freed. She was exhausted but she was determined to put him where he belonged. The thought of him on the streets made her feel permanently unsafe. She rested her hand on her stomach as she leaned back in her chair. She was getting nowhere fast and it was beginning to frustrate her. She felt a strong hand on her shoulder and turned to see Tom.

"Hey, what are you doing here?" she asked standing up.

"I wanted to take you to lunch," he offered. He looked up as Elliot walked in.

She hadn't realised he would be in. She wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. It wasn't fair to throw her relationship in his face.

"Can we do dinner instead?" she asked. She turned to the mountain of paperwork on her desk.

"This must be Tom!"

She smiled as Munch walked in.

"John Munch."

Tom held his hand out only to have it ignored.

"Good luck," Olivia mumbled as she walked toward the toilet smiling. She knew Tom could handle himself - not least because she had prepared him, told him all about the two men he would be facing and how to get around them.

"So how long were you together before you got Olivia pregnant?"

Both he and Elliot looked up.

"Shut up Munch," Fin told him as he followed his partner in. "The guy's about three feet taller than you. He'll kill you. Fin," he held his hand out, "Nice to finally meet you man. Olivia's told me a lot about you."

"Yeah, likewise. She told me to expect the third degree so I'm ready when you are." He smiled at John who was glaring at him - like a father sizing up his daughter's date. "I just want you to know that I love her."

As he spoke Elliot froze.

"I'd never hurt her, and I'd never leave her."

Was that a dig at him?

"You got something you wanna say to me?" he walked toward Tom who looked up at him and merely flashed a smile at Fin and Munch, ignoring the man walking closer to him.

"Something to say to you? Nothing at all." Tom shook his head and turned away. "So John-"

"No, come on tough guy, let's hear it!" He shoved him in the shoulder.

Tom spun around and before anyone could do anything, the two of them were on each other beating the crap out of each other. Fin was sent flying as he tried to pull them apart. Munch ran forward to help his partner. All of Elliot's pent up rage suddenly escaped as he punched Tom harder than he'd ever hit anyone. He felt his ribs crack as Tom fought back.

"What the hell is going on?"

Everyone froze. Munch was midway to helping Fin off the ground, while Tom and Elliot still had a tight hold of each other. Donald Cragen had never sounded so angry.

"Detective Stabler, let go of him!" he ordered.

Elliot didn't move.

"Let go!"

Elliot pushed Tom away from him.

"Someone want to tell me exactly what's going on?"

As Cragen spoke Olivia walked out of the bathroom, shocked to see both Elliot and Tom battered and bleeding.

"He assaulted a police officer." Elliot took out his handcuffs.

"You're kidding me?" Tom turned to him.

"Who started this?" Cragen turned to Fin and Munch. "Who threw the first punch?"

"I did, but-" Tom didn't even have time to finish as Elliot roughly pushed him against the desk and cuffed him. Tom didn't react. When he'd hit the man arresting him, it was as the guy who had hurt the woman he loved. He had forgotten about the whole "police officer" part.

Elliot watched as Olivia stood in shock. She slowly walked over to him, closer than she had been in a long time and whispered, "Don't do this." Her voice was pleading. He was going to have a black eye the next day. She could tell that much from being so close - the bruise already forming.

Everyone was silent.

Elliot angrily uncuffed the man he'd grown to hate and walked away.

"Liv I-" Tom tried to explain.

"You should go." She couldn't even look at him.

"Liv-"

"Please, we'll talk later I just...I need you to go."

"What, so you can go and talk to him?" he accused.

She looked up at him.

"I don't want to talk to either of you. Who the hell do you think you are?" she asked angrily. She shook her head and turned away from him. She wasn't going to argue with him in her place of work.

"Just go," she told Tom.

"I'm sorry Liv," he kissed her on the side of the cheek.

She turned to him and stroked the side of his face. "You're going to be hurting tomorrow," she sighed softly. "Why did you do this?" she asked him.

"He pushed me. He pushed me before I hit him - I promise. You know I wouldn't just hit him."

She looked into his eyes. She didn't have to do it. She knew Elliot, and she knew he would've started it. "This isn't okay," she turned away from him.

He nodded and headed toward the door. "I am sorry," she heard him mumble.

"Olivia-"

"Captain I'm sorry-"

"I don't know what's happened between you and Elliot, and I've left it for a long time now, but this can't happen again. If this affects your work – either of you, I'm going to have to think about you working here again."

"It won't happen again," she told him, sitting back down. She felt a strange twinge in her stomach and guessed the baby was as angry as she was. She tried to calm herself. Anger was not good for her child.

**

Elliot looked up as he heard the door of the locker room open.

"You wanna tell me why the hell I just got hit?" Fin asked. He wasn't angry, just annoyed. He rubbed the side of his face where Elliot's fist had connected, "...again?" he continued.

"It was an accident."

"This time," he sighed, sitting next to his colleague who was sitting on a bench, head in arms.

"Yeah, this time," he sighed. "Next time just leave me to beat the crap out of him."

"You don't like him? He seems like a nice guy."

"He's an idiot," he told Fin, for want of a better word.

"There are a lot of idiots in this world. He doesn't seem like one of them. I get that you don't think he's good enough for her, but you can't just push the guy. You knew he'd hit you and you pushed him into it," Fin sighed. Elliot had been a pain in the ass with Olivia's boyfriends before, often pulling the overprotective father role, but never this.

"It's not that," he shook his head, walking toward his locker, desperate to pummel the shit out of it.

"Then what is it? Olivia wouldn't settle down with just anyone. You don't trust her judgment?"

"It's not about judgment," he rested his head against his locker.

"Then what the hell is it about?" Fin rolled his eyes. Maybe he was just being an ass for the sake of it. It wouldn't be the first time.

"What happened when you two were undercover?" Elliot asked out of the blue.

Fin shook his head. "Elliot-"

"Did he rape her?" he asked, not wanting to hear the wrong answer.

Fin sighed and looked at him. "He didn't rape her, but I don't know how far it went."

"Well, what _do_ you know?" he asked getting slightly angrier.

"That she was struggling. She uh...she was showing signs of post-traumatic stress."

"What? When?" he asked shaking his head. Where the hell had he been? How could he have missed this? The reality of Holly's words hit him.

"_I know you left her when she needed you, but you have a habit of doing that, right?"_

She was always fixing his mistakes - covering for him, and he always pushed her to the side, expecting she'd just be there. How the hell could he have missed this? He knew she was struggling. He knew that, and he thought that she would come to him eventually, but she never did.

"Now I have to ask _you_ something," he was shaken from his thoughts by Fin.

He looked up at him.

"Vickers...when you two..." he closed his mouth, thinking carefully about how to phrase his words, "I know the baby isn't Tom's." His words made Elliot's heart skip a beat.

He knew.

Shit.

"And if he raped her, and this is his kid, you have to know that she's not okay."

"Fin-"

"And if you knew that he raped her, and you still let her leave-"

"I didn't let her leave-"

"She didn't cope with Harris. You should've seen that and you didn't, but if you let her go knowing that she was carrying Vickers' baby then I will never forgive you."

"It's not his. I would have killed him Fin, and if I'd known about Harris I would have killed him too." He curled his fist in an attempt to control his anger. "And I should have been there," he shook his head. He should have been there. He finally understood her reaction to him, asking him to stay away.

"I know that Tom wasn't on the scene-"

"How do you know?" he asked, hoping he could keep his secret.

"He was in Asia with work for three months."

"Background check?" Elliot asked.

Fin nodded.

"Me too."

"What the hell happened to you two man?" Fin asked, searching for answers.

"I messed up." Elliot admitted, and he'd never been more honest.

"Are you gonna be there for the kid?" Fin spoke slowly.

Elliot wondered when the penny dropped and he realised that the baby was Elliot's.

"She doesn't want me there...and I don't blame her."

"How are you going to make this right?"

"By doing what she asked me to do. By staying away."

**

Olivia looked in the mirror. She'd only been in the restroom a few minutes before. She wondered what she'd find this time when she left after seeing the two men in her life beating the living hell out of each other the last time. She stopped as she saw a young man standing alone looking lost.

"Hi, can I help you?" she asked softly.

"Uh...I don't know." He raised his hand to his head, obviously distressed.

"I'm Olivia, what's your name?"

"Martin."

"Okay Martin, do you want to go somewhere and talk?" she asked softly.

He looked at her. He didn't move.

"Martin?"

"I'm...I wanted to make a statement."

"Has someone hurt you?" she asked gently, placing a hand on his arm struggling to keep his gaze.

Tears filled his eyes. "I...I can't," he backed away.

She followed him.

"Martin, wait, I can help you-" she reached out for him, trying to calm him.

"Get off me!" he lashed out angrily, roughly pushing her away from him. She fell backwards, unable to steady herself. She cried out as she fell, hitting the side her stomach on her desk before she hit the floor hard. Martin had long gone. She slowly grasped her stomach, overwhelmed by the pain she felt.

_Not my baby, not my baby._

She struggled to sit up, terrified as she felt something wet between her legs. She reached down, horrified to see a thick red substance. Her heart stopped. Millions of thoughts ran through her head.

"No..." she gasped, struggling to stay awake. Her head was throbbing. Panic overwhelmed her completely. "Elliot..." she needed him. She needed him to come and hold her, comfort her and tell her that it would be okay, maybe not even as the father of her child but as her partner.

"Olivia-" John froze as he saw her on the ground. "I need a bus!" he yelled at the top of his lungs running toward her. He gently sat her up as she struggled to catch her breath.

Cragen ran out of his office. "What happened?" he asked, crouching on the opposite side of Munch.

"Don..." she struggled not to sob. "The baby," she grasped his hand as John rang for a bus.

"You're going to be fine. You and the baby."

"I'm bleeding," she told him.

She saw his eyes widen as he struggled not to react.

"I can't...I can't lose my baby," a tear slipped down her cheek. She winced as pain washed over her.

"You're not going to lose anything. Look at me," he told her sternly. "You're not losing anything. That baby in there is going to be a big part of my life. You think I'm going to let anything happen to it?" he asked.

She breathed in and out deeply.

"Where's that bus?" he asked, looking up at Munch.

**

Olivia was wheeled into the hospital by the paramedics, closely followed by Cragen. He looked up as Holly ran through the doors. She stopped as she saw Cragen. They both shared a glance as she ran forward. The paramedics placed Olivia in a small side room. Holly ran towards her.

"Hey," she gently kissed Olivia on the forehead. "You okay?" she asked.

Olivia nodded as tears filled her eyes.

"Listen, you're going to be fine, I promise you. Both of you," she placed her hand on Olivia's stomach.

"I can't...I can't..." she couldn't finish her sentence, the thought of losing her baby nearly killed her.

"Detective Benson, we're going to do an ultrasound to check to make sure everything is okay with the baby," a young nurse walked in with the machine.

She nodded.

Holly gently kissed the top of Liv's head again, trying to hide her fear.

"You've been bleeding?" the nurse asked.

Olivia nodded.

"Okay, we'll do this to check on the baby. If you've had a trauma to the stomach it's not unlikely to have bleeding. It doesn't mean the baby isn't okay. Try not to panic." As she spoke she put the cool gel on Olivia's stomach.

Holly squeezed her hand.

**

Elliot walked into the squad room after speaking to Fin for nearly an hour. Fin followed and sat at his desk.

"Where is everyone?" he asked Munch who was sitting at his desk.

"Uh...at the hospital..." he knew Elliot was going to hit the roof. Even if he and Olivia hadn't been speaking for whatever reason, he knew that Elliot wouldn't be able to stop being Olivia's partner.

**

Olivia watched closely as the nurse searched for the baby. She bit her lip as she gripped Holly's hand even tighter. She thought about what she would do if her child was hurt or worse...the thought crushed her. She had taken so long to get used to being pregnant, to get over Elliot and accept that she was going to be a mother. It had only been the past few months that she had embraced it and began to truly love her child - to feel whole again knowing that she would be mother. The thought of losing that was more than she could bear. She heard a soft beating as the baby appeared on the screen. Tears filled her eyes as she saw her baby and heard its heart beating. She heard Holly suppress a sob and knew she was equally relieved.

"That's a strong heartbeat. I'm going to have a look around to check to make sure everything is okay."

Olivia could barely hear her she was so engaged with the picture on the screen. She'd seen her baby before, but this time...it looked so real, not a little peanut, not a blob, a real baby. She felt as if someone had filled her with hope. "...so you're 28 weeks, not too long to go now."

Olivia looked up as she heard the last few words.

"Everything looks okay. I want to an internal exam just to double check, and I want you to stay here overnight so I can monitor you."

As she spoke Olivia nodded.

"Would you like to know the sex?"

"No, no..."

"Are you sure?" Holly asked softy.

Olivia nodded.

"You know, that's a beautiful baby," Holly smiled trying to hold back the tears that threatened to spill over. She had been so frightened when Munch had called her. She knew how much Olivia loved the baby after such a struggle. And after just a few months, she felt closer to Olivia than she had anyone else. The thought of Olivia in any more pain physically hurt her. She gently kissed her friend on the side of her head again. "You okay?" she asked.

Olivia nodded, still looking at the screen. That was her beautiful baby.

**

Elliot looked up as Cragen walked back into the office. He'd been fighting the urge to go to the hospital, terrified she would turn him away.

"She's fine son. So is the baby. They're going to keep her there overnight," he smiled softly.

Elliot felt his heart finally start to beat again. He'd been so scared for Olivia and the baby. He didn't want to think about what could have happened. He found himself alone in the locker room again, this time thinking about when he'd walked away from her when she had first told him. He convinced himself that he deserved whatever fate threw his way, but not her. She didn't deserve to lose her chance of happiness. She didn't deserve any of the horrific things that had happened to her. He shuddered thinking about what must have happened to her while she was undercover, matched with the torture Vickers made her endure, and finally the way that he had treated her. No wonder she'd left him. Self-preservation.

He had prayed, alone in the darkened room, that Olivia wouldn't suffer anymore. He knew that she was strong - it was something he loved about her, but this would be too much after everything else she had already been through. Losing the baby she wanted so much would kill her. He struggled not to think about the fact that it was already killing him. When she said she was staying he was relieved, happy that he would get to be close to her, even from a distance. He hadn't thought about the fact that he would have to watch Tom playing happy family with his partner and her child. Watching them together nearly broke his heart, but he knew it was better than not being near her at all.

He slowly looked up realising Cragen was looking for a reply.

"Where's the kid that pushed her? I've been looking around, but I can't find anything - don't recognise the kid."

"Well he can come back to us if he needs help, when he's ready-"

"Help? I'm arresting him for assault."

"Elliot-"

"I saw the tape. He pushed her," he stated, ignoring the pleading looks from his CO.

"He was scared. She told me exactly what happened."

"She's pregnant."

"He didn't intend to hurt her," Cragen cocked his head slightly. "What's going on with you two Elliot? I thought you would be at her side quicker than anybody else."

"Things change," he sighed, searching for information on the man who had assaulted the woman who was carrying his child.

"Elliot, when partners go through a severe trauma together they react in two different ways, you either cling to each other or you push each other away," he told him softly, moving so

that he could face him. "You and Olivia were together for a very long time, and I don't know exactly what you went through with that bastard, but this isn't you."

Elliot looked up to meet his gaze.

"She needed her partner."

"Don, too much has happened now. Even if I wanted to go and see her..." he shook his head. "Our partnership was over long before Vickers. She knows it and so do I."

"Doesn't mean you stop caring about her." Cragen walked into his office leaving Elliot alone.

He was doing what she wanted him to do. He couldn't start doubting it now. It hurt too much.

**

Holly watched as Olivia slept peacefully. Tom ran in.

"Ssshhh!" she stood up, ushering him outside. "She's fine okay, but she needs rest." She saw the panic drain from his face.

"I got here as soon as I could," he told her out of breath.

She nodded. "She's going to be here overnight. They want to make sure the baby is stable."

"But it's going to be okay?"

"They think so." She gave him a reassuring smile.

"What happened? I swear to God if he touched her-" he clenched his fists.

"Wait, who?"

"Stabler," he didn't even want to say his name.

"She told me about you two. What were you thinking?" she asked, not even willing to address his accusation. "You think she wants you and him kicking the crap out of each other like cavemen?" she asked trying not to raise her voice.

"I can't stand the guy."

"You don't have to, you just have to leave him alone," she warned him. "Liv won't react kindly to you hurting him." As she spoke she saw the bruise along the side of his jaw. "And she

doesn't need to hate him anymore because he's hurt you."

"But she doesn't hate him, does she?" he asked looking at the woman he loved as she slept.

"Don't do this. Don't play the jealous guy."

"He still has a hold over her, and the longer she's here the stronger his hold is." He shook his head, fighting the urge to punch something.

"She cares for you, and she's told him to stay away. She would never invite you into her life if she didn't intend on staying with you, especially not with the baby." She placed her hand on his shoulder. "Listen to me, you can't do this every time he's on the scene. He's not going away. He's probably always going to be around. No matter where you are, his name will come up when her colleagues visit her," she sighed. "She chose you, Tom, and he is going to have to live with the fact that you're bringing up his baby. You've got everything that he wants. I'm not going to stand up for him, but this has to be hard for him too, so you need to give him a break."

"Let him hit me?" he shook his head, finding it harder and harder to accept Elliot Stabler being around his girlfriend.

"No. No, that won't happen again, trust me. But you need to accept that he's been a big part of her life."

"I just...I don't want her to be hurt again, so I don't want him near her."

"You can't decide that, but she already has. She's asked him to stay away from her and she's told him that you're going to be raising the baby, and he has to deal with that. So you just leave him alone, because I will not let you two play up this macho crap. She doesn't need it, and you'll be the one who ends up hurting her."

"I would never-"

"Then stop this. Go and be with her. I don't want to have this conversation again, okay?" she asked him.

"I love her," he spoke softly.

She nodded. "I know, and you are going to make a great dad. Don't ruin it."

She watched as he walked in and sat next to Olivia.

**

Hours later, Elliot slowly made his way down the dark corridor toward Olivia's room. She was alone. She looked so peaceful, lying with her hand placed on her stomach. He hadn't taken the time to just look at her since she'd fallen asleep on him after they had slept together. She had looked so peaceful, so at ease. He'd fought with himself about whether or not he should come to the hospital. Eventually he realised that it was where he was supposed to be. Every time he had woken up after being hurt, she had been there - next to him, or at the door if Kathy was there. He just wanted to see her - to know that she was okay. Even after Cragen had told him she was okay, he needed to see it for himself.

He promised himself that this would be the last time that he would see her. He'd asked Cragen for some leave. He needed to find a new apartment and get settled in, but more importantly he couldn't cope with watching Olivia... Olivia who was carrying his child...playing happy family with the man Elliot feared would never be good enough for her or the baby. He knew that he, himself, was no way good enough, and he'd only proved that by treating her the way he did - by missing the signs of her distress after she had been undercover, and for being a lousy friend. He took one last look at her before turning and walking away - for good.

**

Elliot sat in his empty apartment. There were boxes everywhere. He had no idea how long he'd been sitting alone - no idea when it had become dark outside. He was wallowing. All he'd thought about was Olivia. He guessed that this is what she'd been through when she left - the pain; the way that his heart ached when he thought about her. He'd been off of work for two days and had done nothing in the apartment. Nothing was unwrapped. The boxes were unopened. He needed to get a grip. He looked up as he heard a gentle knock on the door. He sighed and pulled open the door, shocked to see Olivia. She didn't say anything. She stood there, frozen for a long moment before slowly walking in.

"How uh-"

"Cragen told me," she answered nervously.

"I was going to ask how you were," he admitted. His heart was beating hard and fast.

"Okay," she nodded, biting her lip. "I uh, I just wanted to check to see that you were okay," she admitted.

"You're supposed to be in bed. Sit down." He moved the boxes off of the sofa.

She sat down, keeping her jacket on. There were a few moments of silence before she looked up.

"What happened?" she asked softly, looking around the empty apartment.

"It wasn't fair on anyone, me staying there," he told her. He didn't know what to say to her. He'd just convinced himself that he was never going to see her again, and there she was, sitting on his sofa.

"I'm sorry." She didn't know what else to say. She'd convinced herself it was a good idea to come and see him, but now she felt guilty for confusing him, asking him to stay away only to go to him when he did what she asked. "I should go-" she was about to get up.

"I told her," he said quickly.

She turned to him.

"She knows what happened."

"She threw you out?" she asked quietly, scared to talk about it.

"Uh...no I left. She knew...we tried to move on but uh...you know..." He didn't finish his sentence.

"I..."

"You don't have to say anything, It's not your problem." He looked up at her. "Why are you here Liv?" he asked, unable to sit next to her without reaching for her.

"I...I don't know. I know I asked you to stay away, but I...I was worried about you. Cragen told me that you'd asked him for time off and...I can go back to Indiana, if it's me..."

"Liv, you can't ask me to stay away and do this to me. Do you have any idea how hard this is?" he asked her.

She looked at him. "I know it's hard. I just...I..."

"You should go. Tom will be wondering where you are." He stood up, walking toward the window.

She watched as he struggled to stand straight. He was hurting as much as she was.

She stood up and walked toward him.

"Elliot," she reached out and placed her hand on his arm. He pulled away as if he'd just been burned. She pulled away, "I'm sorry," she told him. "I shouldn't have-"

She was about to walk away when she felt his arms around her. He held her tightly like he'd wanted to for months - like he should have done when she first told him about the baby. She gently placed her hands on his sides and her fingers curled around his T-shirt. He brought his hand up to the back of her neck, pulling her even closer to him. He felt her slowly start to shake. She clung tightly to him as she sobbed.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered as he kissed the top of her head, "It's okay." He spoke the words he'd been meaning to speak for months.

She felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off of her shoulders as she openly cried in his arms. He held her close, afraid to let go - afraid that she would hate him all over again as soon as her tears dried up. She cried, knowing that no matter how hard she tried, she would ever be able to really hate him, to push him out of her life...out of her heart.

**

After what seemed like hours her tears had dried but she hadn't let go of him, and he still held her closely. His heart stopped as he felt her pull away. She looked up at him, seeing the fear in his eyes. She slowly leaned toward him. He didn't move when her lips pressed against his. She gently pressed her palm against his cheek. She needed him. How could she have been fooling herself for so long, telling herself that she was over him? How could she ever be over someone she loved so much?

He brought his hand up to her face, cupping her cheek as he deepened the kiss.

**Squeeeeeeeeeee!!! He he!! So what do you think??? You know the drill, please review and let me know what you think, next chapter coming soon! X**


	14. Chapter 14

Olivia stiffened as his strong arms pulled her closer to him. She had no idea how long she had been awake. How was she supposed to sleep? He shifted in his sleep next to her, naked after making love to her. She'd never been more confused in her life. She knew when he had reached for her and pulled her toward the bedroom that it was wrong. She should have made her excuses and refused his touch, his kiss, his seeking hands. She should have, but she didn't and she lay in bed thinking about why she hadn't, feeling more confused than ever before. She felt her baby move inside of her, and a twinge of guilt ran through her as she thought about the mess she had made. His breathing became lighter and she knew he was waking up. She closed her eyes - afraid to face him, frightened of his reaction and of her own. His grip loosened and she felt a soft kiss on her cheek.

"I love you."

Her heart physically ached as she heard him speak. He did love her. She knew that he loved her and she had betrayed him. Tom was a good man, and not only did she betray him, she then got back into bed with him, playing the dutiful girlfriend. She hadn't meant to kiss Elliot and as soon as her head caught up with her body she pulled away, her hand on her lips as if she'd said something she shouldn't have. He'd tried to stop her as she backed away reaching for the door, eyes wild with confusion. She'd pulled away as he tried to apologise - that's right, he apologised because she had kissed him?

She'd seen the hurt in his face as she walked away from him, unable to speak, unable to hear his desperate words above the voice inside her head screaming at her for being so God damned stupid. She had asked him to stay away, and he did. That should have been the end of the story. Why did she go to him? Why did she kiss him? Eventually after hours of berating herself for hurting him and Tom, she began to remember that she'd hurt herself. Kissing the man who had broken her heart and hurt her more than she'd ever been hurt in her life. How could she go back to him after everything he'd done to her?

She'd often watched as women returned to unhealthy relationships - relationships that had them on edge, relationships that made them question if they really deserved to be loved, eventually accepting that they deserved to be treated the way that they were being treated. The women who loved their men so much they would put up with twenty bad days just to get that one good day, as if that made all the tears worthwhile. It was self-destructive. It was like asking to be hurt all over again. It was madness. She had never thought she'd be that woman. She had promised herself that she would keep herself away from him - for her own good. The hold he had over her was too strong, and the way he had treated her was unforgivable...so why did she forgive him? Why did she take one look at him and want to touch him? Why did she feel like she was betraying him by making love to her boyfriend, a man who adored her?

The way that Elliot had treated her had made her question herself constantly, and for a while her self-esteem had dropped. She knew that Elliot was hurting, but she couldn't give him the chance to hurt her again. She knew he was a good man, a very good man, and she knew that he hadn't meant to hurt her – this just made him even more dangerous. Knowing that if he could help it he would never hurt her just convinced her that it could happen again at anytime, and she wouldn't allow him to break her again. She slowly opened her eyes and turned to Tom.

"I love you too."

**

Elliot was lying in bed staring at the ceiling. Everything was still in boxes. He hadn't had any time to unpack. He was too busy thinking about Olivia's lips on his, her hands on his face, his neck and chest. It took him a while to accept that she was kissing him, to get himself together and kiss her back - at which point she pulled away. He felt like the air had been sucked from his lungs. He needed her to be close to him, but he could see the look of confusion on her face. He'd tried to get her to stay but she shook her head leaving as quickly as she could.

He'd spent the whole night trying to figure out if he should ring her, or just turn up. No, he couldn't just turn up, the...boyfriend would be there and he'd have to hit him again, just for being there. He couldn't pretend that it hadn't happened, not when he wanted her so much, not when she was carrying his child.

He had hated himself as he held her when she cried, knowing the tears were because of him. Feeling her sobbing against him, he had struggled not to join her. How could he have ever treated her so badly? How could she have forgiven him? He didn't want to question it. He wished he hadn't kissed her back - that he'd gently told her that it was a bad idea, at least while she was still with Tom. She had looked so tiny, so vulnerable, and despite being nearly seven months pregnant she looked like she had actually lost weight. She felt so small as he held her, praying to God that he'd been given a second chance.

He promised himself that he wouldn't push her, but he wouldn't stay away either. He knew that she would push him away if he was too forceful but he needed to talk to her, at least to check to see that she was okay. Thinking that she hated him, he promised himself that he would leave her alone. After today he realised she was doing what she did best, self-preservation. Staying away from him was her way of protecting herself. He shook his head as he thought about how much he must have hurt her, the same way he felt when Holly had described her crying over him. He would never forgive himself, but he needed to see if there was even a chance that he could be in her life again, even as a friend.

**

Hours later when Tom had finally gone to work, she'd acted like nothing was wrong. Nothing was wrong. Hormones took over and she had made a mistake, but now she was going to fix it. She struggled not to think of how it felt to have her lips on Elliot's yet again. It had made her feel so alive. The baby had kicked like crazy as if it knew that mommy was kissing daddy. She shook her head; she couldn't do this to herself again. She wouldn't. She looked up as she heard a gentle knock on the door. She got up slowly, praying that Elliot wasn't on the other side. She pulled open the door and suddenly wished it had been Elliot.

"Uh...can I come in?" Kathy spoke softly.

Olivia took a few moments to react, wondering if Kathy had come to gain retribution. Kathy walked in slowly. She turned her gaze to Olivia's stomach and struggled not to break down there and then.

"Kathy..." Olivia didn't know what to say. She shut the front door and turned to face the wife of the man she whose child she was carrying. Both women stood silently, neither one looking at each other.

"When are you due?" Kathy asked.

Olivia's eyes widened. It wasn't the question she was expecting.

_"Why did you sleep with my husband?"_ would have been more appropriate.

"Uh..." the words wouldn't come out. She felt an overwhelming sense of guilt. Why was this woman not attempting to scratch her eyes out? Olivia had felt badly about sleeping with a married man, of course, but now being in front of the woman herself made her feel terrible. She shuddered as she realised that less than 12 hours ago she had been kissing this woman's husband...ex husband.

"I know that you're wondering why I'm here," Kathy spoke softly. "And I uh, I'm not here to argue. What you did was unforgivable..." she shook her head as she trailed off.

"I'm-"

"It doesn't matter that you're sorry, I uh, I've heard all the details from Elliot, and I've tried to tell myself that it was because you were both scared... I trusted you," tears filled her eyes.

Olivia bit her lip, struggling to control the tears that threatened to appear. She had no right to cry. Her actions had hurt the woman in front of her so much. She knew she would have to face her eventually, and now it was time to face the music.

"I promised myself I wouldn't do this but I...I came to you to talk to you about my marriage. You convinced me to stay, why? Why if you were in love with him?"

"I'm not-"

"Olivia, you wouldn't have touched him if you weren't. I know that much about you. I just...I don't understand. I need you to tell me how it happened-" tears were now freely flowing down her face.

"Kathy," Olivia swallowed the lump that was in her throat, "I am sorry, and it never should have happened and I'm sorry," she repeated. "In different circumstances it never would have happened...it's not an excuse, there is no excuse." She shook her head, "I don't know what to say," she admitted.

Kathy looked up at her.

"I didn't come here to find out why it happened; I came here to ask you not to stop Elliot from seeing the baby."

Olivia's head shot up.

"He doesn't deserve it. You know it will kill him," she spoke softly. Kathy wasn't sure why she was fighting in Elliot's corner, but she knew that he didn't deserve to be locked out of his child's life, even if he had cheated on her.

"Kathy-"

"No, I know what he did...I know he hurt you, but he loves his children - all of them. You lied to him, and that's something I won't forgive you for, when he thought you'd had the abortion he was devastated. Then you come back and tell him that he can't have anything to do with the baby? You don't have that right, Olivia. No matter how it happened, he is the father of your child," her voice shook slightly. She finally looked Olivia right in the eye. "He's stayed away because he feels guilty about how he treated you, and he won't say this to you but I will. You can't keep his child from him. You can't punish him for being scared. You know that he's a good man."

Olivia placed her hand over her stomach.

"I'm not trying to punish him, I was trying to protect...I thought if I stayed away he could forget and get on with his life."

"Olivia, he'll never be able to forget you. We both know that he'll never let you go. Even if you weren't pregnant, if you hadn't slept together..." she shook her head, "I love him, and I can't stand to see him hurting. I know that you love him too."

"I don't-"

"Olivia, you don't have to lie to me. You're pregnant with my husband's baby. You could at least be honest with me. Because if you don't love him, then you broke up a family for no reason."

The words hit Olivia like a brick. She broke up his family.

"I know how you feel about him, even if you won't admit it. I uh, I should go, but you need to think about how you're going to feel in 10 years time when your child asks where its daddy is. You can pretend all you like, but there's no way that you're not going to see Elliot when you look at your baby. You're hurting him and the baby, and whether you'll admit it or not you're hurting yourself too. You don't have to admit that you love him - it's not about you two, it's about the baby."

"Kathy...I'm sorry."

"I know," she said softly as she walked toward the door. "Our marriage was over a long time ago, Olivia. You didn't break up our family, we did. Don't make the same mistake."

As the door shut Olivia finally allowed the tears to fall. A mixture of guilt and confusion overwhelmed her. What was she going to do? She heard a gentle rap on the door, wondering if Kathy had changed her mind and decided that Olivia deserved a slap. She opened the door and saw Holly.

She walked in with bags in her hand.

Olivia turned away to try and hide the tears.

"You really need to stop buying the whole store when you come over here," Liv smiled trying to sound happy, "Do you need help?"

"Oh no, you should be in bed lady," Holly pulled away and put the bags on the side. "Why aren't you in bed?" she asked.

Olivia turned to her.

Holly frowned and walked over to her. "Hey, what's going on? What's the matter?" she asked softly.

"Everything is such a mess..." she sobbed as her friend wrapped her arms around her.

**

Hours later Holly was frowning at the latest episode of Judge Judy as Olivia exited the bathroom.

"He's suing her because she told her friends he had a small penis – emotional damage! Emotional damage? Come on, man up!" she yelled at the TV.

Olivia cocked her head to the side, wondering if her friend had lost the plot.

"I work hard – I'm allowed a bit of downtime," she told her friend.

"Judge Judy? You count that as downtime?" Olivia sat next to her.

"Don't judge me," Holly warned. She placed her hand on Olivia's bump. "Hey kid, how you doing in there?" she called. She looked up at Olivia. "What about you, mommy?"

Olivia gave her a weak smile.

"You feeling better? I have a good mind to find that Kathy woman and slap her around," Holly admitted.

"She's right though. How can I tell Elliot that he can't have anything to do with his own child?"

"Liv, are you going to be able to separate him and the baby from him and you?" Holly asked softly. "Can you have him in your life?"

"I don't have a choice. I thought I did, but I don't. I can't keep him away from his baby. I can't do it. It's not fair, and I'll have to put my feelings aside...I love Tom and I'm lucky to have him-"

"But you kissed Elliot..." Holly was so proud that she hadn't over reacted when Olivia told her about the kiss, but she needed to make sure Olivia knew what she was doing.

"I know, it's not going to happen again. I won't let it, and he has to accept that...so do I."

"So you're really going to do this?"

"I need to talk to Tom, but yes, it's the right thing to do for everyone." As she made her decision she felt the fear building up in her stomach. Kathy had been right and finally made her realise that she couldn't punish Elliot by using the baby against him. It hadn't been her intention, but it was what she had been doing. She knew Tom wouldn't he happy, but she had to try and make this work. She knew it would be hard and she'd have to face a few demons, but it was the right thing for her baby and she had promised herself and her child that she would do anything she could to give her child the happy childhood that she had craved. She just hoped Tom would understand.

She needed to make Elliot understand too. She loved him, yes, but she couldn't face being hurt again. She wouldn't tell him this. She would be very matter of fact and tell him that he could be as big a part of her baby's life as he wanted to be, but he'd need to understand boundaries. She would have to deal with being around him and she'd have to accept that he was going to be around. Maybe they could get back to the relationship they used to have, before Gitano, before she left and before they slept together?

**

"I can't do it."

Tom's last words echoed in her head as she lay alone in her suddenly large bed. Her hand rested on her stomach she stroked as she was comforting the baby who had been moving around all night. She understood why Tom had had to walk away, but she had really expected him to stay. She hadn't really thought it through properly when she spoke to him, and as his face dropped she realised it wasn't going to work. He'd given her an ultimatum as he struggled to hold himself together. Him or Elliot. She had simply told him that she loved him, and that Elliot wouldn't take his place - that the baby would simply have three loving parents, but she could see that it wasn't working. She then told him that as much as she wanted to, she couldn't force Elliot to stay away, and that it wasn't fair to anyone.

It wasn't until hours after he'd left that the realisation hit her. She'd broken his heart. Of course she loved him and she cried, but she finally understood how easy it was to accidentally break someone, so she cried again. He'd told her that he would call her in a few days to see if she had changed her mind, and if not, she would never hear from him again.

She missed Tom already - his smell still on the pillows. He was a good man and she had managed to hurt him. She'd kissed another man while she was with him - something she never got around to telling him. She couldn't do it no matter how hard she tried, and wondered how Elliot had been strong enough to confess to Kathy. She was scared about being single, but she had to let Elliot know straight away that they were simply parents - not lovers, not partners and, at the moment, not even friends. She didn't want Tom to think that she wanted to be with Elliot. She didn't even know if she wanted to tell Elliot at all anymore, knowing that if he was in her life, Tom wouldn't be. She needed some time, just her and the baby, to figure out exactly what it was that she wanted.

**Thank you to everyone who's following, please keep reviewing you guys rock! I promis there'll be more E/O interaction next chapter xx**


	15. Chapter 15

**Sorry this update has taken a while, hoping to get the next one up tomorrow! X Thank you in advanced and thank you for the great reviews so far! X**

The latest case was really getting to him, a murdered mother and a missing infant. He was working himself into the ground trying to find the baby and convince everyone that he was still alive. The murderer had taken the baby from the womb. There was every chance that the tiny little boy was dead, but Elliot couldn't accept it - not without proof.

Nightmares had stopped him from sleeping for two long nights and he was exhausted. He kept dreaming that Olivia was the victim, and that their...her baby was the one that was missing; the thought of either happening nearly killed him. He wanted to call her, just to check that she was okay, like he used to do with Kathy who he now called every night anyway to check on the kids. He visited every second night and the kids actually saw him more than they used to when he lived at home, as they'd usually be asleep by the time he got home.

Kathy had been great, not that he was surprised. They had sat down together and told the kids what was going on and about Olivia. Kathy maintained that she wasn't angry and asked the kids to feel the same. Only Lizzie and Dickie were talking to him. Lizzie had taken a few weeks to start talking to him again. After her father had promised that he would never leave them, she couldn't believe that he was gone. Maureen and Kathleen still refused to speak to him. It hurt, but he had to face the consequences of his actions and pray that his girls would forgive him. He was thankful that Eli was too young to look at him with any hint of hatred.

He hadn't called Olivia no matter how often he thought about her - no matter how often a case made him worry about her and his unborn child. It had been two weeks since he had kissed her, since he'd felt her stomach against his, since he'd felt her hands on his face, on his chest, since she'd walked away from him. He knew that she would need to make the next step, so he'd dial but never press the call button, each time convincing himself that if he chased her she would run a mile.

"Elliot," he was shaken from his thoughts by Cragen. "Olivia has been working from home on the Vickers case. She thinks she has something. Can you follow a lead?"

"Captain-"

"I know you're looking for the baby, so Olivia's going to come in-"

"She's supposed to be resting," he told him a little too quickly.

"She's going to be sitting on a chair looking through old phone records, and I'll be out here with her. She won't be alone," Cragen told him, trying to reassure the younger man.

Elliot nodded, turning away. Every day he felt stronger and stronger feelings towards the child that Olivia was carrying - something he'd battled with as he reminded himself that Olivia was with Tom and that they were raising the baby...his baby together. She didn't want him around and after the way he had treated her he didn't know if he had the right to fight for his rights. He'd promised he would stay away, but even ignoring his confusion over his feelings for Olivia, he was starting to seriously doubt that he would be able to carry on his normal everyday life knowing that he was missing out on the precious moments of his child's life. At least with Kathy, if he had missed something he would find out when he got home. Just yesterday Eli had told him for the first time that he loved him and he felt like his heart would explode, simply from the amount of love he felt for the little boy. The thought of missing those moments with the baby that Olivia was carrying was almost too much to bear.

Olivia brushed her hand across her stomach, trying to calm the active baby inside of her. She'd agreed to come in so that Elliot could chase a lead on another potential victim of Vickers. In turn she would help him with a case that he was working on. She'd always been horrified by attacks on pregnant women, but now it seemed so much more personal. The doors of the elevator opened and she walked toward the office where only weeks ago she'd been terrified of losing her child.

"Liv, you're early. Going stir crazy?" Cragen asked as he gave her a warm smile.

"You know me too well," she returned the smile. She turned around seeing Elliot at his desk. He gave her a quick nod and she gave him a soft smile in return.

"How's the bump?" Cragen asked, seeking permission to touch her enlarged stomach.

"Active - seems like the second I rest it wants to play,"

"I want you to take it easy today. If anyone comes in send them to me or Fin."

"Did you look for Martin?" she asked, worried about the young man who had seemed so desperate when he spoke to her. She wasn't angry at him for pushing her, only at herself for trying to reach for him when he was so obviously traumatised.

"No, Munch has been trying to follow some leads but he hasn't been back. We'll keep looking," he assured her.

She nodded as he walked towards his office.

"Hey," she walked slowly toward Elliot.

He turned around and stood up.

"How are you feeling?" he asked softly. She noticed the slight hesitation in his voice. Was he nervous?

"Good. I've been resting. You know I'm no good at that, but uh, I guess it had to be done."

"And you think you're ready to come back to work?" he gestured to her stomach, not sure if she would be annoyed at him for asking.

"It's only going to be for a few hours El," she suddenly looked up. It was the first time she had called him El since she'd been back and it felt right. She could see that he had noticed it too. "Uh, I found two cases that were similar to Vickers-"

"Liv..." he started. He wanted to say so many things to her. As she stood in front of him, pregnant with his child - a child she had no intention of letting him see, his heart felt heavy, full of the words he was desperate to speak. He was desperate to beg her to let him see his child, to let him back into her life, to speak to him the way she used to, to look at him the way she used to, to trust him again.

"Elliot," she spoke softly, using his full name on purpose. "Do you have any leads on the baby?"

"No," he sighed. He didn't want her on this case. He didn't want her on any case. He wanted her at home with her feet up looking after herself and his child.

"You think he's still alive?"

"I don't know why, but I do. The way that the murder happened - she wasn't raped, there's no reason to harm the baby. If anything, it seems like she was killed for the baby."

"Someone that wants a baby but can't have one? At least that means the baby is safe?"

"If I'm right," he sighed. Was he second guessing himself?

"When did you last sleep Elliot? You look exhausted," she didn't mean it as an insult but his eyes were heavy and he hadn't shaved for a few days.

"The longer the baby is without medical attention the more likely it is that he won't make it."

"We'll find him."

"We...look, I know you want to help but look at what happened last time-"

"Elliot I'm fine. I'm not going to sit at home for the next few months, this is my job."

"And you're boyfriend isn't going to have a problem with that?" he asked, trying not to sound to bitter.

She looked at him. Now really wasn't the time to tell him that Tom had moved out. She would talk to him later on when he was a little bit calmer and not as tired. She knew that he would be pushing himself to the limit to find the missing baby, and he didn't need any extra stress on top.

"I'm not going to push myself, I'm just...I want to help," she admitted. This had been the first conversation they'd had since she'd told him that she was pregnant, the first conversation where she hadn't cried during or after, the first conversation that made her think maybe they could get back to how it used to be.

"Just uh...just be careful," he spoke softly.

She nodded in agreement, appreciating his concern.

"So two cases similar to Vickers?" he asked. She nodded, ready to tell him everything that she'd found.

**

She'd been sitting looking through phone records for hours, calling every number on the list to see if anyone had noticed anything different about Sarah Isles before she was murdered, whether there had been anyone different hanging around. She sighed as she hung up the phone. She wanted to be out there looking for the infant, often dwelling on what she would do if her own child was missing, constantly pressing her fingers into her stomach to feel the baby, to reassure herself that it was safe.

"Hello," the voice on the other end of the phone was abrupt.

"Uh hi-" she stopped as she heard the sound of a new born baby crying in the background,

"Whatever your selling I'm not buying," the phone call ended quickly. Olivia was about to redial when she heard a soft voice.

"Excuse me, Detective Benson?" the young woman walked towards her, "My name is Susan, we spoke on the phone a few hours ago. Can we talk? I..." she struggled to compose herself as tears filled her eyes.

**

A few moments later they were sitting in an interview room. Susan was wiping her eyes.

"I'm sorry I just...I can't believe she's gone." As she spoke Olivia gave her a sympathetic smile. "Sarah was...she was thinking about not having the baby, when she first found out she was pregnant."

"Really? Was there any particular reason?"

"She uh, she fell in love with a guy at work. He was married," the words made Olivia's heart skip a beat. "He left her when he found out about the baby, something about his family...he wasn't so bothered when he was sleeping with her," she mumbled.

Olivia nodded, there was a time when she would have been ed with this man's actions, but the events of the past 7 months made her hold back from judging.

"She was devastated. She cried for months on end. Didn't eat, didn't sleep, she was going to have an abortion. We all talked to her, and although I wasn't sure that it was right thing, she didn't want him in her life anymore."

"What changed?" Olivia asked, trying not to remember the nights that she had cried herself to sleep.

"Uh, she went to the clinic and a nurse there convinced her to keep the baby."

"What?" Olivia frowned, confused by what she had heard.

"And she uh, she started visiting her at home. I thought it was sweet to start with, but then she started ordering her around, telling her what to eat, what to do...it was starting to get a little strange, so Sarah asked her to stop coming around."

"When was this?"

"A few weeks ago."

"Okay, do you remember what the nurse's name was?"

"Brenda. I can't remember her second name. Do you think... do you think the baby is dead?"

"We hope not, and we're going to do everything we can okay?" She placed her hand over the younger woman's.

**

Olivia dialed the last number that she had called, wondering if her hunch was right.

"Hello?" the voice was calmer and there was no baby in the background.

"Hi Karen it's Julia-"

"Uh, sorry you have the wrong number," the voice on the other end was soft and well spoken.

"Oh uh, sorry you aren't Karen?"

"No, sorry it's Brenda."

"Oh, okay I'm sorry to have bothered you." She hung up and immediately redialed Elliot's number. No response. She looked up as Fin walked into the office. "Fin, I have a lead in the baby case, wanna come with?"

"Come with? Tell me where it is and I'll go-" he didn't want her putting herself at risk - not to mention, Elliot would kick his ass.

"Fin, I'm coming. It's fine, I could be wrong I just want to talk to her."

"Liv-"

"I'll go on my own," she told him, knowing he wouldn't allow it.

He sighed, knowing that Elliot was going to be angry at him. He didn't want anything to happen to her, so he was going to be there to stand in front of her while she asked any questions she needed to ask.

**

Elliot put the phone to his ear to hear the voicemail.

"Hey, uh, it's me. We have a lead, it's a long story but we're on our way to..." as he wrote down the details he reminded himself to yell at her for doing what he'd asked her not to do.

**

He slammed the car door and walked toward the house. The front door swung open.

"I love him! She didn't love him!" was all he could hear. Soon he saw Fin pulling a handcuffed woman towards the car.

"Where's Olivia?" Elliot asked running into the house. He pushed open the front door only to stand frozen as she smiled at him. In her arms was the tiny little boy that he had been so desperate to save. "Is he okay?" he asked softly, struggling to accept that this story had a happy ending.

"He's perfect. You were right - Brenda wanted a baby so she befriended Sarah." She spoke softly, gazing at the baby sleeping in her arms.

Elliot walked over slowly. He looked at the woman in front of him, gazing so lovingly at the baby.

"You uh, you're going to be an amazing mother," he bit back the lump in his throat. Their eyes met. She suddenly felt overwhelmed. How had she gotten so comfortable with him again?

"Thank you. We should get this little guy checked out," she, too, swallowed the lump in her throat, unable to say any more as tears threatened to appear. How could they both have hurt each other so much? She looked down at the sleeping baby. He was so innocent, much like her child would be. She looked from the baby to Elliot, wondering if it was wrong that being with him in these circumstances felt so right.

**

Elliot watched as the tiny baby boy lay in a little cot. He was awake now and squirming around. Looking at the tiny baby, he thought about his own child. He struggled to leave the newborn alone, wondering what would happen to him now that his mother was gone, what he would turn into, who he would become. He couldn't do this with his own child, he just couldn't.

"Hey," he heard her soft voice as she approached. "How is he?"

"He's in perfect health, we're just waiting for child services to get here. Did Fin get a confession?" he asked.

She nodded, turning her attention to the little boy. "He's so innocent, you'd never know that he'd been through so much." She turned to Elliot.

"He's going to be okay. The worst is over now," he sighed, wishing the same was true for him. He turned his attention to the infant in front of him as he began to cry. "Hey...hey, hey little guy what's going on?" he asked softly, looking around to see if anyone would mind him picking up the child.

Olivia smiled as she heard him speaking tenderly, picking the baby up and holding him close, soothing him softly as he rocked him from side to side. "You're gonna be just fine aren't you?" He wished the same could be said for him and Olivia.

**

Hours later and baby Oliver was with his grandmother. She'd asked Olivia's name and promptly informed her that she would name the baby after her as a thanks for finding him. Olivia felt a huge sense of relief knowing that the little boy would grow up with the love and compassion of his grandmother - that he wouldn't be another child in the system. She sighed and sat down in the hospital corridor, exhausted from the day's work.

"You feeling okay?" Elliot asked, appearing from around the corner.

"I'm fine, just a little tired. It's been a long day," she told him, reaching up and rubbing the back of her shoulder.

"You uh, you got a good result but...you should have listened to Cragen. You can't keep putting yourself in danger Olivia, not anymore," he spoke softly, waiting for her to get mad at him.

"I know," her voice was so quiet he almost didn't hear it. "But this case...the baby...I couldn't risk not finding him. It just..." she trailed off.

"Too close to home?" he suggested, sitting next to her.

She nodded. "I wanted to save him because I was thinking about our baby, and what I'd do if it was him or her out there, without either of us." The words hit him like a brick - our baby.

She placed her hand on her stomach. "Tom's gone," she spoke slowly. She hadn't intended to tell him this way, but he had to know.

"I'm sorry." He wasn't sorry that the guy was gone, he was sorry that she was hurting.

"No you're not. He was amazing. I could have had everything I needed. We both could have," she looked down at her stomach.

"So what happened?"

"I walked away from him so that you could have a chance with this baby. I realised it wasn't fair and that it wasn't right."

Her words hit him hard. He was going to be in his baby's life?

"I'm uh, I'm staying in Manhattan. I want you to be a part of his or her life - if that's what you want?"

"I do...I do...more than anything."

"We need to work out a few things and really sit down and figure out how this is going to work."

"I'll do anything," he told her. "The thought of not being there...it nearly killed me."

"I know," she whispered. She wouldn't allow him to break her like he had before. She was stronger now. She was doing the right thing, but she wouldn't let herself get too close to him again. "Don't mess it up."

She got up slowly and walked away, leaving him stunned. He sat there for a while thinking about the massive step Olivia had taken, and what she had done - giving up her happiness for his sake. He wanted to do the right thing and tell her to fight for Tom, to fight for happiness, but he just couldn't do it. He wouldn't give up on their baby, just like Olivia hadn't given up on him.

**Thank you for reading, please let me know what you think. So far they're on the right track to mending the relationship, but as always things never run that smoothly do they...Xx**


	16. Chapter 16

**Thank you for the reviews so far everyone, thought I'd update this one nice and quickly for you!! Xx**

Olivia sat alone in the 1-6 comparing two case files that could link to Vickers, she'd been sat there for hours trying to find any link to Vickers, although she thought the nightmares had subsided she'd woken up shaking and sweating the night before.

"You're supposed to be taking it easy," Cragen's soft voice told her.

"I couldn't sleep; I just wanted to go through a few more things here-"she couldn't tell him that she'd some in because she was afraid to be in her apartment alone after nightmares about Vickers taking her child.

"When the baby comes you'll be cursing yourself for not sleeping now," he sat next to her, "Is everything okay?" he asked, genuinely concerned for the younger woman.

She sighed and nodded. "I'm just trying to figure out a few things," she told him, when she hadn't been thinking about Vickers she'd been sat thinking about exactly how large a role Elliot would play in her child's life, and the fact that she could no longer run away no matter how much he hurt her.

"What sort of things?" he asked.

She looked at him, wondering if he knew how comforting it was to have him to talk to again.

"I think you already know," she nodded, placing her hand on her stomach. She'd suspected that he knew that Elliot was the father of her baby ever since she returned, at first she suspected it was paranoia but now she knew that he knew.

"Does he know?" he asked, "Of course he does, why else would he be beating the hell out of your boyfriend in the middle of the office," he sighed.

"How long have you known?"

"For sure? Since then, but I had an idea before."

"And you didn't say anything?"

"What did you want me to do? Bang your heads together?" he asked, "I figured you'd tell me when the time was right,"

She nodded. "What if it's never right?" she asked, "What if we spend our whole lives constantly trying to hurt each other?"

He looked at her, sympathy pouring towards her.

"I don't know if I can do it, I...I don't know if I can do it again," she told him, tears threatening to appear at anytime. "He just...he doesn't think and I can't be the one he yells at anymore...What if I'm not strong enough to make this work?"

"Then we'll work at it together."

She wiped her eyes as she heard Elliot's voice.

"I'll give you two some time," Cragen walked away leaving them alone.

Elliot pulled his chair next to her and sat down, he saw the lost look on her face and put his hand over hers.

"I have...I have always taken you for granted," he told her.

She didn't respond.

"I uh, I didn't realise how badly I treated you until you left, and I know towards the end it was...unbearable and I'll...I'll never be able to make up for the way I was... but it wasn't always bad was it?" he asked softly.

She lifted her head to meet his gaze, shaking her head slightly, neither one of them used to her being so vulnerable.

"We can go back to that, I've been thinking about it...and I know we can do it,"

"What if we can't? I can't keep doing this Elliot, you can't keep using me as your punch bag when things don't go right,"

"And you can't keep running away," his words hit her and she looked away, knowing he was right. "I guess we both have a lot of changing to do."

**

Eight days later Olivia sat in her apartment waiting for Holly, she'd barely spoken to her friend in the past week as she had travelled back to Indiana for work and she couldn't wait to see her again. She'd never been close to any other women in this way, she spent her whole adult life surrounded by men, but Holly had surprised her, she loved spending time with her and had missed her a lot while she'd been away. She knew that the decision to stay in Manhattan meant she would only see Holly once every few months, as much as it saddened her she knew that it was the right thing to do.

She heard the soft knock on the door and pulled open the door, she stopped as she saw Lizzie Stabler stood nervously waiting to come in.

"Uh, Lizzie-" Liv started, she knew that she would have to face Elliot's children sooner or later but she had hoped it would be later.

"Can I come in?" Lizzie spoke quietly, the 15 year old was trying to hide her nerves and walked in as Olivia moved out of the way of the door, "I uh, I don't even know why I'm here," she admitted, "I wanted to come here and yell at you..."

"Lizzie, I don't think that-"

"I want to be mad at you, I really want to be mad at you, but I just can't. I just want to know that you didn't plan this, tell me you didn't do this on purpose," she pleaded with the woman in front of her.

"Lizzie, I promise you...I would never...I promise you. I would never want to hurt you or your family, and I'm so sorry about everything-"

"Are you...are you staying here now?" she asked softly, unable to admit that she wanted her to stay as much for herself as for her father. As much as she hated her actions, she loved Olivia.

"I'm staying, but if you feel uncomfortable with that...if it's a problem then you can tell me,"

"It's not, I...I want to be around, you're going to need baby sitters right?" Lizzie glanced at Olivia's stomach, "My dad wants us to be a part of the baby's life."

"You don't have to do that if you're not comfortable Lizzie and you're dad shouldn't make you-"

"No he's right. The baby is my brother or sister, and I didn't know how I'd feel about it being here and seeing you, but my dad is right, it's not the baby's fault."

Olivia stared at young woman before her, she was so grown up, being so mature. Olivia had expected tears and tantrums, all of which she deserved but the young girl before her had more than surprised her.

"You can't leave again, when it was just you it was different but you can't take my brother or sister,"

"I'd never just leave, I can promise you that," she hadn't thought very much about the fact that her baby would have brothers and sisters, it was overwhelming and comforting at the same time. She knew her baby would never be alone, she or he would have five older siblings, but the baby would also get special time alone, was her baby going to have the best of both worlds? It seemed too good to be true.

She looked at Lizzie, knowing that she was a great big sister and would be equally as great for her baby. The thought of sharing the baby with Elliot was enough to scare her, now the thought of sharing him or her with five other children made her wonder if she would get to spend any time with her baby at all? Things were moving quickly and she was suddenly gaining five step siblings for her unborn baby. She knew that it was the best thing for her baby, but she was starting to worry that the ideal life she'd been dreaming of wasn't going to as simple as she thought.

**

Three hours later, Lizzie had left and Holly still hadn't arrived. She'd called her a few times and had no reply, she was supposed to be taking her to the hospital for her final scan before the baby was born. She was already running late, so she had to go. She did what she had been putting off for hours and pressed the call button on her phone.

"Um...Fin..." she started.

**

Olivia looked up, shocked to see Elliot instead of Fin who she'd rung and asked to join her. She wanted to ask Elliot but she'd already asked and he said no. He'd told her that he thought it would be better if it was just her and Holly, unsure if it would be to strange for them all to be in the room at the same time, as much as he wanted to see his baby the last thing Olivia needed was Holly and Elliot making things uncomfortable. Calling Fin and asking him to come with her was something that shocked her, but he was the only person that she could think of asking. She didn't want to be alone, terrified that something would be wrong with the baby, knowing that she wouldn't cope alone if that was the case.

"Fin called me," Elliot spoke softly,

"I would have called you but I didn't want to make you feel like you had to-"

"No, no I wanted to come I just didn't want to step on anyone's toes," he told her, she nodded, thankful to him for being so thoughtful and relieved that he did actually want to be there, when he'd declined she was worried that he just wasn't that bothered, something which confused her. Honesty was working wonders for them both.

"I uh, I wanted you here but I couldn't just ask Holly not to-"

"No, I know, it's okay. She's a good friend, did you hear from her?" he asked casually, knowing she was worried.

"No, she probably got caught up at work, she would usually call though..." she trailed off, wondering if she should be a bit more worried about her friend.

"Olivia Benson?"

Her heart skipped a beat as her name was called. She turned to Elliot,

"This is..."

"This is the way it should have been last time," he finished her sentence before she could say wrong or strange. He followed her in as she walked into the small room.

**

Olivia bit her lip nervously, the last scan she'd had was filled with tears and dread, praying that the baby was okay. Now she felt the same fear, doubting that she was capable of providing a safe haven for her baby. Having Elliot by her side was a completely new feeling, it felt wrong and right at the same time. She had built up such a wall, frightened to let him in in case he stomped all over her again but suddenly as she'd pulled up her oversized shirt the walls came crumbling down. He was at her side, about to see the child whose very existence had caused them both more pain than she thought possible.

Her breathe caught in her throat as the nurse put the cold gel on her stomach,

"Sorry, it's cold," the nurse spoke softly, "How have you been since last time, no more bleeding? No more pain?"

"No everything has been okay,"

"And have you been taking it easy?" she asked.

Olivia was about to nod when Elliot cleared his throat, she turned to him.

"More so than usual yes," she answered turning away from Elliot.

"Okay let's get this started," the young nurse ran the ultrasound wand across Olivia's enlarged stomach, spreading the gel around.

Elliot swallowed the lump in his throat as he heard the soft heartbeat of his child, he focussed on the screen and immediately saw the baby. He suddenly felt very overwhelmed, so much had happened between him and the woman next to him he didn't ever think that he would see his child and here it was in front of him. Hearing the soothing beat of his child's heart was like music to his ears.

Olivia bit her lip every time she saw her baby it ware exhilarating, seeing her beautiful child even on the screen made so proud, she couldn't wait to meet her baby. She looked up at the nurse as she began to speak softly,

"There it is," she smiled as the view became clearer. "You're baby is sucking it's thumb," the words seemed to overwhelm both Olivia and Elliot as tears filler her eyes and he reached for her hand. Olivia had spent the past few months telling herself that things could still go wrong, after the last scare she was terrified that she would lose her baby. She tightened her grasp of Elliot's hand, so glad that he was by her side.

"It's beautiful, that's our baby," Elliot whispered, leaning across placing a soft kiss on Olivia's forehead. She pulled him closer to her, keeping him close leaning into his chest as they both stared at the screen. All barriers and memories of tears banished in the presence of their child.

"Our baby..." a single tear slipped down her cheek, "That's our baby El," she whispered, unable to swallow the lump in her throat, overwhelmed to see her baby and have Elliot at her side. "And it's okay?"

"You're baby is in perfect health," the words seemed to lift a ton off of her shoulders.

Elliot kissed her forehead again, relieved to hear that the baby was okay, he turned his attention to the screen.

"One last chance to learn the sex?" the nurse offered.

Elliot glanced at Olivia, still holding her hand.

"Do you...do you want to know?" she asked him, knowing that she didn't want to but she wasn't the only one involved now, it was a choice they both had to make.

"You wanna wait?" he asked.

She didn't answer, just turned her attention back to the screen.

"We're going to wait," he told the nurse, "We're going to wait until we meet him or her,"

"Only 7 more weeks to go, you should be taking it easy, relax as much as you can because you guys are going to be so tired when this little one comes. Congratulations, you have a beautiful healthy baby there," she smiled.

Elliot and Olivia simply stared at the screen, holding each other closely.

**

Hours later Olivia lay on her sofa looking at the sonogram picture. Although the picture wasn't clear she could've sworn the baby had her nose, Elliot had pointed it out and she agreed. They both had a copy, hers the first in her collection, his the sixth. She had no idea how long she'd been staring at the picture, no idea how long ago Elliot had left. He'd given her a lift home and they'd spoken like they used to years ago, before Gitano and before Vickers. Her feelings for him hadn't changed, she'd lived with loving him for years, this was no different.

Seeing the baby with him was so overwhelming but it felt so right, even if it hadn't been his baby she knew that he would have been by her side, supporting her. She knew that he would be a brilliant father to her baby and she couldn't wait for her pregnancy to be over, she just wanted to hold her baby.

She was shaken from her thought by the buzzing of her phone,

"Benson,"

"Liv, it's Fin," her friend sounded worried, she sat up slightly.

"Uh, Liv we found Holly's car," he spoke slowly.

Her hand travelled to her swelling stomach.

"There are traces of blood..." his words all jumbled into one as Olivia struggled to grasp what Fin was telling her. Her friend was missing and there were traces of blood in her abandoned vehicle in the middle of nowhere.

She'd grabbed her keys and got to the station as quickly as she could, Elliot met her as she practically ran through the doors.

"Hey, hey calm down, it's going to be okay," he enveloped her in his arms. There was a time when she would have pushed him away, scared of looking like a girl in front of her male colleagues but she needed him now, pregnancy had turned her into an emotional wreck, she'd been shaking since she heard the news and she needed him now, she needed him. She clung to him as he whispered; telling her it was going to be okay, convincing her that Holly was okay. As she listened to his words of comfort Detective Benson crept back into her, and fear began to consume her, fear that her friend needed her, fear that she was scared and alone, fear that she was hurt or worse...

**I loved writing the ultrasound scene, I love Liv/El ness!! X**


	17. Chapter 17

Olivia sat staring at the report in front of her, it had been six hours long days since Holly's car had been found and her fellow detectives were working flat out to find her. Cragen refused to let her take part in the investigation, with only seven weeks until she was due to give birth she knew that she would be a liability to the team and as desperate as she was to find her friend she knew that he was right.

Elliot had promised her that he would find her friend and she believed him, she believed that he would try as hard as he could, but she also knew how often she had worked her hardest on a case and still ended up with a bad result. The report in her hand told her that the blood found in the abandoned car was Holly's. There wasn't much of it, but it suggested a struggle.

Just a few hours ago she was on cloud nine, watching her baby with Elliot at her side, she'd felt like she and Elliot had so nearly reached the great partnership that they used to have again and it felt so natural, the baby had complicated things but it was as if things had simply slipped back to the way they used to be, and she was so happy. But the memories of happiness had faded away as she sat wondering if she would ever see her friend again.

She knew that the baby could sense her distress, it had been uneasy since Holly's car had been found. It was so amazing how the baby would react to her every mood. She placed her hand over her stomach, stroking softly to try and calm the baby.

"You should go home," Elliot walked towards her.

"Anything?" she asked, he had been following a potential lead which had lead to nothing.

He shook his head.

She nodded, sighing at the same time, her heart heavy.

"Liv, you need to go we're going to work through the night there's nothing you can do here-"

"I can't Elliot," she snapped at him. She closed her eyes as she took a deep breath, "I'm sorry, but I can't go home, not while she's still out there," she looked up at him, hoping that he understood.

"You need to think of the baby," he told her softly.

She struggled not to tell him to back off, this was the difficult part about inviting him into her baby's life. She was used to doing everything alone, all her life she had made decisions for herself and herself only. She'd only just got used to the idea of making decisions for two people and suddenly Elliot was back in her life and they would be sharing the decision making. She knew that if he had told her this as her partner, if the baby wasn't his, that she would have appreciated his words. She needed to accept that he had every right to talk about their baby, to have an opinion on her actions and how they affected her child. She realised very quickly that he wasn't being out of order, he was right and she knew it.

Again, she stroked her stomach trying to calm the baby. She knew that she should go home but she knew that she wouldn't sleep, she needed to be somewhere that she could help if she needed to. She was utterly exhausted, as much from the pregnancy as the worry about Holly.

"I'm going to go for a lie down okay, but I don't want to go home," she told him softly, utterly exhausted.

He nodded and watched as she walked away, still finding it hard to believe that they were getting back on track. His feelings for her didn't overwhelm him like they did when she wasn't around and he realised he'd been living with his feelings for years. He was as worried for Holly as she was, knowing how good a friend she'd been to Olivia, he'd promised the mother of his child that he would find Holly and that's what he intended to do, constantly convincing himself that she was okay.

Elliot picked up his phone as it rang,

"Fin..." he listened intently for a few moments before hanging up.

"We've got her," he announced.

**

Olivia walked down the long hospital corridor with Elliot by her side, the fact that they were in a hospital gave her hope. They don't bring dead people to the ER, that was the mantra that had been swirling around in her head since they had got into the car.

"Is she okay?" she asked Munch who had travelled to the hospital from the crime scene, "Munch,"

"She's getting checked out, bastard beat the hell out of her but she's going to fine," he smiled softly as he finished seeing Olivia give a huge sigh of relief, placing both hands on her stomach.

"What happened? Where is she?" she asked, trying to compose herself. Her hands were shaking, she placed them on her stomach as her heart rate slowed down, she'd been o scared on the way to the hospital.

"It looks like a carjacking gone wrong, she had a fractured skull, broken ribs,"

"Where is she?" Liv asked softly, she just wanted to see her friend.

**

She'd never seen her friend looking so pale, she had a large bruise along her cheek bone, bruises all over her body, she was sat up talking to Fin. Olivia struggled not to burst into tears there and then, so relieved that her friend was alive, having seen so many times how it could have ended fatally. Fin gave Olivia a soft smile as he exited the room, she turned to her friend.

"Hey, no tears I'm fine," Holly told her friend tears filling her own eyes, she struggled to compose herself as Olivia approached her taking her hand as she sat in the chair. "No upsetting my beautiful neice or nephew," she whispered as a tear slipped down her cheek,

"It's okay," Olivia stood up, gently enveloping her friend in her arms as she began to sob. She gently kissed Holly on the forehead, "You're safe now, you're safe," she whispered as her friend clung to her.

**

Elliot sat patiently outside the hospital room, Fin had left as soon as he got Holly's statement to try and find the bastard who had attacked Holly. He'd sat waiting to give Olivia a lift home knowing that she would be exhausted, he looked up as she exited Holly's room,

"How is she?" he asked,

"Pretty shaken up, I said I would stay the night," before she could finish she saw the expression on his face change. "What's wrong?" she asked, cocking her head to the side.

"Liv, you're nearly 9 months pregnant, you think sleeping in a hospital chair is a good idea?" he asked, trying not to sound to patronising.

"She needs me," she told him, a slight hint of agitation in her voice.

"I know, and I understand but you need to think about what's best for you right now, and this isn't it."

"Says who? Says you? Pregnant women have done much worse than sleep on chairs Elliot-"

"Not women who've been told to take it easy, you heard what the doctor said, you've been under enough stress today-"

"I'm staying," she told him, looking him straight in the eye.

He stared back, wondering if she was aware how stubborn she was being

"What and that's it? I don't get a say in it?" he asked, shaking his head.

"You had your say-"

"Yeah but did you listen? This is for your own good, for the good of the baby-"

"I know what's good for my baby," she spat, a little louder than intended. She knew the emphasis on the word "my" was a mistake but didn't correct herself, annoyed at him for trying to tell her what to do.

"Is this what it's going to be like when the baby's born? You just do whatever the hell you want, screw whatever I think?" his mind was screaming for him to stop, remembering what had happened the last time he yelled at her.

"Guess you don't like it when the shoes on the other foot," she spoke through gritted teeth.

He raised his eyebrows,

"Oh, I do whatever I want? I've been walking on eggshells around you for months, worried that if I say the wrong thing you'll leave again, so don't tell me I've been doing what I want-" he was getting angry, and angry wasn't good.

"You can't just come here and tell me what to do Elliot, I'm a grown woman-"

"You're carrying my baby-"

"And I'm paying for it," she spat again, turning away from him.

"You and me both!" he yelled, struggling to control his shaking hands. "You think that you can do this when the baby's born? It won't work, we'll fight all the time is that what you want?" he asked,

"You can't just waltz in and expect me to do whatever the hell you want Elliot it doesn't work like that,"

"So what? I can't have an opinion about how my own child is raised? Is that what you're saying? Cause if it is what was the point telling me that you wanted me to be a part of the baby's life? That will actually include making decision about things, what school, what church-"

"Church?" she looked up, this was all moving too quickly, he was right she hadn't thought co parenting through, she couldn't cope with him walking in whenever he wanted undermining her, "You're right, it won't work, this won't work," she shook her head, wondering why she had ever thought it would work with Elliot involved in her child's life.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I'm not willing for it to be like this when the baby's born, this was...this was a nice idea but it won't work, we can't stay civil long enough-"

"Olivia, this is all because I'm looking out for you-"

"No! You're telling me what to do, I'm a grown woman! I can't deal with this every time I make a decision, you and I...we don't work, this won't work, and I can't do it,"

"No, no you can't do this-"

"When Holly is better I'm moving back to Indiana with her," the words almost fell out of her mouth, not quite sure what she was saying until it was said. "You can come and visit but this..." she held her hand out, moving it from herself to him, "This won't work, I'm sorry Elliot-"

"You can't do this, this is my baby too, you can't throw me out again-"

"I'm not doing this to our child, we barely survive each round, think of how the baby would feel?"

"No, no you're not doing this, think about it you won't cope alone-" he regretted the words as soon as he spoke them,

"I uh, I think we should uh, contact lawyers..." her mind was working on over drive, was this really what she wanted? It didn't matter she wouldn't allow her baby to witness the damage that she and Elliot could do to each other and this was the only way, "...arrange specific times,"

"Olivia," his fists were closed, nails digging into his skin. "Don't do this, you can't keep doing this, you can't keep using my baby as an emotional pawn, you want to hurt me you can god damned do it yourself! Is that what it is? You're big plan all along? Hurt me the way I hurt you cause that's sick!" he yelled, anger filling his voice, he knew he would piss her off but he couldn't keep doing it, keep biting his tongue when she was putting his baby in danger.

"How dare you..." she raised her hand to her head, "Okay, you know what I'm sorry, I'm sorry that I thought that we could do this, I'm sorry I thought that we could get on for longer than a few weeks, I'm sorry that I thought that things would be different this time, but this is it, it's my decision, and this is my final decision, I'm going back to Indiana. You can kick and scream all you like but you know it's for the best, we tear each other apart and I'm not going to let us do it to our child,"

"You're really doing this?" he asked, struggling to squash the tinges of hatred he was beginning to feel, how could she keep doing this to him, it was so cruel and she knew it.

"My lawyer will be in touch," she'd never said those words in her life and they felt so foreign to her but she knew it was the only way that she could cope with having him in her life, through a third person.

She walked away leaving him speechless.

His heart was racing, he wanted to grab her, yell at her, make her see what she was doing, he knew that she was serious, he knew that she was going to leave, taking his baby with her. He angrily slammed the palm of his hand against the nearest wall, struggling to contain the urge to punch something. Didn't she know that she was breaking his heart?

**

She was so angry, but that anger had finally made her realise that she and Elliot would only hurt their baby if they were together, it was impossible not to. She'd been so stupid to think it could work, yes Elliot had been walking on eggshells but she shouldn't have knows it couldn't last forever. She pushed open her apartment door, keen to shower and get back to the hospital as soon as possible. She felt like a horrible person, knowing that she should have just stuck to her original choice, she should never have offered Elliot the chance to be involved with the baby, how could she have been so stupid and now she was single handily responsible for the hurt they were no doubt both feeling.

She didn't want to hurt him, but her child came first. She sat on the sofa trying to remember exactly what it was that started the argument, wondering why she was so cruel to the only man she had ever truly loved. Was he really being that much of a bastard? She thought so at the time. Now...now she wondered if her hormones had finally kicked in, that was a reason to be irrational right?

How could she expect him to just accept that she would be moving away? It was completely unreasonable, and she didn't want to move to Indiana, she liked Manhattan, and she wanted Elliot to be a part of the baby's life. What the hell was she doing?She'd already decided long ago that Elliot had every right to be in his child's life and she had no right to change her mind now,

"Damn it," she sighed as she reached for her phone, she sighed as his phone went strait to voicemail, praying that he wasn't beating the crap out of a wall or worse, "El...I'm...I'm sorry, I don't know what happened I uh...call me okay?" her voice was so quiet she wondered if he's hear it, she put down the phone chastising herself for being such a bitch, something she'd never been that good at before, apparently she'd now perfected the art.

She looked up as she thought she heard a noise in her bedroom, shaking her head when she realised she was being paranoid, she stood up and took her coat off, placing her phone on the side table, walking towards the bathroom.

A chill ran down her spine as she heard the voice she thought she'd only ever hear again in her nightmares,

"My, my, my Olivia, haven't you grown?"

**Thank you to everyone who's read this, still can't quite believe how well recieved this has been, please continue to review, I'm hoping to update after a get some more feedback X**


	18. Chapter 18

**So is anyone else going crazy wondering if there's going to another season of our beloved SVU? I am!! I'm praying for just one more season where they can actually resolve E/O rather than ignore it *pouts* Thank you for the reviews so far, please keep them coming.**

**Mariposa, beautiful friendship in the making! Enjoy hun X**

Elliot listened intently to the voicemail for the third time, wondering if he was ready to call her back yet.

"El...I'm...I'm sorry, I don't know what happened I, uh...call me okay?" she sounded so vulnerable, yet he hadn't called her back, still angry at her for constantly changing her mind about the role that he would play in his child's life. He knew that she was frightened, and it frightened him too but he wouldn't let her do this to him anymore, he left his phone on the side as he walked towards the bathroom deciding that he would call her when he had showered and calmed down.

**

An hour later he decided he needed to talk to her face to face, stood outside her apartment he raised his hand to knock, he stopped. What if she was still angry at him? He didn't want to fight with her, fighting would only lead to more tears, more drastic decisions, he shook his head, he wouldn't keep running away every time she pushed him, between the two of them running away was becoming too much of a habit. He gently knocked on the door and sighed with relief when he heard it open,

"Elliot,"

He was surprised to see Holly, she was stood in her pyjamas and had obviously struggled to get to the door,

"Uh, how are you feeling? Shouldn't you still be in hospital?" he asked as she opened the door and allowed him to walk in to the apartment,

"Can't stand those places, I discharged myself," she told him, grasping her ribs as she walked towards the sofa.

He was about to ask her if that was a good idea, knowing how badly she'd been beaten but he changed his mind, the last time he'd been alone with Holly she'd damn near killed him with words alone.

"Is uh, is Olivia here?" he asked looking around the apartment,

"No she's not...I uh, I actually thought she was with you?" Holly gave him a confused glance, "I guess she needed some time to herself, she'd a had a lot going on, I guess I didn't help."

"Hey don't, it's not your fault. How are you feeling?" he asked sympathetically, he never thought that he would be able to talk to the woman without wanting to cuff her to the nearest moving van, now however he felt sorry for her.

"I'm fine, I'm uh, I'm fine," he could see that she wasn't,

"Uh I'm going to wait for Liv, you want a cup of tea or something?"

"Oh, uh, a coffee would be great if you don't mind?" she asked, wishing she had been a little nicer to him the times they had spoken before. Olivia was right, he had a good heart.

**

"I'm sorry," Holly suddenly looked up from her coffee, "I uh, I was a pretty big bitch last time we spoke, I was just trying to protect Olivia, I hope you can understand that?" she asked, a little quieter than she had intended.

"I wasn't exactly a ray of sunshine, so don't worry about it," he looked at his watch, he had only been waiting 20 minutes but something didn't feel right, he'd already heard from Fin and Munch, they hadn't seen her.

"You're worried?" Holly asked, trying to hide her own worry, "I mean, I know she's a big girl, but how many places are there for a heavily pregnant women to go?" she asked trying to lighten the mood, "I uh, I've tried to call her and her phone's off, should we be worried?" she asked softly,

"No, no she's fine, we uh, we had an argument, I think she's clearing her head,"

"Wait, you had an argument?" she frowned, "About what?"

"It's a long story,"

"Did you upset her?"

"No, I didn't upset her, we...we upset each other,"

"What is it with you two? Olivia? I can understand, she has hormones rushing around her body, she's insecure, she's frightened, what's your excuse?" she asked, resisting the urge to slap Elliot in the back of the head.

He was about to defend himself when his phone started buzzing in his pocket, he looked at the screen,

"It's from Liv," he told Holly, knowing that she was worried,

_Meet me in an hour? Outside my apartment? We need to talk, alone._

"Is she okay?"

"She's okay, she wants to talk,"

"You think you can manage that?" Holly sighed,

"Look I know you're looking out for Liv, but we need to get along, for her sake and ours,"

"I know, I know I'm sorry I just, I don't want her to get hurt again," she mentally kicked herself, great move apologising for being a bitch then returning to bitch mode.

"I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure that doesn't happen, I promise,"

**

Olivia watched as Vickers put down her phone on the side, grinning as he turned to her.

"He'll be here soon," he spoke slowly, never breaking his stare.

She refused to answer knowing that he was simply trying to torture her, trying to gage a reaction. The dark cellar she was being held in stank of urine, and she was wondering who had been held there before her. She refused to grasp her stomach, refused to show any fear, any vulnerability. He had pointed a gun at her stomach in her apartment and told her to move, she could have fought but she couldn't risk him hurting the baby so she did what he ordered her to do.

He had walked her down to the basement of her building, somewhere that she'd never known about, it was abandoned and she knew that no one would find her. She'd been brave, she knew any ounce of humanity she showed would be used against her. So she sat with her hands tied, on the ground, refusing to look him in the eye.

"How long is the silent treatment going to last Olivia? I'm starting to feel a little neglected,"

"You got away with it, you got away with everything and you're doing this? Why?" she asked him, not attempting to hide the venom in her voice, she was right he could have walked away and live the rest of his life but abducting her, a police officer, he would never get away with it a second time.

"Because I could, you just made it too easy,"

"What?" she asked, shaking her head,

"You were all so worried about your little friend,"

Her head shot up,

"You hadn't figured out it was me? Oh, I'm sorry I know how much you like your detective work," he laughed. "I just needed something to distract you all, so I could make my move,"

"You son of a bitch-"

"Oh come on Olivia, I didn't kill her," he smiled, "I just wanted to see you again, you should be flattered, so when are you due?" he smiled staring at her stomach, she bit her lip struggling not to panic now that his attention was aimed at her baby,

"What are you going to do to me?" she asked, struggling to calm her shaking voice,

"It depends on Elliot,"

"Don't do this," she whispered, finally breaking, hanging her head,

"I can do whatever I choose to, I don't want to hurt you Olivia," he sank to his knees, placing his hand on her cheek, "But there are a few things we need to clear up, you me and Elliot,"

She shook her head, tears filling her eyes,

"Don't cry, don't cry Olivia, I promise either you or Elliot is going to walk out of here, it's just down to you to decide which one gets carried out," he told her, stroking her face as the first tear fell.

"No..."

"You can decide, you or him, I thought you'd chose to save yourself and you're little baby,"

"Don't do this," she begged, unable to even fathom the thought of losing Elliot, if she wasn't pregnant there would be no contest, she would have told him to spare Elliot right away.

Vickers was doing what he did best, torturing her from the inside out. The look on her face sent shivers down her spine,

"You know what we can talk about this when Elliot gets here, I'd hate for him to miss out on all the fun,"

"You can go now, you can just leave, you can end this before you do something that you won't get away with-"she knew that appealing to his better side was pointless, but she had to try everything

"Olivia, I've been watching you for months, waiting for the perfect chance, why would I give it up? The plan was to kill your boyfriend but he left, lucky boy."

Her breath hitched in her throat, suddenly relieved that Tom had left when he had, unable to shift the guilt, knowing that he would have been killed because of her.

"Guess he had a lucky escape huh? I just wonder what happened with him, with your boyfriend?" he asked, "You must've done something pretty awful to him for him to walk out on you, especially while you're having his baby."

She bit her lip, almost relieved that he hadn't realised Elliot was the father, she knew he would have been thrilled and had too much to use against both her and Elliot, perhaps even hurt the baby to hurt them both.

"Maybe he found out about your little indiscretion with Elliot, that was uh, very entertaining to watch," his sinister grin making her stomach sink, "very passionate,"

She closed her eyes, refusing to give him any reaction, waves of nausea running through her. He'd seen it, she always knew that he had but to hear him talk about it was so degrading, humiliating, terrifying.

"How long have you two had feelings for each other? Was that the first time Olivia? Was it you're first time with him? I mean the way you just clung to him, the way he kissed you..."

"Stop it," she spoke through gritted teeth,

"What it was beautiful, really it was, I mean...I almost wish I'd had a go," he moved forwards, running his fingers along her cheek, she turned her face away, "Maybe now..." he moved his hand along her neck towards her heaving chest as she struggled to contain her fear.

**

An hour later Elliot was waiting outside Olivia's apartment after finally calling a truce with Holly, he'd made the decision to be completely honest with Olivia, to tell her exactly how much the baby meant to him and how much it would kill him to lose the baby. He wasn't going to tell her that the thought of losing her was as bad as losing the baby, he wouldn't tell her that whenever he wasn't around her he ached to see hear her voice, to see her smile, she didn't want that from him and he would just have to accept it.

He looked at his watch, freezing as he felt a cold butt of a gun against his forehead.

"Come with me quietly or Olivia is dead," Vickers told him calmly.

His stomach lurched, as he swallowed the lump in his throat, Vickers grabbed his ram and pulled him towards the stairs leading to the basement, praying that Olivia and the baby were okay.

**

He was thrown into the basement, no words spoken as the door slammed behind him.

"Liv," he ran to her, she was sat against the wall, hands tied, a large bruise forming on her cheek.

"Elliot," she struggled not to cry as he untied her, wrapping his arms around her. She clung to him, resting her head on his shoulder, "I'm sorry," she told him, "I'm sorry,"

"You have nothing to be sorry for, did he hurt you? Did he hurt you?" he asked, placing his hand gently over her bruised cheek,

"Just a slap, I'm fine, listen he's going to try to break us but we...we can't," she told him, shaking her head.

"We know what to expect this time, listen to me I'm not going to let him hurt you, either of you,"

"He thinks the baby is Tom's," she whispered, scared that Vickers would hear even though he wasn't in the room.

"Good, good," he looked around trying to think of any way out. "We're going to get out of this okay,"

"All of us," she told him.

He looked up at her,

"Sure,"

"No Elliot, all of us all three of us, no heroics and i mean it this time, I need you," she told him. "Everything I said before? I didn't mean it, we need you, I could...I couldn't do this alone, and I won't, promise me that I won't have to," she told him.

He shook his head, refusing to lie to her.

"Elliot...he's going to make us chose again-"

"Liv I'm not going to let him hurt you," he would never let anyone hurt her again, he'd already promised himself that when she came back into his life. There was no way in hell he was going to let Vickers hurt her, he would do anything to prevent it.

"We just do what we did last time," she was beginning to sound like she was begging.

"And if he shoots you this time?" he asked, almost angrily, "I'm going to do whatever I can to get you out of here,"

"Not if it includes you not getting out of here, there has to be a way," she stopped as she felt a sharp pain in her stomach, she grasped it, rubbing softly, she had to calm down the baby was starting to react to her panic, she looked at Elliot as he looked for a way out as she secretly promised her baby that she wouldn't let anything happen to it's daddy.

**

Hours later and Vickers hadn't returned, Elliot had long since given up trying to find a way out and not so long since she had shouted at him for refusing to promise that he wouldn't put himself at risk to protect her, neither one of them willing to back down, both determined to protect each other and their baby.

"There's something I need to say," he spoke softly.

She turned to him, her hand still over her stomach.

"Before...before you left, before all of this, I was...a bad friend, a bad partner,"

"Elliot-"

"No, please, I uh...I let you down and I'm sorry and I...wish that you would have talked to me,"

"About what?"

"About Harris," the name sent a shiver down her spine.

She said nothing.

"Liv..." he spoke so softly it was almost comforting,

"I can't," she barely whispered, tears filling her eyes.

His heart sank,

"I...I wish you could have told me,"

She bit her lip as a tear slipped down her cheek.

"I was so scared," she was surprised by her own admission.

"I'm sorry," he gently slipped his fingers between hers,

"It just...it wouldn't go away, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't think...and I...I still see his face, I let him do it to me and I just couldn't forgive myself,"

"Forgive yourself..." he shook his head, wishing Harris was in front of him, so that he could kick the living crap out of him and make him suffer the way he had made the woman next to him suffer, "No, no Liv, you can't think that way,"

"I know, I uh, I lost it...I held my gun to an innocent man's head and I was going to kill him, he pushed me and I was...I was back in the basement," she shuddered, "I knew I needed help and I...I got it, but sometimes..." she looked up at him, "It will never go away," she admitted, "But this baby...this baby has given me an escape,"

He tightened his grip on her hand,

"So there it is," she took a deep breath wondering if he now found her as repulsive as she had once found herself,

"I would've killed him," he whispered.

She nodded, knowing it was true.

"And if I had known then I would never have been such a bastard, I'm so sorry."

"You didn't know, I don't think I even knew how much it affected me until we were so far apart..."

"Did you...did you tell Moss?" he asked, unsure of exactly why he was asking,

"He...he wanted to know why we weren't...why I wouldn't spend the night after...I just couldn't tell him, it was easier to end it," she admitted.

His heart stopped, he had been the first man that she had been intimate with since being sexually assaulted? After the way he had treated her he thought he would never hate himself more, he was wrong.

"You weren't...I'm a bastard," he wiped his free hand across his face, "You go through that, then we...and I treat you like that...Liv, if we make it out of here-"

"We're making it," she told him without a hint of doubt in her voice.

"I promise I will never ever hurt you again, tell me you believe me," he was on his knees facing her, "This baby, it means everything to me but you...you mean-"

The door opened without warning and Vickers walked in,

"I'm sorry was I interrupting round two?" he smiled looking at them both, "So have you guys had time to think about which one of you is walking out of here?"

Olivia tightened her grip on Elliot's hand, utterly terrified.

"I can decide like last time? What do you think Elliot? Last time she told you to go because of your kids, now she's having her own, what do you think?"

"I think you're sick," he spoke through gritted teeth, "You won't get away-"

"I don't want to get away with it Elliot, that isn't an issue anymore. I'm asking you both a simple question, you're not going to let me kill a pregnant woman are you?" he asked, a smile creeping onto his lips. He suddenly walked forwards, grabbing Olivia by the arm and ripping her away from Elliot.

"No!" Elliot couldn't stop the roar from deep within his chest.

Vickers placed his gun against her forehead,

"Tell me you want to stay," Vickers ordered him.

Olivia shook her head,

"You promised," she whispered, she didn't want to die but life without Elliot wasn't an option, Elliot had promised her and she had promised their child. There had to be a way that they could both get out, she couldn't face any alternative.

"Let her go," Elliot spoke slowly, unable to look Olivia in the eye, he had promised her but she would understand eventually.

"Good man, it's the honourable thing to do," he slipped his hand from Olivia's shoulder down along her side, eventually moving it to her stomach, she flinched as he placed his hand over her stomach,

"I said I'll stay,"

"Is it kicking yet? It must be," he whispered in her ear, "I wonder who it will look like, you or Elliot,"

Her eyes widened, he knew.

"I've known all along Olivia, you can't hide anything from me,"

"Get your hands off of her!" Elliot's fists were clenched, his voice booming.

"Olivia or the baby?" Vickers asked quickly.

Elliot shook his head, unable to fathom Vicker's ultimatum. His face conveying his shock.

Vickers began to laugh, proud of his handy work, the hand holding the gin slipping away from her head slightly.

She saw the chance and took it, her elbow connecting with his ribs, she heard the crack and pulled away as quickly as she could.

He hit out, the side of his arm hitting her face as the gun flung out of his other hand.

She fell hitting her head on the hard ground as Elliot launched himself at Vickers.

Elliot wrapped his hands around his captor's throat, ignoring the searing pain in his own ribs after his rough assault on Vickers. The two men wrestled to reach the gun as Olivia lay motionless on the floor.

Elliot punched hard and fast, knowing this was his only chance to save himself and Olivia.

"I'm going to kill her Elliot!" Vickers yelled as they continued to fight, "And your baby! And I'm going to make you watch!"

With one final grasp Elliot reached the gun. Desperate to save the life's of his parent and baby, every ounce of fight he had ever had in him suddenly escaped as he grabbed the gun.

Vickers kicked Elliot in the chest with such force that he went flying, he hit the ground with a thud and before he could reach for the gun again Vickers was up and gone.

"Elliot!" he heard Fin's voice, he ran through the door.

Elliot had never been so relieved to see his friend. "Fin, he's just gone – go get him!" he yelled as he crawled towards Olivia.

Fin ran out.

"Liv," he breathlessly called, the pain in his ribs intensifying with every move. He gently pulled her towards him, "Liv, come on, please..."

As he spoke her eyes fluttered, she had a large gash along her forehead form where she had hit the ground.

"El..." she whimpered, grasping for his hand. Her head swimming.

"You're okay, I've got you," he pulled her up and into his arms, she clung to him.

"Where is he?"

"He ran, Fin is after him, he's going to find him, you okay?" he asked her, running his hands along her body as if checking that she was in one piece still, "The baby?"

"Hmmm," she closed her eyes, he wasn't dead, he was still with her. She placed her hands on her stomach as an unfamiliar ache spread through her abdomen.

"We need to get you checked out," he moved, only to get up and help her up, they both winced, both in pain.

She gasped aloud as she tried to put pressure on her left foot, she must have fallen on it.

Elliot placed his arm around her back, supporting her as they walked towards the door.

"Liv," he frowned, pulling away slightly so that he could see her.

"I can't,"

"Liv, what is it?" he grabbed her and lowered them both onto the ground,

"My ankle, I can't..."

"I'm going to get help-" he was about to get up,

"No! No, don't leave me, Elliot don't leave me," she sobbed, suddenly looking up at him in shock.

"Liv," he looked at her, a worried and confused stare.

This was not happening. It wasn't happening, there was no way it was happening, it was too soon.

"I think my waters broke," she whispered praying she was wrong. Her heart was thumping.

"What?" his eyes widened and his heart stopped as he absorbed her words.

She looked up at him, her eyes filled with fear as she struggled to breathe, to stay calm.

"Elliot...it's too soon..." she closed her eyes, praying that she was wrong, that she was in a safe place, that Vickers had never returned and that her baby wasn't on its way two months early...

**Thanks for reading! Please review!! The more reviews the happier I feel, the happier I feel the more I write....you get it lol! **

**God bless to anyone in Australia right now, my thoughts are with you and your families xx**


	19. Chapter 19

**Thank you all!**

**Okay so here we are, the scene we've all been waiting for, the birth!!**

**I really enjoyed writing this and I know it's different, but I hope you guys enjoy it too? I felt very very calm when writing this, hopefully you'll understand why.**

**This hasn't been beta'd because I'm too impatient, I really wanted this chapter to be up and of course the wonderful JessicaR actually has a life and can't be at my beck an call, so I'm sorry if there are mistakes.**

XX

Olivia bit her lip as she lay on the hospital bed, clinging tightly to Elliot's hand. He had carried her from the basement to the waiting ambulance that Fin had called after he had apprehended Vickers who was now in custody. Her free hand was resting on her stomach as she silently prayed that her baby was okay.

The doctors had been in and out, told her that she was in for a long ride and to try and get some sleep. They had expressed concerns about the fact that the baby was 2 months early but had also told her that at thirty two weeks the baby's lungs would have fully developed and it would stand a great chance of being just fine, if not a little small. It hadn't settled her nerves at all.

"Oh..." she closed her eyes as another contraction hit, the pain getting worse and worse. Her mind was racing, thoughts of her baby trumping any memory of Vickers or the hell he had put her through again.

"It's okay," Elliot spoke softly, stepping closer and kissing her forehead. He had been comforting her with few words and gentle touches since she had told him that her waters had broken, her eyes filled with terror.

"It's not okay, it's too soon..." she spoke through the pain, when the contraction had passed she turned to face him, "I'm sorry," she whispered as tears filled her eyes.

"This isn't your fault," he gently ran his fingers though her hair as he stroked the back of her head,

"I was having contractions the whole time...I thought it was anxiety I didn't..."

"Liv, this is not your fault," he spoke a little louder to emphasis his point.

She closed her eyes and rested her head back on the pillow, "Where are the doctors?" she asked,

"Listen to me," Elliot whispered, placing his hand on her stomach, "Our baby is strong, we just have to sit through this and let the doctors do their jobs, I'm not going to let anything happen to our son or daughter okay? Liv, I promise, you trust me?" he asked softly.

She nodded. She trusted him with every inch of her body and soul, she knew that in the basement he would have died for her and her baby. He was the man she had trusted to watch her back for ten years, the man who had saved her life on more than one occasion, no matter what had happened between them she knew and trusted him on every level.

"I uh, I haven't got anything? I have a few clothes but I don't have a car seat or a crib or a...a-"

"Liv, we can get all that, and hey at least we'll know what colour to get?" he smiled, she could see through him. She knew he was as scared as she was, but she loved him for putting that aside and comforting her, she needed him.

"I'm not ready," she whispered, squeezing his hand tightly, "The baby isn't ready and I'm not ready,"

"This is happening, we need to accept this. I know you're scared, it's uh, it's pretty scary," he took a deep breath, "But our child is on its way, and whether we like it or not we can't stop it," he kissed her on the forehead again.

**

Holly waited nervously outside the hospital room pacing back and forth, she looked up as Fin and Cragen approached her.

"How is she?" Cragen asked, hoping for good news.

"She's having contractions every 10 minutes or so, she uh, she's terrified."

"I'm surprised you aren't in there," Fin told her, wondering why she wasn't.

"She needs Elliot," she spoke softly, she had spent so long trying to protect Olivia from Elliot it was only now that she understood exactly how much they needed each other.

**

"El," she sounded so vulnerable, so scared.

He turned to her, stroking her hand with his own.

"We haven't thought about names," she told him, still afraid to accept that her baby was going to be okay.

"How about Munch for a girl and Fin for a boy?"

"Much for a girl? Wow, thank God Kathy names your kids," she smiled, exhausted from the events of the past 24 hours. It was now 11 pm, they had been in the hospital for 6 hours.

"Hey, I had some say in it, not a lot, but some."

"I like Grace," she told him, stroking her stomach. The baby inside her was the most important thing in her life, she was frightened to death that she hadn't protected him or her for long enough and that at thirty two weeks he or she just wouldn't be ready.

"Grace...Grace is-"

"Oh hmmmm," she grasped her stomach, she sat up breathing in and out deeply, next to her Elliot felt so helpless. "I uh, I didn't think this was easy but...I didn't think it was this bad,"

"You're doing great,"

"It hurts!" she released her grip on his hand as the pain subsided, "I can't believe they've left us here alone,"

"They're checking on the baby every half an hour, as soon as the contractions are closer together the doctor will stay," he told her. He wanted to warp his arms around her, kiss her and tell her how amazing she was, how well she was doing and how proud he was of her, knowing how scared she was.

"Thank you Doctor Stabler," she gave him a small smile, "I just...I just want to hold him or her, I just want to know that our baby is healthy and safe, I couldn't take it..."

"You have to have faith,"

"In what?" she asked, unable to look at him.

"In yourself, you've kept this baby safe until now-"

"And if that's not enough? It's not two weeks Elliot, it's eight, eight weeks."

"This is a Benson baby, there's no way it's going to come out anything other than fighting," he told her, smiling softly. "Our baby is going to be fine, it's not in distress it's just impatient, it wants to see what's going on out here,"

"Impatient, remind you of anyone?" she asked, lying back on the bed, resisting the urge to wish for the labour to hurry up, wanting her baby to stay safe inside her for as long as humanly possible.

"So what about a boy? You thought of any names for a boy?"

"I like Samuel,"

"So it's Samuel or Gracie, you have good taste."

Sitting with him for 6 hours was more than intimate, she was waiting for her child to be born with the man she had spent the last century with. They had spoken about anything and everything, about his existing children and the wonderful things they had done whilst growing up, the things he told her she had to look forward to. He promised her that she would never feel more love in her heart than when she holds her baby for the first time and as scared as she was she couldn't wait to see her child, to hold him or her and to tell it how much she was going to love it.

Being with Elliot seemed so natural and she was left wondering what would be happening if the baby wasn't his, the truth was, as he held her hand and whispered words of comfort in her ear, she couldn't imagine anyone else being with her ever, if the baby hadn't been his, when things got tough it was Elliot that she wanted, he hadn't always been there but she always wanted him there and she always would.

Waiting for the baby to arrive with Elliot in the small room was enough to remind her why she fell in love with him, he was so gentle, so caring. She'd always expected that she would scream and shout when her baby was born but the past six hours had been so calm, she hadn't felt an ounce of hatred for him, just relief that he was at her side. She knew as he sat holding her hand that he was going to be the most amazing father to her baby but she was still frightened that something would go wrong. She still closed her eyes every few minutes, hand on her stomach, silently praying that her child would meet it siblings, would take its first step would take its first breath...

**

Three hours later Olivia cried out,

"I can't do this!" she grasped Elliot's hand as he rubbed her back. After a long list of Elliot's inappropriate names for their child the labour suddenly shifted into overdrive. The doctor sat at the end of the bed, gently encouraging her to breathe and not push.

"You're dilated by eight centimetres, another two centimetres and you can push,"

"It' took ten hours to get to eight centimetres!" she didn't mean to shout, "Hmmmm," she struggled to keep her breathing steady, "I can't do this," she shook her head, wondering if it was too late for an epidural, an epidural she had refused just in case she missed a minute of the birth, at that moment in time she wished she'd missed all of it.

The pain was almost constant now, and she didn't know how much more she could take. She'd often heard of women yelling obscenities at the father of the baby during the birth but she couldn't think of anything she'd like less. Elliot gently soothed her, rubbing her back as she breathed in an out. She clung to him, she needed him and he was amazing.

"You can do this, you know you can do this," he whispered, again kissing her on the head.

"Olivia, you just have to hold out for a few more minutes okay, that's it," the doctor informed her,

"Oh God, oh god, oh god," she grasped Elliot's hand even tighter,

"You wanna yell at me? You can yell at me, I'll take it-"

"No," she shook her head, still speaking in between deep breaths. "I can't do this without you, I can't do it-"

"You can't yell at me? You're pretty good at it-" he was trying to take her mind of the pain, she knew it but it wasn't working, it was just annoying her.

"Elliot, humour is not a strong point for you, please not now,"

"You don't think I'm funny?"

"Elliot!" she yelled, "Oh my God, this...is hell."

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you're doing so well, you're brilliant,"

"What if I'm not?" she asked, her voice shaking slightly.

"What?" he frowned, unsure of what she meant.

She was breathing deeply, in and out, in and out.

"What if I'm not great, I don't know if I can be a...what if I'm a bad mother?"

"What? No you can't-"

"What if I...what if I don't love the baby as much as I'm supposed to? What if I damage this baby? What if our baby grows up thinking it's not loved-"

"Olivia, there is no way that will ever happen, you are going to be an amazing mother-"

"What if I can't do it?" the first tear fell. "I'm not ready," she whispered as yet again the pain intensified.

"Okay Olivia we're ready for you to push," the doctor told her with a gentle smile.

"No!" she cried out, clinging to Elliot, "I can't do this,"

"You can,"

"Elliot, you've done this already you know you're a good father I can't-"

"You are already an amazing mother, and you have to do this, I know you're scared, I'm scared too...but you have to do this, we have to meet our baby," he placed both hands on her cheeks, "I'm going to be with you every step of the way, I promise," he gently pressed his lips against hers, pulling away and pressing his forehead against hers, "You have to do this."

She nodded, closing her eyes for a moment.

"Okay, are you ready?" the doctor asked.

Again she nodded. Grasping Elliot's hand as tightly as she could,

"One...Two...Three!"

She pushed as hard as she could, and it hurt like hell.

Elliot held her tightly and encouraged her,

"Come on Liv, come on."

"Okay, that was great, Olivia that was great. Okay relax, relax, when you're ready we're going to push again,"

"Is the baby okay?" she asked, through sobs and breaths.

"Everything looks great so far, ready to start again? One...two...three..."

**

Twenty minutes later Holly sat head in hands outside the ward hearing Olivia scream yet again, she wanted to be in there, holding her hand mopping her brow, anything, but she knew that she was where she was supposed to be. Don Cragen was sat across from her, Fin and Munch were sat on each side of him. They were good men, she knew Olivia was surrounded by love and support from the three men and that her future niece or nephew would be in good hands.

**

"I'm tired," Olivia whimpered, struggling to keep her eyes open.

"I know you're tired but we're nearly there, we're so close to seeing our baby," Elliot wiped the sweat from her forehead, kissing her softly on the head.

"Elliot, can you get behind Olivia? Sit on the bed with her?" the doctor asked.

He didn't need to be asked again, he quickly found himself sat behind his partner, holding both of her hands as she rested her back against his chest,

"Okay Olivia, we're going to try a few more times, then we need to start thinking about other options-"

"What other options?" she asked breathlessly,

"A caesarean-"

"Oh God," she rested her head on Elliot's shoulder, "I can't-"

"You can do this, you can do it, I know you can do it," Elliot whispered, tightening his hold on her.

"Olivia, one...two...three-"

With Elliot behind her she pushed as hard as she could, screaming through the pain.

"Great! Great! I can see the head, Olivia I can see the head,"

"Oh my god, it has a head..." she knew how stupid she sounded but she didn't care, her baby had a head and it was sure to be a beautiful head,

"You're doing so great, you're doing great."

"El, the head," she choked,

"I know we're so close, you're amazing," they were now cheek to cheek as she rested for a moment,

"Olivia, two more big pushes and your baby is going to be here, are you ready to meet your baby?" the doctor took a nod as a yes and carried on, "One...two...three push-"

She pushed as hard as she could, harder than she ad ever pushed before, the pain was almost too much to bear, too much to handle.

"The head is out, the head's out!" was all she heard, even Elliot's words of encouragement becoming simply background noises as she refused to take a breath and continues to push, screaming and clinging to Elliot. "That's it, come on, that's it –"

And suddenly the relief came, the pain was gone and she heard the words she had been dying to hear,

"It here, the baby's out,"

She rested her head on Elliot's shoulder about ready to collapse, she stopped as she heard the most beautiful sound she had ever heard. The doctor was checking the baby, making sure he was okay.

The baby's cries echoing through the room as the doctor cut the cord.

"Oh my god..." she sobbed, finding energy from nowhere to lift her head,

"Liv..." Elliot couldn't speak, the lump in his throat threatening to escape.

"You have a beautiful baby boy," the doctor walked towards them with the baby wrapped in a blacket,

"What? A boy..." Olivia was stunned, she knew it would only be one of two options but it didn't seem real. She looked up as the baby was placed in her arms, Elliot still sat behind her. "El..." she looked down at her son who was no longer crying, simply moaning. He was beautiful, the most beautiful thing she had ever seen.

Elliot was right, her heart and soul were suddenly filled with so much love it felt like she was about to explode. Her son was lying in her arms, more beautiful that she could have imagined.

"Is he okay?" she asked as Elliot gazed at his newborn son, in shock, overwhelmed and in awe.

"He's perfect, we'll take him to get checked out to be sure just because he's early, but he looks perfect."

"He does," she nodded, again staring at her son...her son.

"He's...he's amazing." Elliot finally managed to speak.

Olivia turned to Elliot, looking at him as if to say _Can you believe we made this?_ She turned back to her son, her little baby boy.

"Hi, hi baby...I'm your mommy..." tears filled her eyes as her son closed his, "I'm going to love you so much..."

**Please review, I loved writing this chapter I hope you loved it too xx**


	20. Chapter 20

**Thank you all for the amazing replies, you guys are the best!!**

Happy valentines day to you all XX Thank you Jess, you are the best! X

Olivia Benson was sitting in her own hospital room gazing at her newborn son. He had been taken to the special care unit just to be checked out as he was premature and returned to her in a half an hour. He was perfect - even the nurse thought so. Of course, she had meant that he was in perfect health, but Olivia just meant perfect. He was 6 pounds exactly, a little smaller than expected but doing just fine, and every minute away from him made her heart ache just a little bit more than the last.

Elliot had gone to get something to drink, having been awake for twenty four hours. The horrific events before the birth were now a mere memory. She was supposed to be exhausted, supposed to want to sleep, but she couldn't tear her eyes away from her baby. Nursing him for the first time had been verging on incredible. Feeling so close to her child was so overwhelming.

She had been alone gazing at her son for just 20 minutes when she heard the gentle knock on the door. She knew they wouldn't be able to wait for too long.

"Oh..." Holly was the first to walk in. She had tears in her eyes as soon as she saw the tiny bundle in her best friend's arms. "Liv..." she walked toward her friend, placing her hand gently on the baby's chest and kissing Olivia softly on the side of the head. "You did it...he is...he's so beautiful."

"I know," Olivia smiled, so in love with the little boy in her arms. "I can't stop looking at him," she whispered, running her finger across the side of his face.

"Is he okay? I mean...he's so small," she wiped the stray tears that had escaped and were running down her cheeks, so glad that after all the trauma of the last 8 months, Olivia finally had her beautiful baby.

"He's perfect. His lungs are developed...I don't know how, but he's perfect," she spoke, not once taking her eyes off of her son.

"I guess he was going to be a big baby. Is that right little guy?" Holly looked down at the sleeping baby. "I'm so proud of you...so proud," she kissed her friend again, struggling to contain her emotions.

Olivia gave her a soft smile, grateful that she hadn't asked to hold the baby, unable to even think about handing him over to anyone - even Elliot hadn't held him properly. He'd cradled both her and his son when he was first handed to her moments after the birth but then the baby had been taken by the nurses. "You okay to have a few more visitors?" Holly asked softly.

**

An hour later and the room was filled with flowers, balloons and teddy bears. Olivia was still holding her son as Fin, the last of the visitors, gave her a gentle kiss on the forehead and walked out. Elliot had come back soon after Cragen, Fin and Much had come in, accepting handshakes from the three men.

He had gone and called his children to tell them that the baby had arrived just about safe and sound. He would never tell anyone that as he finished the call the realisation of the events of the past twenty four hours hit him and he openly sobbed, grateful his son was safe. Pride had filled his heart to the point where he thought it would explode, looking at his child in Olivia's arms. She had been amazing. He wanted to tell her that - to tell her how amazing she had been, how brave. The thought that he could have lost either of them was the thought that had brought him to tears, and the realisation that they were both safe was the thought that had turned the tears of fear into tears of relief.

Olivia turned to Elliot as the door closed.

"Hey," she held her hand out to him, urging him to come closer.

He walked forward, taking her hand in his and kissing it softly.

"Are you ready to hold your son?" she asked with a beautiful smile on her face. This was perfect.

He had wanted to hold his child, but he knew that Olivia needed to hold him - to realise that he was safe, and that her life was changed forever. He knew she had to be ready to hand the baby to him. He would never have pried him out of her arms. She had to be ready. This was the final act of acceptance that they were going to raise the little boy together.

He gently lifted the baby from her and held him close to his chest, of course he'd held his own child like this before, five times, but it was as amazing every time. He swallowed the lump in his throat as he gazed at his baby and was forced to swallow again when the baby wrapped his tiny fingers around one of Elliot's.

Olivia simply watched and smiled as daddy and son bonded. How was it so perfect? Olivia and Elliot had never been easy. It wasn't natural for it to be this perfect. They weren't Olivia and Elliot anymore, they were Olivia, Elliot and their baby. Was it possible that adding the baby to the mix had created a new shift in their relationship? It had been difficult getting there, but now as she watched Elliot softly whisper to her son she finally realised that it had all been worth it - no matter how many tears, she would have endured anything just to get to this moment.

"He uh...he doesn't look like a Samuel," she spoke softly.

Elliot raised his head.

"What do you think he looks like?" He walked closer to her so that she could see her son's face.

"I think he looks like you," she whispered, looking from the baby back to Elliot. She gently cradled her son's head as Elliot held him close to his chest.

"You were amazing. I meant to tell you earlier. You were...amazing," he told her, looking for another word that meant the same thing.

"I wouldn't have been able to do it without you," she told him sincerely. "Thank you," she smiled, obviously exhausted but unable to even think about sleeping.

They both gazed at their newborn baby boy, studying his brand new features. He had her nose, they both thought silently.

"James," she said softly.

"James?" Elliot looked at his son, "James, what do you think buddy?" he whispered, kissing his son lightly on the forehead. "Welcome to the world James Benson," he smiled turning to Olivia.

"Stabler," she spoke so quietly he barely heard it. "James Stabler," she repeated. She saw his expression change, a mixture of shock and gratitude. She smiled softly.

"Liv I..." he couldn't speak.

"He needs a middle name," she told him, silently offering him the chance to give the baby a middle name.

He had been terrified that he wouldn't play an active role in his son's life and he knew that this was her way of reassuring him. He had never been more grateful.

**

Hours later James Oliver Stabler was lying in the nursery with the other babies who were practically invisible to Elliot. Olivia had been struggling to keep her eyes open, having been awake for nearly 36 hours straight. The nurse had insisted she have some sleep and Elliot agreed. She had reluctantly agreed for the baby to be taken to the nursery. Elliot had kissed her softly on the forehead following the baby and asking Holly to sit with Olivia, knowing there was a chance she, too, would have a realisation of how lucky they were and exactly how close they came to losing each other and their baby.

Now as he stood gazing at his son, his legs aching to remind him that he, too, had been awake for 36 hours, he struggled to walk away from his son.

"Daddy," he turned to see Maureen stood behind him, talking to him for the first time in months. She was carrying a little teddy and a balloon with "IT'S A BOY!" written across it.

Elliot was utterly overwhelmed as his daughter walked toward him. She wrapped her arms around him, silently apologising for the months of silence. He held her as tightly as he could without hurting her.

"I love you," he told her, struggling to keep his emotions intact. Having her with him meant more to him than he realised. She wiped away the stray tears as she pulled away and faced him.

"How is he? He's so early...Mom said you guys were trapped-"

"That doesn't matter now baby," he whispered softly, kissing the top of her head.

"Is he okay?" she asked softly, praying to God that her new baby brother was healthy. She knew that 8 weeks was early and that there was a chance he would suffer because of this.

"Why don't you take a look for yourself," he placed his hands on her shoulders and gently walked her to the nursery, pointing to James. He heard her gasp as she placed her hand against the glass separating them from the babies.

"Daddy he's...he's so tiny," tears filled her eyes again as she stared at the baby she had expected to resent. She already loved him unconditionally. "He's beautiful."

"He's healthy. He's...he's a fighter." Elliot again kissed the top of her head, keeping his hands on her shoulders as they both gazed at the baby.

"What's his name?" she whispered.

"James."

"James...it's beautiful...he's...daddy," she turned to him, "we're going to make this work," she told him, surprising him. "I know it's not...it's not perfect but he...he is." She smiled turning to her brother again. "I love you," she placed a kiss on Elliot's cheek and then spoke the words he had been aching to hear, "and I forgive you."

He held her tightly, relief flooding through him. He had once feared that Olivia having his baby would result in him losing his other babies. Now he knew that it wouldn't happen, and as he held his eldest child and gazed at his youngest, he had never felt so lucky.

**

Olivia carefully held James close to her chest as she approached her apartment. They had been in the hospital for just 12 hours before she decided that she was ready to go home. She wanted to sit in her own bed and gaze at her son. The doctors had given them both a clean bill of health, and James, although small, was absolutely fine. Elliot had walked them out of the hospital and toward the car. Maureen had brought Eli's old car seat.

Olivia's ankle was still sore but she didn't care. She was holding her child and bringing him home. Elliot took her key and opened the door. She walked in slowly, relieved to be home. She looked down at James who was sleeping. He had barely made a sound since his birth, and she was struggling to find any word other than perfect that justified just how wonderful he was.

She had slept for seven hours. She thought she would only sleep for one and then want her son again, but she needed the sleep and now felt like she was back on form.

"How you doing?" Elliot asked, softly coming behind her, gazing over her shoulder to see James.

"Good, great..." she took a deep breath, "I can't believe he's here," she admitted, looking down at the sleeping baby. "Thank you," she turned to him. "I know it wasn't perfect but thank you for giving him to me." She leaned into his chest and he wrapped his arms around her so that he now was cradling both Olivia and James. It was euphoria to have her in his arms as she held his son. He kissed the top of her head softly, stroking the top of James' head.

"I have a suprise for you," he whispered, slowly walking toward the spare room. He pushed open the door and she stood in shock. The once brown room was painted white with a large crib in place of where the bed used to be. A rocking chair was against the wall with a large teddy bear on it. There was a beautiful chest of drawers with baby changing equipment on top of it. She turned to Elliot.

"How..." she couldn't find the words.

"I asked the guys to help me out. Do you like it?" he asked as she stared in amazement. The room was beautiful.

"El...it's beautiful, it's amazing..." she turned to him. "Look at what your daddy did?" she whispered, kissing the top of James' head. This was the nursery of her dreams. It was better than she could have imagined.

"And..." he gently lead her out of the room into her own. There was a Moses basket next to her bed. "I know you'll want him in here, so this is until he's ready for the crib," he told her.

She smiled, amazed at how much thought he had put into it.

"And just one last thing," he placed his hands on her shoulders and walked her out to the living room, he opened the bathroom door and rolled out a beautiful navy blue stroller, it had a car seat fitted in place of the seat, the rims white and navy stripes.

"I love it, I love..." she stopped, "it," she whispered. She had been about to say _you. _"I love it," she told him.

"I uh, I wanted to ask you a favour..." he told her, looking at her nervously. "I uh...I don't want to miss anything...I'm not ready to go home and leave him," he admitted, staring at his son. "Holly has said that she wouldn't mind staying at my place for a few days so that I could take her room... If it's too much I understand-"

"No, no, I want you here, you should be with us...with him." She closed her eyes, embarrassed by her slip. "I was going to ask you to stay," she admitted, giving him a soft smile. She knew that she would be fine alone, but when the three of them were together it was perfect.

"Thank you," he wrapped his arms around her, kissing the top of her head, stroking the side of his son's face, relieved that he would be with his son for his first few days and relieved that he would be with Olivia. When he was with her and James he felt complete. He loved her more than he thought possible, something he still struggled with. Knowing that after everything that had happened they would never be together, he still struggled with guilt. She wasn't interested. She had made that clear. She was over him.

She silently reminded herself that James was her priority, Elliot was his father and her friend, nothing else. She loved him. She loved him even more now that her baby was here, but they weren't together for a reason, not least the fact that Elliot wasn't in love with her. No, she would cope with her feelings for Elliot like she always had. Now that they had James to think about she had no choice but to get on with her life and let him be a father to their child. She pulled away from his hold, scared that if she stayed for too long she wouldn't be able to pull away.

"Do uh, do you want to put him into his bed?" she asked softly, smiling as Elliot nodded and took the baby, walking toward her bedroom. She walked toward the door, watching as he gently lay James in the Moses basket.

She struggled to contain her emotions as he spoke softly, "This is your home little guy, me and your mom...we love you so much," he whispered, stroking his son's head.

She smiled wondering if it was possible for her heart to burst from so much love. She walked away, leaving Elliot to have some time with his son. He hadn't had a moment alone with him. She sat on the sofa resting her head on the side wondering if she would ever remember what it was like without James, because after just 12 hours she was already struggling to remember.

**

Elliot walked out of Olivia's room and smiled as he saw her asleep on the sofa. She looked beautiful - more beautiful than he had ever seen her. He took the blanket from the side and gently wrapped it over her, making sure she was fully covered before be bent down next to her and gently kissed the top of her head, wondering if she would ever know how much he truly loved her.

**Please review luvlies! Thank you Xx**


	21. Chapter 21

It had been six weeks since Olivia and Elliot had welcomed their son James into the world. He was the perfect child, Olivia often wondered how she and Elliot had made such a mild mannered child, James rarely cried, often content to lie in his Moses basket, simply looking around. Olivia couldn't count the times she had lay awake watching her son sleep, so overwhelmed by the feeling of love and pride that she could barely stand to close her eyes.

Elliot had intended to stay for a few days but he was still living with Olivia after four weeks. They had gotten into a perfect routine. Even now that he was back at work he would come home every night and bath the baby, sometimes they would bathe him together other times it was daddy and James time. She loved standing at the door listening to Elliot softly talk to his son, watching him cradle James' little head in his hands as he washed the water over his tiny body. Elliot would get up with him in the middle of the night – not that James was awake that often, and short of feeding him, which Olivia still found awe inspiring, Elliot did everything that she did.

Now as she put her son into his Moses basket and watched as his eyes closed, she smiled tilting her head to the side, her son was perfect. She sighed, wanting to watch him for just a little while longer but knowing that if she stayed and longer she wouldn't want to leave. She placed a soft kiss on her fingers and gently placed them on James' head before walking out into the living room.

**

Elliot sat at his desk, leaning backwards as the case he was working on refused to be solved. He and Fin had been working flat out trying to solve the rape and murder of a young mother. Elliot had found her face down in an alleyway after a night out, her first night out since giving birth to her daughter, she had been a single mother and the baby was now in foster care. The case had hit him hard and he thanked God that he got to go home to his children every night, seeing his 5 older children every second day and seeing James whenever he got home. Holding James in particular made him realise how lucky he was, how little he could have had to do with his son and Olivia.

He had been staying with Olivia for nearly 7 weeks and it was practically perfect, neither one of them had mentioned him moving back to his apartment, both happy with the way things were going. He often watched Olivia interact with James, fighting the urge to simply stare and smile. She was amazing. She could calm James with only a soft touch or kiss, she was so confident, all the fears she had expressed during the birth a mere memory. He was relieved that James had Olivia's temperament rather than his own, Kathleen had been a nightmare when she was a baby, constantly crying, he was sure he didn't sleep for six months when Kathleen was born, James was different. He would sleep all night and simply lie awake waiting for mommy or daddy to pick him up when he woke.

Maureen, Dickie and Lizzie had all visited at least once a week, Eli had also met his little brother but was too young to understand the reality of the situation. Kathleen had been less frequent in her visits. Of course the kids loved James, but Kathleen in particular was very hostile towards Olivia, something they both understood but on the last visit Elliot could see that Olivia was upset, she had taken the hostility and tried to ignore it but Kathleen simply upped the ante, commenting on how cosy Elliot and Olivia were considering the circumstances in which they got together the words "Affair" and "Stealing" were used and Olivia could no longer take it. She walked out of the apartment knowing that James would be fine with Elliot and the kids.

Elliot felt torn between yelling at Kathleen and running after Olivia, he decided to yell. He understood that Kathleen was upset but he couldn't allow her to keep walking into Olivia's home just to insult her. He'd told Kathleen that he understood why she felt the way that she did but that he wouldn't allow her to talk to Olivia like that again, she had of course stormed out, waking James and refusing to come back.

He had spoken to Kathy, asked her to keep an eye on Kathleen and the other kids who had been practically perfect, and Kathy had called to tell him that Kathleen and Maureen would be around to visit again tonight and that Kathleen was ready to apologise. Maureen in particular keen to spend as much time with James as possible after speaking with Olivia and clearing the air. She understood that the circumstances behind James' conception and that Olivia would never have done anything to hurt the children she had grown to love so much over the ten years she had known Elliot.

"Hey Daddy."

He was shaken from his thought as he heard a soft voice behind him, he turned around to see Olivia, stood smiling with James held tightly to her chest in the baby carrier, she had a hand placed on his back as the little boy slept.

"Hey," Elliot stood up to greet her, placing a hand on her arm as he kissed James on the head. "Everything okay?" he asked, wondering why she was there.

"Everything's fine, I know how hard your working on this case and I thought you'd be missing your little boy," she smiled, looking down at her son. "You want to get some lunch?" she asked softly.

Elliot nodded, grabbing his jacket.

**

A few hours later they were at home, Elliot held James close to his chest, loving being so close to his youngest child.

"So what do you think little man? Uncle Fin or Uncle John? Which one's your favourite so far? I know Uncle John is a little eccentric...but you'll grow to love him, Uncle Fin's pretty cool right?"

James yawned, his eyes closing and opening, verging on sleep.

"Yeah, I thought so..." he smiled, placing a soft kiss on his son's head. "You uh, you'll learn to love them." He looked up as he heard a knock on the door,

"They're here?" Olivia walked out her bedroom with a fresh top on after being vomited on by her beautiful son.

"It's going to be fine," he winked as he pulled open the door.

"Hey Daddy, Jamie!" Maureen smiled, gently kissing her brother on the head. "Hey Liv," she walked forwards and gave Olivia a hug,

"Hey," Olivia smiled, turning her attention to Kathleen. Watching as she walked past Elliot, without acknowledging James. She bi her lip as she wondered what insults Kathleen would come out with this time. She knew that Elliot needed to see his children and she loved them, she'd watched them grow into the people they were now but Kathleen's hostility towards her son was starting to bother her. It was a bad situation, of course it was, but James hadn't done anything wrong and she wouldn't let this continue much longer, she was going to talk to Elliot as soon as the girls left.

"Can I hold him?" Maureen asked, resisting the urge to take the baby and cuddle him to death. Her brother was so beautiful, he had the Stabler gene but he looked so much like Olivia. She looked up as Kathleen sat on the sofa, arms folded. She wondered how soon it would be before her dad flipped because of her sisters actions. She smiled as Elliot gently handed her the baby,

"Hey beautiful," she smiled, kissing her brother again. "He's already grown so much, I can't believe he wasn't even supposed to be born until tomorrow,"

"I know," Olivia smiled, wiping her hand across her sons head, it was so small it comfortably fitted in the palm of her hand. Jamie was still tiny, she forgot how tiny she was until she saw a baby who was the same age as her son who had been born a week after her due date and she seemed like a giant next to her child.

"And his hair...I can't believe how much hair he has..."

"Apparently your father had a lot of hair when he was born," she smiled raising her eye brows waiting for Elliot to react.

"Really....dad?" she suppressed a giggle.

"Very funny, dad has no hair, you guys are hilarious," Elliot rolled his eyes as he walked to the kitchen, opening the fridge to pull out a drink.

"You want anything Mo? Kathleen?"

"Can I have some water?" Maureen asked,

"Sure, Kath?" he asked, looking at his younger daughter.

She looked up at him, arms folded.

"No thanks," she spoke quietly.

Elliot and Olivia shared a glance which wasn't un noticed by Maureen.

"Do you wanna hold the baby Kath?" she walked towards her sister, urging her to take the baby from her.

"No thanks," she got up and walked towards her father, wrapping her arms around him.

Maureen gave Olivia an apologetic smile and then turned her attention to her brother again.

**

An hour later Maureen and Olivia had been sat in the living room while Elliot, Kathleen and James sat in Elliot's bedroom.

"Listen," Olivia started, "I wanted to say thank you for being so great with Jamie, I know this situation isn't perfect-"

"Liv, it took me a while...but I know that you and dad didn't mean to hurt anyone and mom's already met someone new, she's happier than I've seen her in a long time, dad too. Although it's going to take some time to break it to the twins and Kathleen-" Maureen smiled.

Olivia's eyes widened.

"Maureen your father and I..."

"Oh it's okay I figured you two were together when he moved in,"

"No we're not," Olivia shook her head.

Maureen frowned slightly, "You're not together?"

"No...no we're just friends and we have Jamie but that's it."

"Really? I...I thought...okay, sorry Liv, I just thought because he was living here? I guess it would cause too many problems what with Kathleen and the twins, they aren't ready for that."

The room fell into an awkward silence.

**

Elliot smiled as he changed James' diaper, sat next to Kathleen who had been giving him the silent treatment for nearly twenty minutes.

"You wanna talk to me about what it is that's bothering you?" he asked softly, placing hid hand over his daughters.

"You know what's bothering me,"

"What Olivia?" he asked, Kathleen folded her arms again, resembling a four year old who had been told it was time to go to bed. "You used to like her, and I know...hey I know how hard this is for you baby, but you can't keep coming here being rude to her-"

"You slept with her while you were married to my mother, what am I supposed to do?" Kathleen asked, tears filling her eyes. "And now you two are living together with your perfect baby and your perfect family-"

"I'm here to help Olivia with Jamie, she's never done this before-"

"She'll be fine if you go back to your apartment. She doesn't need you, she wants you, she always called you away from us and now she's finally got what she wants. I hate her." A single tear slipped down her cheek.

"Your mom and I...we love you, all of you, and it wasn't working between us, you know that – and this isn't any excuse for what happened but I've apologised-"

"I'm not mad at you anymore, it's just her..." she clenched her fist.

"You know that Olivia is a good person? Kathleen you know that," he told her watching as James lay in between them as they sat on the bed.

"Dad, I'm sorry but I'm never going to be okay with this, I hate her and...and I hate him." She stood up walking out leaving Elliot stunned. He picked up Jamie, astounded that Kathleen would say such a thing about her baby brother, Olivia he could understand but James?

Olivia looked up as Kathleen stormed out of the room.

"Are you happy now? Now you have everything you wanted?" she sobbed and yelled at Olivia.

"Kathleen-" Olivia walked forwards,

"Don't!" Kathleen threw her hands in the air. "What kind of a woman takes someone else husband-"

"Kathleen-" Maureen tried to interrupt her,

"No, you wanna pretend you're okay with Dad shacking up with his mistress-"

"Hey!" Elliot called, "You listen to me, you will not talk to Olivia like that in her own house," Elliot warned her, struggling to keep his vice calm. Knowing that this was exactly what Olivia had been dreading when she told him she didn't want drama in her baby's life.

"You should've had the abortion and stayed away from us," Kathleen's words hit Olivia hard, she turned away from the young woman and towards Elliot. She silently took the baby out of his arms and held him close to her chest as she walked into her room and closed the door behind her.

"You..." Elliot could feel his blood boiling. "I know that you're upset, I know and I'm sorry and i'm going to be sorry for the rest of my life, but that...that was..." he shook his head, "Jamie is your brother-"

"Half," she sulked.

Elliot clenched his fist, still struggling with his temper. "You need to think long and hard about what you just said, and the way that you've been acting," he didn't want to push her too hard because he knew that she only needed one more thing to push her away completly.

"He's our baby brother, like Eli, like Dickie." Maureen told her sister, "You need to grow the hell up Kathleen,"

"I'm done with his crap," Kathleen grabbed her jacket and walked out slamming the door behind her,

"Baby follow her will you?" Elliot asked, Maureen nodded, gave her father a kiss on the cheek and left.

**

Olivia hadn't been out of her room for hours, Elliot had waited in the living room, hoping she would come out before he fell asleep so that he could apologise on his daughter's behalf.

Kathy had rung a little while after the girls left to tell him that they were home and that Kathleen didn't mean what she'd said. The whole situation was starting to wear him down, Kathy was supportive but would never go the extra mile, something he completely understood. He had told her from the start that he was only staying with Olivia so that he could be close to Jamie and she told him she understood, but he knew that the trouble his kids were having accepting the situation was the thing that made Kathy resentful of the living arrangement. He promised he would go to see the kids tomorrow and talk to them properly about what was going on and answer any questions they had. She had sighed and hung up, not expecting him to come at all.

He looked up as he heard Olivia's door open.

"Hey," he stood up and walked towards her as she closed the door and placed the baby monitor on the side. "Listen-"

"Elliot, I've been thinking," she cut him off, "I hate that this is so hard on Kathleen, and uh, I think that maybe it's time you moved back to your apartment." She told him, not wanting to delay the inevitable any longer. "I know how much you love your children, and this is just too difficult for them," she told him, repeating the thoughts that had been running through her mind as she watched James sleep.

He looked at her with raised eyebrows surprised by her admission.

"You uh, you want me to move out?" he asked, trying not to look to hurt.

"No, no I love having you here, Jamie loves you but I just...I can't see this working any other way, we're happy yes but Kathleen's right, you have 5 other children who need to know that they haven't been replaced, visiting you here and having to see me when they're still mad at me-"

"They'll get over it,"

"Maybe, but they need time with their daddy, not with daddy and his new baby." She saw the defeated expression on his face and walked forwards slowly, "I'm want you here, I do," she spoke softly, almost whispering, "But your children come first,"

"What about Jamie?" he asked, "He's going to miss out-"

"You can come and visit whenever you want – I'll keep the spare room for you, you can stay the night, but just...just for a little while you need to be around your kids, because they're suffering," she told him. He knew she was right.

"What Kathleen said-"

"Don't, it uh, it doesn't matter, but I don't want Jamie to ever hear anything like that again, she wants to say that to you or me fine, but not in front of him," she told him. She looked up at him slowly, "Do you...do you wish..."

"Hey, no way, I love him, I love him Liv, more than life itself just like the others," how could she think that he would wish that their son wasn't there?

"I just...I thought things were working...I...I don't want you to go," she admitted, feeling selfish for telling him that he had to go and then whining about it.

"I don't want to go either- we can work through this with the kids..."

"No, no they need you El, just you."

"I'm going to miss this," he told her, pulling her into his arms, "I was just getting comfy," he joked,

"I'm sorry," she whispered as she closed her eyes, allowing herself to be held. They hadn't held each other like this for so long, she thought there were times when they could have while they both watched Jamie sleep , when they both felt so filled with love that they could burst.

"Sorry for what? For putting my kids first? You're amazing,"

She lifted her head slowly until her eyes met his, she felt her heart pounding against her chest as she struggled to tear her gaze away from his. He lifted his hand from her waist to her cheek, stroking softly pulling a stray bit of hair away from her face,

"Elliot-" before she could say anything else his lips were on hers...


	22. Chapter 22

**Thank you for the reviews, you guys are amazing, this hasn't been beta'd so I hope it's not too bad.**

**I was going to half this chapter and give you a cliffhanger but I decided to be nice because you guys are just TOO lovely! Xx**

Elliot sat at his desk, he had been staring at the same file for nearly an hour now, not quite remembering what he was looking for in the first place. He sighed as he closed the file,

"Something wrong?" Fin's voice interrupted his daze,

"No, no everything's good," he wasn't exactly lying, as far as he knew everything was fine.

"Jamie keep you up last night?" Fin asked, smiling at the mere thought of the little boy.

"Yeah, he was...you know unsettled," Elliot sighed again. He had kissed Olivia last night, kissed her, Olivia! She had kissed him back and it was like he had lost all control as he brought his hand up to cup her cheek, his other hand running through her hair as she grasped his shoulders struggling to stay standing with the sheer force of his kiss. Until he was doing it he had no idea how much he had wanted to kiss her, even more so now she had given birth to their beautiful son.

_As he kissed her he felt his composure slipping away, he wanted to make love to her, he wanted to feel her underneath him, to hear her moan his name as he moved inside of her and kissed every inch of her beautiful body. He moved his hand from her cheek to skim her neck as she placed her hands on his cheeks, kissing him like he had never been kissed before and then suddenly it was over._

_He felt like something had been taken from him as she backed away, upon hearing her son crying. He wanted to grab her and pull her close to him again, missing her warmth against him. She placed her hand up to her lips, looking visibly shocked._

"_I should..." she walked towards her bedroom, towards her sons cries._

"_Liv-"_

"_It's okay Elliot, we'll talk tomorrow okay?" she asked softly, giving him a warm smile._

_As he nodded she closed her door and he heard,_

"_It's okay baby, mommy's here."_

He'd woken this morning to find an empty house with a note about shopping, she'd taken James and gone to get some food. It seemed simple enough at the time, but having hours of desk duty gave him way too much time to think, to worry, to wonder if she would be there when he got home or if she would bay half way to Indiana by now? Of course she wouldn't, she seemed fine after the kiss, a little surprised but fine. He would talk to her when he got home, tell her everything he'd been meaning to tell her for months, that he loved her and wanted him, her and Jamie to be a family. He only hoped after everything that had happened that she felt the same...

**

"You what!" Holly's eyes were wide, she looked from Jamie, who was sleeping in her arms back to Olivia. They had been sat on the sofa for nearly an hour and Holly knew that something was bothering her friend, she decided not to press the issue suddenly in the middle of a conversation about breast milk Olivia blurted out her secret.

"I don't know how it happened but we kissed..." she sighed, raising her hand to her head.

"What...well...have you spoken to him about it?" she asked, wondering if her friend had lost her mind.

"He's at work today, I uh, I didn't want to be around when he woke up – I wasn't ready so I left a note-"

"Saying what? Thanks for the kiss, isn't this awkward?" Holly asked, again looking down at the sleeping infant in her arms.

"No, no it's not that...I wanted...It's complicated Holly,"

"You think that you and he could-"

"I don't know," Olivia sighed, she had been awake all night asking herself the exact same question, confused between anger for possibly messing up a great relationship with the father of her child and excitement wondering if she and Elliot could really work it out? Could really make them work? "We have something so great right now, we're here for the baby and that's what I wanted not...anything else, but I see him with Jamie and I..."

"Love him," Holly finished her sentence,

"Is that enough?" she asked, not willing to deny what her friend already knew. "I was scared that this would happen and now it has...I just have to think about things I mean...we have hurt each other so much,"

"But it's different now that you have Jamie-"

"Now we have one more person to hurt," she sighed, "And his kids...Kathleen..." she sighed, knowing that Elliot's children wouldn't cope with another relationship transition. "Elliot and I, we don't work like that and I don't think he even feels-" she stopped, "I don't want to be another woman who happens to be convenient,"

"Come on Liv you know it's not..." Holly trailed off, remembering that although Elliot had confessed to Holly that he was in love with Olivia, he hadn't told Olivia. "You know he feels a lot for you," she spoke softly.

"But is that enough? Elliot needs his children to be happy, and if he...if we were together they wouldn't cope very well, not yet it's too soon," she sighed, remembering the anger she felt from Kathleen and Maureen's words on warning, telling her that they just weren't ready. She was lucky that Maureen and the twins had forgiven her, just about, for sleeping with their father, they wouldn't forgive her if she took this next step.

"Do you love him?" Holly asked, attempting one more time to make her fiend see sense. Olivia looked up at her friend with a look of "_Do I really need to tell you again_?" and Holly gave her a sympathetic smile, "Is he a good father to Jamie?"

"He's amazing," he was amazing, her heart fluttered whenever she saw her son and his father together.

"Then why are you telling yourself that this wouldn't work?"

"You saw what we turned each other into,"

"That was a very different situation, he was married-"

"He's still Elliot and I'm still me and we don't work in that way, we never have,"

"You didn't have Jamie before, you have a baby together, you're living together, he isn't married and you guys aren't trapped in a basement about to be killed by a psychopath," she took a deep breath after her speech, "he kissed you because he wanted to,"

"He...he is the only person who can hurt me...who can break me," she admitted,

"I thought you'd forgiven him," Holly turned her head to the side, placing her free hand over Olivia's.

"I did, I did but...I never want Jamie to feel even an ounce of the pain we caused each other, it's too easy for me to push him away or for him to pick his moods out on me it's what we do and when we were partners it just about worked, it was _how _we worked, but I can't do that to my son,"

"Olivia you two have been living together for 2 months, has he picked a mood out on you? Have you pushed him away?"

"No because it's simple, he's here to be a dad to Jamie, we know the boundaries, it works."

"You're scared," Holly immediately realised all the excuses, all the reasoning came down to this one fact. Olivia Benson was terrified. Terrified of hurting Elliot, of him hurting her but most of all of them both hurting her baby, the baby that she loved so much she felt like she would burst every time she held him or even looked at him.

"Of course I am, look at what we did to each other-" she was about to repeat her earlier words,

"Liv, this isn't last time-"

"Hey, since when were you Elliot's number one fan?"

"He learnt his lesson when you left, you know he did, he would never treat you like that again-" she remembered the pained look on his face when he agreed to stay away from Olivia and the baby, asking Holly to look after them both for him. "That was a crappy situation, but this is very different. Liv, you could be so happy," she spoke slowly, trying to make Olivia see what she could. Elliot loved Olivia, Olivia loved Elliot, they had a baby together and they lived together, one more step would make them the perfect family.

Olivia listened as her friend spoke to her, she understood exactly what she was saying buts he knew Elliot too well, one day a case would get too much and he'd lash out, and she couldn't open her heart to him just to have him use her as an emotional punch bag again, it would kill her and she wouldn't be able to hide it, her son would witness the shouting, the crying, sure they would get through it but how many times would it happen?

Or how many times would she get frightened and push him away, causing him pain and confusion? How many times would she make Elliot angry? How many times would he lie awake wondering if she would be there the next day?

How many tears would James witness? How many angry words? How many times would he hear his siblings wishing that he hadn't been born? No, it just wouldn't work.

She wondered if Elliot had even thought about it the way she had, maybe he didn't want anything other than a kiss and a fumble, maybe he was as confused and worried as she was, maybe he would tell her that they should just be friends before she told him.

**

Elliot walked up the stairs to the apartment, he had a large bunch of flowers in his hand, ready to confess his true feeling to Olivia, to tell her that he loved her and wanted to be with her. He put the key in the door and walked in to see Olivia rocking James in her arms, stood up shushing him as he cried.

"Daddy's home," she whispered, she looked up and stopped moving as she saw the flowers, she frowned slightly.

"Hey," he walked forwards, placing the flowers on the side, kissing James and then Olivia on the side of the head.

Olivia handed James to him and watched as he kissed his son again,

"Hi little man, did you have a good day with mommy?" he cooed, "I missed you buddy," he held him close to his chest, "How's he been?" he asked,

"Uh, fine, he's been great just a little cranky," she admitted, wondering why he had brought flowers home.

"Looks like our little guy is sleepy," he whispered as James closed his eyes, "I'll put him down for an hour?" he asked, walking away after Olivia nodded her approval.

**

Olivia looked up as Elliot walked out of her room, Jamie was still sleeping in the Moses basket, he was now 9 pounds 2 ounces, that was 4 pounds bigger than when he was born and yet he still fit in the tiny basket beautifully.

"Have you talked to Kathy?" Olivia asked softly,

"The kids are fine, don't worry about them," he told her softly,

"I do worry about them Elliot," she sighed walking towards the kitchen, and the flowers. She stopped as she reached them looking intently at the beautiful pink and white bouquet.

"Do you like them?" he asked nervously, a mood she had never seen from him before.

"They're beautiful," she closed her eyes briefly, she knew that this was his way of trying to move forwards in their relationship. "Thank you," she barely whispered. "Have you uh, have you thought about moving home?" she asked, trying to make it seem as though it wasn't a big deal.

He looked up, wondering if she was joking. They had kissed last night, he had spent all day thinking about how great it would be for them to be a family, to be able to wake up with Olivia every day, to kiss her, to make love to her, and now there she was acting like the kiss hadn't happened.

"Uh...no," he sighed, struggling to hide his disappointment.

"I think you know...it's for the best...for everyone," she turned away from him, pretending to be cleaning up, anything not to look at him while he had that look on his face. She could see that he hadn't thought of the implications of a relationship, that he thought that the kiss cancelled out the chat they'd had the night before. She closed her eyes briefly, reminding herself of all the reasons that this was the right thing to do and trying to forget the reason that it wasn't.

"Right," he nodded, staring at the flowers, wondering if she was being cruel on purpose.

She turned to face him, faking a smile pretending that there was no issue with him moving home, after all he had only meant to stay a week or so.

"So when do you think you'll start moving things-"

"Uh, you know what I'll start now," he walked away, unable to hide the anger in his voice. She couldn't wait to get rid of him, maybe it had been on her mind for weeks, just waiting for the right time to ask him to leave and maybe Kathleen had given her the perfect excuse.

"No, Elliot you don't have to-" she followed him into his bedroom,

"No, you're right, it's best for everyone," he told her abruptly,

"El, please-"

"What the hell was last night huh?" he asked, spinning round to face her,

"We...we were both tired..." she was flustered and he knew it, "This doesn't have to be a bad thing, you were always going to move home eventually, please don't-"

"Don't what?" he asked, raising his voice a little more than intended. "You know what, this is uh...this is for the best,"

"Please don't be angry at me," she whispered, "You know that this wouldn't work," she told him, finally meeting his gaze.

"So you're running away again?" he shook his head,

"You're kids-"

"Aren't the issue here, I kissed you last night-"

"Elliot-"

"I kissed you and you kissed me back, we kissed, I thought that might change something between us?"

"We don't work like that, you know that we don't."

"Why don't we?"

"What? Elliot think of the past 10 months, think of everything that happened the way we treated each other?"

"So this is you still punishing me?" he shook his head again, "You uh, you said you forgave me," he looked so defeated,

"I do, I did and it's not that,"

"So you forgive me for everything? For the things I said when I found out about Jamie?" he asked.

She shook her head.

"This isn't about that, we got through that-"

"Did we?" he opened the wardrobe, pulling out a large suitcase,

"Elliot-"

"You can't keep doing this," he shook his head yet again. He stopped as he reached for his clothes, "I'm sorry, I don't know how many more times I can tell you that," his voice was softer than she had ever heard it, completely defeated.

"Elliot it's...it's nothing to do with that...well...it's not that I don't forgive you, it's not, I just, I think that we hurt each other too much, both of us, and you're kids-"

"Don't use my kids as an excuse, this is about you and no one else," he was so pissed.

"I'm not Kathy," the words were out before she could stop them,

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"I'm the mother of your child, it's convenient but that's not enough," she told him. She knew that he didn't love her, he had made that very clear when she had confessed her feelings to him, telling him that he had broken her heart. She had just about convinced him that she didn't have feelings for him anymore, she would be damned if she ruined everything they had worked for since James' birth by letting a crush get in the way of her sons happiness.

Of course it was more than a crush but she had been so good at putting her feelings for Elliot aside she couldn't let it get in the way of building a secure life for her child and for herself. Elliot didn't feel the same way that she did, it would work for a little while until he started to resent her the way he used to resent Kathy and she just couldn't take that chance. She would rather be friends with him than pine after him like a pathetic school girl.

"You uh, you don't have...the feelings...you don't have them anymore?" he asked, desperate to hear her tell him that she did.

She bit her lip, deciding this would be the moment that would seal their fate.

"No, I...I see you as my best friend, it took me a long while but it...it's the only way we'll work," she wouldn't admit to still loving him, knowing that he didn't feel the same way but that he was ready to settle for the sake of Jamie and possibly himself.

He struggled not to fold there and then, she didn't love him. How could she after everything he'd done to her, everything he'd put her through? He had thought...he's hoped that together she would still love him, that they would be happy together, he looked up at her,

"I uh, okay," he wiped his hand across his mouth, struggling to gain his composure.

"Elliot, I'm...our priority is to look after James, to be good parents and this...would get in the way, you know that right?" she asked him softly,

"I guess if uh, if you don't feel that way anymore there's no point," he shook his head, if she didn't love him the way he loved her he couldn't stand to be second best, waiting for Mr right to sweep her off of her feet, taking his son with them.

She nodded, walking out, refusing to turn around, refusing to tell him that she loved him more than she would ever be able to describe.

**

Olivia sat on the sofa looking down at her sleeping son as he lay on her chest, he was so beautiful, as he slept with his tiny mouth open she smiled, how did something so tiny create such huge surge of emotions. She gently rubbed her index finger across the back of his head, wondering if he missed Elliot as much as she did.

Elliot had moved back into his apartment three days ago, he'd been to see James after work every day, bathing him and putting him to bed before leaving after saying few words to Olivia. She had dressed him in his "I love Daddy" baby grow last night, hoping Elliot would realise that nothing had changed, only his address. He had simply given her a fake smile, asked her how she was and left. She knew he was mad, but he would soon realise that settling for her wasn't the right option, it wasn't right for her, for him or for the six children who had been thrown into the difficult situation.

"We're doing fine little man, we're just fine," she whispered, she looked at her son, seeing nothing but an Elliot Stabler clone, "I miss him too," she swallowed the lump in her throat.

**

Elliot lay in his bed, wide awake at 2 am, missing knowing that his son was in the next room, that Olivia was sleeping only a few meters away. He sat up as he heard a gentle knock on the door. He got up, walking to the door in his boxer shorts, praying it wasn't one of his kids drunk, they had to know better by now?

He pulled open the door shocked to see Olivia holding Jamie close to her chest.

"I...I'm sorry," she fought the tears in her eyes, biting her lip as Elliot opened the door, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry okay,"

Jamie was wide awake, staring up at his mommy.

"What's going on?" he put his strong hand on her shoulder, frightened as to what could have shaken her so much.

She had been sat up all night, watching her son sleep, wondering if she was the worst mother in the world for pushing Elliot away from his son. Her mind began to run away, millions of thoughts running through her head, possibly caused by the hole in her heart caused by Elliot's absence. Maybe, just maybe, she thought, though Elliot didn't love her, she could make it work, they had been partners for a decade, she knew that they would be able to form some sort of relationship, she thought that he may grow to love her. She was stopping her baby from having a normal mommy and daddy because she was scared Elliot wouldn't love her back. Suddenly realising how selfish she was she needed her baby to see his daddy, she needed Elliot to see her baby.

"He needs you," she whispered, gently handing Jamie to his daddy. Watching as a topless Elliot held his beautiful son,

"Liv,"

"No, you need...you need to come back," she told him, "I can't do this to him," she shook her head,

"Liv, sit down," he told her as he paced with Jamie.

She did so.

"What...what's going on?" he asked, completely confused.

"I'm scared," she admitted, standing up after only being seated for a few moments. "I'm scared that I...I feel more for you thank you do for me, I'm scared that you'll wake up one day and find the woman of your dreams and I'll be holding you back and I...I can't do that," she had never been so honest in her life, "But for Jamie's sake I'm willing to try but you...you have to be honest with me always," she raised her hand to her head, completely overwhelmed,

"But you said you didn't..."

"I lied," she admitted, "I am terrified that we are going to hurt our baby because we can't help but hurt each other, I'm scared that a case will get too hard and you'll pick it out on me and I'll run, I'm scared that you're going to wake up one day and resent me," she struggled not to cry, "I'm scared that you're settling for me because it's convenient, but I...we could make it work I...I can't lose you, we can't lose you, I need you," she felt a weight immediately lift from her shoulders, finally telling him that she needed him.

He stood staring at her, completely overwhelmed.

"I...I know that you don't love me, I know that...but...you have to be sure about this," she told him softly, "You don't have to lo...to love me, but you need to promise that you're not going to leave us, because...because I couldn't take it, and I...the thought that you could wake up one day and think that you're trapped and I-"

"Stop," he spoke slowly.

She looked up at him, terrified of his reaction.

Elliot looked from his son to Olivia before slowly speaking, "I love you,"

"No," she shook her head, she hadn't intended to push him into a false admission of love.

"Listen to me, I love you," he stepped towards her as she shook her head.

"You don't have to-"

"Olivia Benson, I...love...you," he spoke slowly to emphasis his words, he used his free hand to cup her face, "I was going to tell you...the flowers...but you freaked out on me," he smiled, "And I know you're scared, and God knows how long it's taken you to tell me all those things but...I would never regret you, ever, and I'm not going to leave you for the woman of my dreams, you, are the woman of my dreams. It's never been convenient, it's never been easy...but I've never stopped wanting you. I couldn't love you anymore if I tried, I love the way you panic and you push me away, I love the way you've probably been awake all night thinking of different ways you and me can go wrong. I love every single thing about you – and now that I know how you really feel...I'm not going to let you push me away ever again, because I love you too much to let you do that," he pulled her face towards his, pressing his lips against hers as she clung to him.

Suddenly everything they had both been worried about for months...if not years melted away as daddy held Jamie and kissed mommy. Olivia raised her hands to his face, pulling him closer, needing to taste him, to feel him, to love him, so stunned that he loved her too. He loved her as much as she loved him, they were going to be fine, they were going to be a family and they were going to be happy.

**Please review xx xx x**


	23. Chapter 23

**Well hello! Thank you all for the reviews, as always you guys are amazing!!**

**With this chapter I did something I have NEVER and imean NEVER done before!! I'm a little scared and uh, yeah well i'm terrified actually!!**

**This isn't beta'd but thank you SO much to Jess who listened to me paniking about this!! Love you!!**

Elliot walked out of Jamie's room towards Olivia who was stood with her back to him in the kitchen, he gently wrapped his arms around her, kissing her neck and pulling her close, breathing in the smell of coconut, he loved the shampoo that she used. She placed her hands over his as he hugged her from behind.

She was so happy, Elliot had held her for what seemed like hours, he loved her, he...loved...her. They had left his apartment soon after the kiss ended; knowing Jamie needed to be in his bed. Now their little boy was asleep and she was still on cloud nine, almost unable to accept that they were going to be together.

"Say it again," she whispered, leaning her head against his shoulder, his arms still wrapped around her.

"I love you," he kissed the side of her head.

She smiled, taking a deep breath as happiness surged through her.

"I love you," he whispered again, moving his lips along her cheek down to her neck.

She turned to face him, pressing her lips against his, her hands on the side of his face. Not realising they had been moving backwards until she felt the kitchen counter pressing into her back. She gently bit Elliot's bottom lip, smiling as his breath hitched and she felt his erection against her thigh. She rolled her hips into his and moaned into his mouth as the contact caused a deep burning in the pit of her stomach.

She had often wondered if she would ever feel his touch again, feel his lips on hers, his hands on her. Now, as his hands lingered around the column of her throat, she realised just how much she had wanted him all along. She struggled not to gasp as his hands brushed her breasts, moving slowly towards her stomach as his tongue danced with hers. She moved her hands, once resting on his chest, now running along his back, finally settling on the back of his shoulders as she struggled to keep her composure.

She was kissing Elliot Stabler, the father of her child, the man who had broken her heart, the man who now held her heart in his hand and promised that he would guard it with his life. The man she loved more than any other man she had ever met, her partner and best friend of ten years. The desperation of James' conception was gone, the fear replaced with a tender need, the terror replaced with lust, never had she allowed herself to wish for this, to have him whole heartedly and unashamedly, even after her son was born it was just too much to want knowing that she could never have it, but now...she had it, she had him.

The gasp she had been struggling to contain escaped as his fingers reached the bottom of her shirt, her skin almost on fire from the touch of his fingers against her stomach. She needed him, now. Before she had time to tell him she felt his hands running along her hips, unable to tear her lips from his for even a second as he continued his assault with his tongue, she gasped again as she suddenly felt Elliot's strong arms lifting her until she was sitting on the counter with her legs wrapped around his waist.

His lips were suddenly gone from hers and she was about to complain, immediately silenced by his moist lips reappearing on the column of her throat. She couldn't even try to hide the moan that left her lips as Elliot's hips rolled towards hers, his erection hitting her centre. She wrapped her arms around his neck, this was really happening, it was actually happening.

Elliot continued his gentle kisses along her neck, the constant throbbing between his legs almost unbearable. He was determined to go slow, to make up for the months they had missed out on, the years. He could hear her shallow breathing and he knew that she wanted him as much as he wanted her, he knew that he could take her now and neither one of them would complain but this was technically their first time together – being trapped in a no hope of survival situation didn't count – he had dreamt of this moment too many times to ruin it by letting his penis get the better of him.

He gently reached for the bottom of her shirt, lifting it slowly, smiling as she raised her arms allowing him to remove it completely. She was amazing. He stepped backwards to admire her topless form, only to see her wrap her arms around her torso,

"You're beautiful," he whispered, pulling her arms away, knowing that she was self conscious but after giving birth only 2 months ago she was perfect, she had bounced back to her old shape and even if she hadn't she would still have been stunning to him. He smiled as a blush crept across her cheeks, even now she was so unsure of her beauty, of herself.

He pressed his chest against hers as he kissed her again, desperate to show her exactly how beautiful she was. The bra she had on was the only thing stopping him from feeling her bare breasts against his chest, he almost forgot to breathe as her hand snaked down in between them both to grasp his throbbing penis,

"Liv..." he swallowed the lump in his throat, if she didn't stop he would take her there and then.

She ran her hand along his obvious erection, smiling as she felt his chest rise and fall against hers as he struggled to keep his self control.

"It's okay," she whispered, knowing exactly what he was doing, he was trying to slow down, to stay calm when in actual fact she wanted him to rip her clothes off and take her right there and then. She thrust her hips towards his, letting him know that she had no intention of slowing down.

"Liv..."

"I want you...in me," she gave one last roll of her hips, wrapping her legs around his waist and pulling him closer.

In her...he gripped the top of the counter to prevent himself from slamming into her right there, she deserved more than that. He took a deep breath, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her away from the counter, her legs were still wrapped around his waist and as he moved towards the bedroom their lips met again, more desperate. She clung to him as he carried her towards his bedroom, a sensual haze surrounding them both.

He stopped in the door way, her back resting on the cool wooden frame. She pulled him closer to her as she kissed him like she had always wanted to, she had never felt such a need, such passion before. He reached for the back of her bra, unhooking it in moments and pulling it from her arms, never once pulling his lips away from hers. The feel of her breasts on his bare chest was almost too much to take, he moved towards the bed, laying her down gently, he was about to pull back and gaze at her again when he felt her arms around her neck, pulling him on top of her.

His lips crashed down upon hers, the last of his self control slipping away as she writhed under him, her hips rolling towards his erection. She bit his bottom lip, sucking and nipping as she reached for the hem of his trousers, letting out a small moan of disappointment as her hands were pulled away. She was about to protest when she felt his lips against her throat, kissing softly, moving lower and lower until he reached her chest. She gasped as he took her nipple into his mouth; she was literally on the edge.

"El..." she moaned, her arms flailing above her head as he licked and sucked her left nipple as his hand found her right, rubbing his fingers across it causing her to thrust her hips towards his.

They both moaned at the same time as he adored her breasts, lapping up the milk that leaked unashamedly. She bit her lip as another moan escaped, needing him in her.

"Please..." she whimpered, not even trying to hide her desperation. The aching between her legs was almost unbearable.

Elliot reached for her belt buckle, undoing it in moments with just one hand. Within moments her hand had reached his trousers and they were both lying with just their underwear as the only barrier between them.

She wrapped her legs around his waist, pulling him further and further into her, wondering if it was possible to cum without him even touching her,

"Oh god," she kissed his neck as they began a slow rhythm, thrusting against each other knowing that if it wasn't for their underwear he would be inside her. Her breath caught in her throat as she felt his hand travelling towards her centre, he pushed her panties down and gently swiped his finger across her clit causing her to stiffen and his cock to throb, she was so wet, so ready for him...he shook the thoughts from him head as he gently stroked her, smiling as she writhed under him, whispering his name.

"Elliot...now, now," she pulled him towards her, kissing him softly, sincerely and honestly. It was then that she realised she hadn't told him something, something very important, she had admitted it in a roundabout way but it wasn't enough.

As he pushed his boxer down and kicked them off he smiled as he watched her, lying there waiting for him, trusting him, wanting him. He slowly lay on top of her again as she opened her legs so that he was perfectly placed, ready to enter her. She pulled his face close to hers and kissed him just once,

"I love you,"

She rolled her hips until she could feel him at her entrance. She closed her eyes as he kissed her, slowly pushing himself into her, wondering if he had ever felt more satisfied in his life than when he was in her.

"El..." she could barely speak, as he stretched her, laying still allowing her to adjust to his size. His naked body fitting perfectly on top of hers as her hands rested on his shoulders, he pulled out slowly, moving his lips to her throat, kissing softly as he thrust into her with a little more force causing her to cry out.

She had never felt more complete, Elliot was inside of her, neither one of them moving, simply being. She loved every inch of him and now she could show him, she thrust into him, smiling as he gave a low growl, she knew he was trying to make it last, to be a sensitive lover but she needed him, every inch of him. As he withdrew and thrust again she dug her nails into his back, struggling not to cry out again.

He ran his hands through her hair as the found a rhythm, slow and sensual just like they had both dreamt, his lips met hers again as he moved with her, wondering how the hell he had gotten so lucky. She wrapped her legs around his hips, pulling him into her even deeper, she had never felt so connected to anyone in her life as he pulled away from her kiss, pulling out of her and keeping perfect eye contact as he entered her again.

"You're amazing," he whispered before taking her nipple into his mouth again, thrusting a little quicker, desperate for her to quiver underneath him,

"Oh god," she gasped as his rhythm increased. "Mmmm, El..." she kissed the top of his head, rolling her hips to meet his thrusts as she ran her hands along his back, her legs still wrapped around his waist.

"Jesus...Liv," he lifted his head to kiss her, to show her how much he loved her as he struggled not to lose control as he moved inside of her. She saw the look in his eyes, she knew he was holding back. She gently pulled his face towards hers, kissing him before whispering,

"It's okay baby,"

He knew exactly what she meant as his lips crashed against hers he thrust into her quickly, causing her to cry out again, he immediately pulled out and pushed back into her, she dug her nails into his back, pulling him closer, needing him closer.

"Oh...God," she whimpered as she met each thrust, wondering if it was possible to die from pleasure.

"Liv," he growled, knowing neither one of them would last much longer, "Christ Liv, I love you, I love you," he whispered as she tightened herself around him,

"Elliot," her moans became almost constant as she felt herself begin to lose the last bit of control she had, "Oh...Oh God," she tightened her grip on him as the pleasure almost became too much to bear, and one last thrust pushed her over the edge. She called out his name as her orgasm swept through her body, clinging to him for dear life, biting down on his shoulder. She couldn't breathe, she couldn't think, she could feel him moving inside of her and she moved her hips to meet his, within moments he collapsed on top of her after spilling his seed inside of her. His lips met hers as he lay, still inside of her the aftershocks of orgasm surging through them both.

She clung to him, grateful that he hadn't pulled out, that they were still connected. She gently ran her hands along his back as he kissed her neck softly, gently, whispering,  
"I love you,"

She had never felt luckier.

**What do you think?? Lol! I'm so scared!!! I've never done this before!! I'm sorry if it wasn't good - or boring?? Bah!!**


	24. Chapter 24

**Here we go the next chapter - look at me not even 24 hours and I'm updating - I bunked off work today so I have no excuse! Enjoy and thank you again for the reviews of the last chapter that was completly out of my comfort zone.**

**This isn't beta'd so forgive any mistakes unless it's MASSIVE! like Elliot rubbing his breasts or something??**

Holly used walked into Olivia's apartment, after knocking and getting no response she wanted to check Olivia was okay, she had rung her at stupid o'clock last night crying because Elliot had left, she knew that she would be devastated, so she used her key, wondering if Olivia was any less upset. She knocked softly on her friend's door, pushing the door slightly when she got no answer.

"Liv..." she stopped.

In front of her Olivia, Elliot and Jamie all asleep in her bed. Jamie was lying on his stomach on Elliot's chest, Olivia lay curled into Elliot's chest her hand over Jamie's as they all slept. It was an image of perfection, Holly smiled and walked out slowly closing the door behind her.

"Holly?" she heard as she reached the front door, she turned to see Olivia, wrapping her robe around herself.

"I came to see if you were okay," she whispered, embarrassed after ruining such an intimate moment.

Olivia smiled softly, walked towards her friend and wrapped her arms around her.

"Thank you," she gave her a soft kiss on the cheek. "You're amazing," she whispered,

"You uh, you guys sorted it out?" Holly asked, trying not to smile to widely.

"We did, thanks to you, you uh, you made me realise what I was missing out on, thank you."

"I'm...i'm so happy for you," Holly took Olivia's hand in hers, "You deserve this Liv,"

The two woman shared a few silent moments both revelling in the fact that they had reached the end of a very long journey, and the knowledge that this new twist simply started a new chapter in their friendship,

"Do you want to stay? I'll make some coffee-"

"No, you go back to your baby and your man, I have a date I need to prepare for," she smiled, a twinkle in her eyes.

"What? Who?"

"A cop actually," she closed her eyes waiting for Olivia's stare,

"A...a cop? You're dating a cop? You who said that you wouldn't be caught dead with a cop?" Olivia smiled, teasing her friend who was a suitable shade of pink.

"He's a good guy, this is our third date-"

"Holly, why didn't you tell me about this guy?" she asked,

"You had a lot going on, now that I know you're okay I'm going to chew your ear off," she smiled.

Olivia's face softened, she pulled her friend into another hug.

"Thank you for everything, you...I don't know what I would have done without you."

"You'd do it for me in an instant," Holly held her friend tightly, "So did you sleep with him?" she whispered, laughing as Olivia pulled away with a look of shock on her face, "I'll take that as a yes! I love you," she kissed her friend on the cheek and opened the front door,

"I love you too...call me, I want to hear all about this cop," she told her friend. The door shut and she heard Holly laughing as she walked along the corridor towards the stairs.

Olivia smiled walking towards her bedroom; she and Elliot had made love three times before Jamie had woken up. He had kissed every inch of her body, touched her in ways she had never been touched before and it had been amazing, but her favourite part...the best part was just after they had made love when he lay on top of her, still inside of her, whispering sweet nothings into her ear, kissing her softly, running his hands through her hair, telling her about the life they were going to have.

Her heart skipped a beat as she walked into her room, her son lay asleep on his daddy's bare chest. There was something so beautiful watching the two men she loved more than anything in the world, both bonding, even in sleep. She leant against the door frame, not wanting to interrupt the beautiful scene in front of her and simply gazed at her two favourite people as they slept

**

Elliot woke slowly, smiling as he felt the rise and fall of his son's chest against his. He'd had barely any sleep, he and Olivia had made love nearly all night and just as they were ready to sleep in each other's arms Jamie had woken up but he wasn't bothered at all, he was so happy that he and Olivia had finally stopped fighting their feelings.

Last night as Olivia lay in his arms he had never felt more complete, the feel of her lips on his, her hands running up and down his arms, it was amazing, she was so beautiful. He had watched her as she slept, the gentle rise and fall of her chest bringing him so much comfort. She was the mother of his child, the love of his life, she was Olivia, and she was finally his. They had made love all night, he tasted every inch of her body, he had wished for this night, dreamt of this night for so long but even in his wildest dreams it wasn't as good as last night had been.

He looked down as James began to stir,

"Morning little guy, where's mommy huh?" he sat up slowly, holding his son close to his chest, "Let's find her," he whispered as Jamie began to whimper, he was such a good baby it was so rare to hear him cry. "It's okay little man," he kissed the top of his head.

**

Olivia looked up as Elliot exited her bedroom carrying her crying son,

"Morning," she smiled, taking Jamie from Elliot's arms and holding him close, "Hey baby, what's the matter?" she asked, kissing him softly on the head. "You hungry?" she leant towards Elliot and kissed him on the lips, "Hey," she smiled, a gentle blush creeping across her cheeks.

**

Olivia sat with Jamie on the sofa, she gently rubbed her hand over her sons back, she had just finished feeding him, Elliot had left for work a few hours before and she missed him already. She did, however love these moments with her son just watching him as he lay content in her arms, she wondered how she ever survived without him, how she ever looked forward to getting up in the morning, how she looked forward to going to work? Jamie was everything she had been waiting for her whole life; it was a million times better than she had imagined.

When she was younger she remembered her mother drunkenly telling her never to have children, that they would only ruin her life and for a little while she believed that. For the first few months of her pregnancy she believed it, it wasn't until she felt James kick for the first time that the resentment slipped away slowly. It wasn't until she saw him for the second time on the ultra sound that she really felt like he was her little miracle and it wasn't until she held him in her arms that she realised exactly how much she would love him and even now it completely overwhelmed her.

She had been warned by other mothers at her Lamaze classes that the first few months were the worst, the endless nights and the constant crying would turn her into a nervous wreck, she wished she could see those women now, show them her beautiful baby who very rarely cried, her son who was more than content to lie in her arms and look around at the new world before him. Jamie was and would forever be her little miracle, and as she gazed at him as his eyes fluttered and began to close she wondered how she had ever gotten so lucky.

She was shaken from her thoughts by the door, she frowned wondering who was visiting knowing the boys were at work and Holly was preparing herself for a hot date. She got up slowly and carried Jamie into her bedroom, laying him in his Moses basket before opening the door.

"Hi Liv."

She stood open mouthed, struggling to speak as Tom stood before her, blonde, tanned and handsome as ever.

"Can I come in?" he asked quietly, cocking his head to the side, wondering if she was ever going to speak.

"Uh, of course, sorry...come in," she moved aside, letting him walk past her as she shut the door. She turned to face him, he was stood in the middle of her living room looking like he had never been there before,

"You had the baby?" he asked softly, "You look amazing I mean your due date was...a week ago?"

"Uh, he was early," she told him softly, seeing his eyes light up as she mentioned her son.

"He...you had a little boy...is he okay?" he asked softly,

"He's perfect...Tom..." she started,

"You want to know why I'm here?" he asked, nodding his head and looking around, "I just...I wanted to check that he was treating you right," he admitted, he had intended to call but couldn't summon the courage apparently it was easier to see her than to hear her, now as he stood across from her she positively glowed, she looked beautiful.

"He is," she spoke quietly, knowing that she was hurting him, "I'm so-"

"Don't say you're sorry, I uh, I just wanted to make sure you and the baby..."

"James...Jamie," she told him,

"Jamie," he nodded, he liked that name, "I uh, I kinda feel attached to the little guy you know? I mean I used to talk to him before I went to sleep, when I woke up...I was going to be his daddy-"

"Tom, I...I didn't ever mean to hurt you and...Elliot and I...we didn't happen until very recently, I don't want you to think that I chose him over you? I didn't ever intend to start a relationship with him, it just...it happened and it's right for us,"

"Can I...can I see him?" he swallowed the lump in his throat,

"Of course you can," she led him slowly into her bedroom and watched as he walked towards the Moses basket, staring at the sleeping infant.

"He uh, he's so small," he barely whispered, this was the baby that he had grown to love over 5 months, the baby he was going to raise as his own, the baby he would never know.

"He's healthy, he's okay," she bit her lip, wondering why it hurt so much to see Tom with her son, then it hit her, she had broken his heart the way Elliot had once broken hers, she had cause him the pain that she had felt all those months ago but he lost more than just her, he loss Jamie too, the chance to know this amazing child. A single tear slid down her cheek as a surge of guilt passed through her, "I'm sorry," she whispered, watching as he too struggled to compose himself.

He looked up at her, he hadn't wanted to upset her, just to make sure that she was okay, he hadn't expected it to hurt this much.

"I know I uh, I shouldn't have come," he walked away from Jamie, towards the living room.

"No, Tom, you...you are a...a good man," she cried, how could she ever have let him into her life, let him fall for her while she was in love with Elliot, how cruel had she been to this poor man.

"And you're a good woman, the best, and uh, this is it now...I'm going away,"

She looked up at him,

"India, to clear my head, so this is it, you uh, you tell Stabler that if he doesn't look after you I'll kick his ass," he walked forwards, hesitantly placing a soft kiss on the top of her head, "You're son is beautiful, he looks just like his mom," he smiled sadly and walked towards the door.

She bit her lip as the tears fell; she had never really understood how much she had hurt Tom, until now. She was shaken from her guilt as her cell rang; she cleared her throat before answering,

"Benson,"

**

Elliot sat with a father whose estranged wife had been murdered, they were no closer to finding the serial killer who hunted single women with new born babies and Elliot was becoming more and more desperate to find the bastard before he left another baby without it's mother.

"I just...I don't understand why someone would want to hurt Angie," Mark Croft spoke softly, shaking his head as he struggled to accept that his wife was gone,

"How long had you two been separated?" Elliot asked,

"3 months, I uh, I had a gambling problem, but we were getting back together, when Laura was born I just...I knew I had to get it together, she was...she was so innocent,"

"How old is your daughter?"

"She's nearly three months, our first...do you have kids?"

"Uh, six," Elliot smiled, nodding as Mark looked at him in disbelief,

"How will I tell Laura what happened to her mother? When she...when grows up?" tears filled his eyes, "She needs her mother detective, what am I going to do?"

"I'm going to find this guy, okay, I'm going to find him," Elliot placed a supportive hand on the younger mans shoulder as he broke down and began to sob.

**

Olivia held James close to her chest in the baby carrier as she walked towards the convenience store, she sighed as she saw Kathleen sat on a stool while the store security guard stood above her.

"Kathleen," Olivia sighed, placing her hand on James back,

"You her mom?" the tall security man asked,

"No I'm her...auntie," she lied, not quite sure what she was to the girl,

"I caught her stealing this, I was going to let her go until she gave me more attitude than Lindsey Lohan,"

Olivia sighed, looking at Kathleen who simply rolled her eyes.

"I'm sorry, I'll pay for whatever it was she took,"

"Cute kid how old?" the security guard asked, smiling as Jamie yawned.

Kathleen rolled her eyes again.

"He's 9 weeks," she told him, motioning for Kathleen to get up. "How much was what she took?" Olivia asked, reaching for her purse.

"$18.99," he handed her Kathleen's handbag, "She's banned from this store, if I see her in here again I'll call the police,"

"I..." she was about to tell him that she was the police but she didn't have the energy, "Okay," she handed him $20, "Come on," she watched as Kathleen stood up and walked ahead of her, she sighed wondering what was so important she had to steal it, no doubt make up or jewellery, she stopped as she found the stolen items, her heart stopped momentarily as she wondered how she was going to tell Elliot about this,

"Kathleen," she called the teenager back.

Kathleen stomped towards her,

"You want to explain these?" she asked opening the bag to reveal two pregnancy tests.

**

The ride to Olivia's apartment had been almost silent, James had slept the whole way home as Kathleen sat with her arms folded looking out of the window, now as they reached her front door and walked in Olivia decided enough was enough,

"Are you pregnant?" she asked, taking James out of his car seat.

No answer.

"Kathleen-"

"I don't know, I don't know that's why i bought the stupid tests-"

"Bought?" Olivia raised her eyebrows,

"I was...I was...whatever-"

"No, not whatever, I came to get you, to help you so let me help, I know I'm not your favourite person right now but you asked them to call me for a reason, you could have called your mom or Maureen?"

"I was embarrassed," Kathleen sighed, sitting on the sofa, "I didn't want them to judge me,"

"I know that feeling," she admitted, remembering when she bought her own 4 pregnancy tests, if it was hard for her at 40 she sympathised with Kathleen who was just 19 years old. "When was your last period?" she asked softly sitting next to her, rubbing James' back.

"7 weeks ago," Kathleen admitted,

"And you're...active?" she asked, waiting for the temperamental teen to flip out,

"Yes," she sighed, "I've...been really stupid and I...I'm scared," she admitted.

Olivia reached across, taking Kathleen's hand in hers,

"It's going to be okay, no matter what happens," she spoke softly,

"He has a girlfriend," she admitted, out of nowhere.

"How long have you and he..."

"It was just once, some idiot at a party really scared me, he was all over me and he wouldn't get off me, Jared stopped him and I don't know what happened, I knew it was wrong but I was so scared..." as the girl spoke Olivia remembered Jamie's conception, the fear, the need to feel safe, the desperation.

"I understand," and she did.

"You and...you and daddy?" she asked, tears filling her eyes.

Olivia nodded,

"This isn't about us though, it's about you, and checking that you're okay so uh, I'll put Jamie to bed and we can find out what's happening?" she offered, smiling softly as Kathleen nodded.

"I'm...I'm sorry Olivia," she admitted as the first tear fell, "I was so angry at you and daddy but I...I understand what happened," she bit her lip, "And I know you didn't mean to hurt anyone, and...I'm sorry," she sobbed,

"Hey, come here," she pulled Kathleen towards her as she cried, careful not to squash Jamie, "You're big sister's crying little man," Olivia smiled as Kathleen stared at Jamie,

"He's beautiful,"

"He's your baby brother, he needs his big sister," she told the young woman.

**

Twenty minutes later Jamie was lying in his Moses basket and Kathleen was in the bathroom, Olivia waited nervously outside praying that the test was negative, how on earth would she explain it to Elliot? He loved his children with every inch of his being and if he found out that Kathleen was pregnant...it would kill him. The door slowly opened, Olivia looked up anxiously waiting to hear the answer,

"I'm not pregnant," Kathleen sighed, holding the two negative tests in her hands,

"Thank God," Olivia wrapped her arms around the young woman, "Are you okay? Are you happy?" she asked softly,

"I'm so relieved, this uh, this is what you went through after you and daddy..."

"It was very scary," Olivia admitted,

"I know, you uh, you didn't have anyone to talk to?" Kathleen asked, throwing the two negative tests into the trash can.

"No, but uh, it all worked out for the best,"

"Do you love my dad?" Kathleen asked, already knowing the answer.

"Very much,"

"Then you two should be together, I uh, I'll lay off, and I'm sorry for what I said about Jamie,"

"I don't ever want him to hear anything like that again Kathleen,"

"He won't, he's...he's my little brother and now I know...well I kind of know what you went through I understand how difficult it was for you to do everything that you did, and I'm sorry," she wrapped her arms around Olivia, holding her tightly, thanking God that the woman she had been so nasty to hadn't turned her back on her when she needed her the most. "Thank you," she whispered.

**

Elliot walked through the front door, surprised to see Olivia and Kathleen sat on the sofa, Kathleen was burping Jamie who had just been fed,

"Uh, Katie..." he started,

"Hi Daddy," she gave him a soft smile,

"What are you doing here sweetie?" he asked softly, neither Kathleen or Olivia had spoken about what they would tell Elliot,

"She called around looking for you and we uh, we had a chat and cleared the air, everything's good again, and Jamie just loves his big sister Katie," Olivia smiled.

Kathleen silently thanked her as she turned her attention back to her little brother, cursing herself for missing so much time with him because of her childish tantrums.

**

An hour later Olivia shut the door as Kathleen left, she smiled as she felt Elliot behind her, wrapping his arms around her,

"What's the real story with Kathleen?" he asked, kissing the side of her head as he held her fomr behind,

"That's the story," she lied.

"I don't know what happened...but thank you, whatever you did...thank you."

She turned to face him, capturing his lips with her own softly,

"I missed you today," she whispered as he pinned her against the door, lifting her hands above her head,

"You did?" he smiled, thrusting his pelvis into hers,

"Mmmmm, I did," she moaned as he kissed her neck, the fire in her stomach burning, aching more and more with every touch.

"Did you miss this?" he asked, placing his hand over her breast.

She nodded, kissing him again with more passion.

"I missed that a lot," she admitted, thrusting herself against his obvious arousal,

"You did huh?"

She shrieked as he suddenly lifted her over his shoulder and carried her towards his room, slamming the door behind him.

The door opened a few seconds later as Jamie's cried echoed throughout the apartment,

"It's okay buddy, daddy's coming," Elliot called as he walked into Olivia's room leaving Olivia herself sat on Elliot's bed laughing at her son's timing, listening to Elliot gently hush Jamie. She took a deep breath for the first time since her son's birth still amazed at how wonderful her life was.

***sigh* I loved writing this chapter, and uh as sad as I am to admit it I think this story is winding down, i'm really sad about it because I want it to go on forever but I'd say one or two more chapters and it's done, I just don't know what I'm going to do without this story!! Obvioulsy write more stories, I have chapter one of a new one written but...I love this story so much!! It makes me really sad to think about ending it, just promise you'll all come with me to the next story??**


	25. Chapter 25

**So I said this would be the last part, but it's taken me FOREVER to get started, so this is just a wee something to tide you over until I can get THE LAST chapter done, sorry for it taking so long, I want to get it just right. The next part is definatly the last part! X**

**Again this is not the last part xx**

_He'd killed her. _

_The rise and fall of her chest was simply a memory as she lay motionless on the floor, he couldn't move, he could only pray that the darkness would envelope him before his heart broke completely. He could barely think straight as the loss of blood threatened to finally take him. His heart was racing, his vision blurry, the desperate beat of his heart was all he could hear as he simply start the woman who just moments before had begged him to end her life. He had killed her, he'd killed her. _

Elliot sat up slowly, his heart racing as he wiped the beads of sweat off of his forehead. It was the third time in weeks that he had dreamt of his last moments of consciousness when he and Olivia had been held by Vickers the first time. With all the drama surrounding Jamie he had barely had time to think about what had happened in the last moments of their capture, of course he had thought about it, before he had found out that Olivia was pregnant it was all he could think about. He had never been more troubled, thinking about his hands around the throat, her gasps as she struggled not to fight him.

As soon as she had told him about Jamie and every thought and regret became about his unborn baby and how he'd treated Olivia. He had had woken a few times in the middle of the night with nightmares about the whole situation but nothing like this, he was being plagued by the memories of hurting Olivia and it was killing him, all he could to was remind himself that she wasn't dead, she was with him.

He was stirred from his thoughts by a hand on his shoulder,

"Hey," she whispered, sitting up and rubbing the sleep from her eyes, "are you okay?" she placed a soft kiss on his shoulder blade, unable to see his face as he sat in front of her.

"Yeah," he lied, holding in the sigh that was desperate to escape. He reached behind to place his hand over hers as it rested on his shoulder, gently running his thumb across her hand.

"El," she felt his back tensing as her lips pressed against his shoulder blade for a second time, "talk to me."

"It's...it's nothing," he turned to face her, trying to reassure her as he smiled and pulled her hand towards his mouth, gently kissing it.

She cocked her head to the side slowly, sympathetically, worried that he was troubled, she could see the pain etched into his face even as he tried to hide it.

"Talk to me," she repeated.

Silence.

"El..."

He released the sigh. He knew he had to be honest with her, that it was the only way they would work, if they went back to the way they used to be they would never survive. He took a deep breath,

"I've been having...nightmares..."

She threaded her fingers through his as he spoke.

"...about...Vickers," he wasn't lying, he just wasn't being specific, she would only feel guilty if he told her exactly what was bothering him.

She shifted in the bed until she was on her knees across from him, her hands placed gently on his neck as she forced him to look her in the eye, ready to listen, silently asking him what he needed her to do.

"Liv..." he closed his eyes, "I just...I need you," he admitted. He needed to feel her, to love her, reassurance that she was okay and that everything was still perfect. He brought his hand around to the back of her neck and pulled her towards him, kissing her slowly, closing his eyes as she slowly ran her tongue along his bottom lip, her hands cupping his face, the feel of his chiselled, unshaven jaw against her soft skin sent shivers down her spine.

His tongue slipped effortlessly into her mouth as her hands travelled towards his chest, along his perfectly formed arms until she held his hands in hers, she threaded her fingers with his, connecting with him on every level. These were the moments she loved the most, when he rested his forehead against hers and simply breathed, when she could almost hear his heart beating.

His lips searched for hers again as he reached for the bottom of her tank top, only stopping the kiss to pull it over her head, he pulled her closer to him until his bare chest met hers as he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her even closer as he ran his tongue along her bottom lip, his penis throbbing as she moaned into his mouth, the moan morphing into a gasp as he ran his thumb across her nipple.

She pressed herself into him feeling his proud erection against her stomach, needing to be closer to it and him, relieved when he slowly pushed her back onto the bed, his lips never leaving hers. She ran her hands along his back, already knowing every inch of him, this was one of her (many) favourite things about him, his toned smooth back. The way his shoulders tensed when he was anxious, when he was mad or even when he was proud, simply made her melt, now as she ran her hands across his shoulder blades as his erection pressed into her stomach, only a pair of panties and his boxers between them, she felt, like always, like she had never wanted him more. Her skin was on fire from his every touch, his lips travelled to her neck and she thought she couldn't even try to hide the moan that escaped from her lips.

His hands travelled from her breasts only to be replaced by his mouth. Olivia inhaled sharply, her back arching to give him better access to her erect nipples, Elliot's tongue gliding across them as his hand travelled along her stomach before reaching her panties. He gently ran his fingers along the material, deliberately skimming her clit, knowing the thin barrier would drive her crazy. As his hand glided across her clit again she bucked into him, whispering "El..."

She pushed his boxers down his legs, desperate, aching to have him inside of her, he mirrored her as he pulled her panties down along her long, luscious legs until she couldn't take it anymore and kicked them off, leaving no barriers between them. She cupped his face and pulled him towards her so that she could see him as he entered her, his eyes were glazed over, a deep, sensual haze surrounded them both as he settled at her entrance, his lips crashing down on hers as she opened her legs to accommodate him and lifted her hips as he slowly entered her.

Every time he entered her she felt complete and unashamedly dependant on him and the way it felt to have him inside of her. She brought her hands down to the column of his neck, feeling closer to him than she ever had. Neither one of them moved as she adjusted to his size, he pressed his forehead against hers, simply drowning in the moment, completely surrounded by her, feeling more loved than he ever had.

There were times when they made love like this, slowly, passionately, when they would savour each moment and each touch as love seemed to surround them. Other times he would take her, or she would take him, or they would take each other, clinging, biting and grasping as he entered her sometimes without warning, pressed against wall, the door, in the shower or in bed when she thought he was sleeping, in the three months since they had finally confessed their love they had made love in every way possible, and she had never wanted anyone more and she knew that she never would.

He shook her from his thoughts as his lips captured her yet again and he slid out of her, pushing into her again as she lifted her hips to meet his and moaned as he filled her. His kiss became more desperate, as he moved his hips and grasped her hands, threading his fingers with hers, holding her down as he thrust into her again, this time with more force. She tightened her grip, her hands wrapped around his as she wrapped her legs around his waist pulling him into her that little bit more.

With each thrust she swallowed a moan, the pleasure in the bottom of her stomach already building. She gasped as he bit her lip, thrusting into her quickly, his tongue darting into her mouth as she struggled not to get lost in him completely, there were times when she could've cried as he made love to her, as he showed her exactly what she meant to him with his action, with his touch. There were times when her love for him completely overwhelmed her and she wondered if it was possible to love someone too much, so much that your heart was fit to burst, so much that it almost hurt.

She was yet again shaken from her thoughts, as she was pulled from the mattress until she was sat on top of him, their bare chests touching as he too sat up, their hearts beating in sync against each other. He pressed his lips into the column of the throat as she wrapped her arms around him, holding him as closer to her as he could as she rolled her hips and they found a new rhythm. His short sharp breaths only encouraging her as his hands travelled along her back, sending shivers down her spine. She loved being this close to him, having her chest pressed against his as he moved inside of her, her arms wrapped around him and his around her, she moaned as his lips travelled to her breast, his tongue circling her nipple.

"I love you," she heard his soft whisper as she began to lose herself in his arms. He thrust up into her as she fought to capture his lips as her orgasm began to take her, she moaned against his lips, knowing that he was as close as she was.

"El..." her high pitched cry pushed him over the edge, he had been trying to hold back to fight the desperate need to let go. He knew that this was her way of letting him know it was okay, that it was okay to let go. He swiftly pushed her onto her back never breaking contact, thrusting into her, ready to release. She wrapped her legs around him needing more of him.

"Yes," she bit down on his shoulder, struggling not to scream as he completely took her. She clung to him as she felt her orgasm nearing, "Oh god...Elliot, mmmmmm,"

"Liv," he grunted as he too neared his climax, he thrust into her just a few more times before they were both pushed over the edge, his lips crashed down on hers as they both rode the aftershocks of their love making. His tongue slipped into her mouth as he collapsed on top of her, still inside of her, moving slowly. She kissed his temple as he lay on top of her, silently thanking him for not pulling out of her.

"I love you," she whispered as she ran her hands along his back, along his perfectly formed ass. When he didn't reply she wondered if she was asleep.

"I can't lose you, I...I need you," he whispered.

She had often wondered if he was frightened and overwhelmed like she had been, she hadn't asked, she knew that one day it would come out, that he would confide in her.

"I...the nightmare is that I killed you, that you didn't wake up when I-"

She didn't need him to finish the sentence that he was struggling with.

"You saved me, you always save me," her lips pressed against his temple again, she gently placed her hands on his neck and pulled him until they were face to face, "I love you, I'm not going anywhere, ever," she reassured him, almost thankful that she wasn't the only one who was scared.

He nodded slowly and she was almost sure that he was ready to cry, he gently tucked his face back into the crook of her neck and she held him, still inside her, until he fell asleep.

**I know I've been a wee bit rubbish getting this last chapter done but I promise it's on the way! Maybe even tonight! Xx**


	26. Chapter 26

**Oh my goodness, this is the last chapter of this story! I'm so sad!!**

**I have worked on this all day - and it's actually 5.30 am, I have literally just finished, I promised it would be up tonight.**

**I want to thank you all from the bottom of my hear for all of your support with this story, you have made this story an absolute pleasure to write, please stay with me as I try to re-create this magic in my other stories. I don't think I'll be able to explain how grateful I am to you all. Thank you for making thsi story what it is! This is a long one, it may seem a bit random but you knwo what?? It works for me lol, hopefully it will for you too! X Xxxxx**

Olivia held her 5 month old son as she fed him, watching every movement every eye flutter as he fought with sleep, she gently ran her free hand along the side of his cheek as he finally gave in and closed his eyes, still suckling in his sleep. Her son was beautiful, she had watched him grow every day for 5 months, amazed as he did something new every day. This was her life and she had never been happier, nor could she imagine ever being so, her son made her complete, watching him grow, watching him smile and kick his legs and wave his arms whenever she walked into his room in the morning was the highlight of her day, his smile literally made her beam. She smiled herself as she remembered the first time she'd seen him smile,

_Elliot sighed as he walked into the apartment, it was days like today that he wondered if giving up his apartment was a good idea, he needed some time. He'd lost a child today, a three year old little boy snatched from his mother and later found murdered and molested. He had held the child's mother as she sobbed in his arms asking why her baby had been taken, he wanted nothing more than to drink himself into oblivion and forget the horrific day he had had._

"_Hey Daddy."_

_He looked up as Olivia walked out of the bathroom with a very wet 11 week old Jamie in her arms, he was wrapped in the duck towel that Cragen had bought when he was 2 weeks old, "Daddy's here," she placed a gentle kiss on her sons wet head, "How was your day?" she asked as she walked towards him, placing a soft kiss on his lips, smiling as she held James close to her chest. _

__

Elliot gently wiped his hand over his sons head.

_Her smile faded as she saw his weak attempt at a smile, she kissed him again briefly._

"_I'm going to get him dressed okay?" she asked softly, giving him a soft smile as she walked into James' room. "Daddy's gonna come say hello in a little while baby," she sighed as she lay him softly on his changing mat, "Did you have a nice bath?" she asked in her newly developed softer voice, just for James. She ran her hand along his stomach, smiling as she watched him kick the towel until it was no longer covering him, "Did you have a nice bath time?" she opened her mouth widely as she ran her hand along his stomach again. She'd never imagined herself doing the "baby talk" and "baby faces" but she just couldn't help herself. She tickled his stomach lightly as she gasped and made faces at her baby boy, she watched as his eyes widened, reacting to her every move and sound. _

_Olivia suddenly froze as Jamie's lips formed a gummy smile, it was like a million fireworks went off in her stomach as she watched her son bare his gums for the first time._

"_Oh my god," she released the breath she didn't know she was holding, "Did you...did you smile for mommy?" she was completly overwhelmed._

"_What's wrong?" _

_She turned to Elliot who was wondering why she was staring at their son as if he had two heads,_

"_He smiled," she said simply, turning to the father of her child, watching as his face changed to mirror hers._

"_What?" he walked towards her, unable to hide his grin_

"_He just...I was tickling him and he did it...he smiled," she turned her attention back to her son who was simply staring at his parents, possibly wondering what all the fuss was about. "Didn't you?" she again ran her fingers across her sons stomach as both she began making the same faces as before. Again Jamie's eyes lit up and he smiled widely._

_Elliot felt his heart miss a beat as his youngest son grinned at him as his mother pulled ridiculous faces. He watched as Olivia could no longer contain her joy,_

"_You smiled for mommy and daddy, my baby boy," she picked his up kissing the top of his head and cuddled him, smiling further when Elliot wrapped his arms gently around her, placing a hand over Jamie's belly and kissing Olivia on the top of the head, thanking God that he didn't have somewhere else to go, knowing that this was exactly where he needed to be._

**

Olivia smiled as Holly walked towards her, they had arranged to meet in a quiet cafe, it had been nearly three months since they had last met.

"Oh my god, look at him," Holly excitedly held her arms out for Jamie, who was now twice the size he had been when she saw him last,

"You want to say hello to Auntie Holly?" Olivia smiled as she handed her baby to her best friend.

"He's huge!" Holly said, eyes wide. "You're such a big boy," she smiled, smothering him in kisses. "I have missed you," she smiled as she hugged Olivia, pulling her close.

"We've missed you! Where have you been?" she asked as they both sat down at the table.

"Well..." she blushed slightly, "I know what you're going to say before you even say it so I'm just going to tell you and I don't want you to worry because I know it's fast but I just- I can't-"

"Holly?" Liv frowned, wondering why her friend was talking quicker than she'd ever heard her, "Oh...are you pregnant?" she asked, staring at her friend.

"Oh god no!" Holly practically shrieked, Jamie jumped slightly, "Oh I'm sorry kiddo," she placed a soft kiss on her nephews head, "No I uh, I'm moving to Manhattan," she smiled, waiting for Olivia's response.

"What?!" Olivia asked as a smile spread across her face.

"I was thinking about it when you had Jamie, I thought maybe we would live together but then you and Elliot got back together,"

"Oh Holly-"

"No, no it's good, trust me, you two...hell it's been a decade, I was happy for you, but uh, I missed you and the peanut when I went back and uh...Chris and I are getting more serious-"

"The cop?" Olivia asked raising her eyebrows, smiling as Holly blushed again.

"Yes the cop, it's been three months now and uh, I really like him, so that's him you and little man here, three very good reasons to stay don't you think?" she asked with a smile.

"You're really...you're really moving here?" she asked, unable to hide the grin. The grin grew as Holly nodded.

**

"So how's the sex?" Holly asked brazenly.

Olivia looked up at her with wide eyes, looking at her son.

"He doesn't know what sex is," Holly whispered, as if that meant Jamie wouldn't hear, "Just....cover his ears," she smiled as Olivia tried to hide her smirk. "Why do we never talk about sex, I know you're having it-"

"Holly," she shook her head, she had missed her friend a hell of a lot, no one else had the power to make her laugh like Holly.

"Come on at least tell me did you have it last night? I know that man and I bet you two can't keep your hands off each other, come on last night, you did right?" she raised her eyebrows as Olivia shook her head,

"Yes," she admitted slowly, she was never one to gossip about her sex life, especially now that she was with Elliot, it was so intimate, she hated to belittle it by gossiping although at times she was desperate to shout from the rooftops that she had the best lover in the world, she simply resisted the urge and made love to her man instead.

"More than once? It was more than once wasn't it?" as Holly spoke Olivia laughed out loud.

"Holly, I have told you that I don't like-"

"Just nod, not for the amount of times that you had sex last night – oh my god do you two have sex everynight?"

"We have a baby, we..." she shook her head again, finally giving in. "We have a very good sex life...three," she whispered, grinning as Holly's eyes widened.

"You had sex three times last night?!" Holly screeched, immediately regretting the volume as she saw the "I'm going to kill you" look spread across Olivia's face as the few people in the cafe turned to look at her, some disgusted, some jealous.

"See this is why we don't talk about sex," she covered her face as an older man in the corner winked at her, the blush spread across her cheeks refusing to leave.

**

"Daddy!" Elliot looked up as Eli ran towards him, literally jumping into his arms.

"Hey little man!"he kissed his son, turning to Kathy.

"I'm sorry to just drop by," she said slowly, looking around to see if anyone else was there. Everyone was out of the office apart from Cragen who was in his office.

"Is everything okay?" he asked, trying not to sound too worried.

"Everything is good I just...I wanted to talk to you, do you have a minute?" she asked softly.

He nodded as he carried his son towards the locker room.

**

"I'm seeing someone," she admitted, waiting for his reaction.

"You uh, you're...you couldn't tell me tomorrow?"

"Well, I was going to but Kathleen found out and I wanted to talk to you before she did, you know how she gets sometimes – I just wanted you to hear it from me,"

"Who is he?" Elliot asked, unsure of how he was supposed to feel.

"He's a doctor, I've known him for years...he's a good man-"

"Can I meet him?" he cut her off, watching as Eli played with his badge.

"Not yet," she told him, hands in her pocket as she bit her lip.

"I want to meet him before the kids-"

"Elliot-"

"They're my kids, I want to meet the man who's going to be around them-"

"Elliot, I understand and you will, Mike is-"

"I like Mike," Eli's spoke softly and slowly as he put his tiny fingers through the button holes on his father's jacket,

"You uh, you like Mike huh?" he ran his hand through Eli's golden curls. The little boy smiled and continued cuddling his father, it had only been a couple ofdays since he had last seen Eli but he had already changed so much, he was sure he had more curls, had he grown? He missed spending time with his children, he was terrified that he would visit one day and Eli would have no idea who he was.

"He just met him for a few minutes, it wasn't anything..." she shook her head, "I'm trying to let you know now-"

"You should have told me before he met our son,"

"Like you should have told me before you...you know what I don't want to fight with you, I uh, I wanted to let you know-"

"Have you slept with him?" he asked, tensing his jaw, wondering why it was bothering him so much.

"That's none of your business-"

"Of course it's my business, you're the mother of my kids, I want to know-"

"You don't have the right to ask that question," they were both talking in low tones, not wanting to alarm Eli who was obliviously playing with the buttons on his father's shirt. "You know you don't," she shook her head.

"I...this feels weird," he admitted, unable to explain it any other way.

"You're being a massive hypocrite, you...you left me for another woman," she whispered, she rolled her eyes. This wasn't what she had imagined when she thought about telling him, he had no right to demand a vetting process, they hadn't just separated, he cheated on her, had a baby with another woman, he had no right to feel wierd, no right at all.

"No I didn't-" he shook his head, struggling not to raise his voice.

"Do you really wnat to get into this now?" she asked, placing one hand on her hip. "This was obviously a mistake," she sighed.

She and Elliot were friendly but had never spoken about him and Olivia and their new found relationship, Maureen had told him that she had found her mother crying after Elliot had told her about him and Olivia, something that nearly broke his heart. Kathy had never been anything but supportive and she deserved to be happy.

"Is he a good guy?" Elliot asked softly.

**

Olivia smiled as she sat watching her son as he sat in his bouncy chair, staring at the colours in front of him on the teddy that she held in front of him, both the teddy and bouncy chair a present from Fin who, along with Much positively melted at the sight of her beautiful son.

"You like that huh?" she asked as her son giggled, as she was yet again overwhelmed by the love she felt for him. "Is this your favourite one huh?" she asked, "I think Uncle Fin will be pretty impressed to hear that," as she spoke and jiggled the blue and red octopus in front of him, Jamie giggled and kicked his legs. Every time her baby giggled she loved him just that little bit more, it seemed virtually impossible as she was already fit to burst from the love she had for her baby boy. "How did I get so lucky hey baby? How did I get you?" she gently ran the side of her finger along his chubby cheek.

She stood up as she heard a gentle knock on the door.

"Who's come to visit us?" she asked, walking towards the door, she pulled open the door with a smile wondering who had come to visit. Before she could even see who was on the other side she was sent flying, a searing pain in the side of her face as she collapsed on top of the coffee table. She struggled to move as a deep pain ran through her body as the sound of her baby screaming sent her into a blind panic. Everything was blurry, she struggled to crawl towards her son, not even getting half way there, the sound of her son's distress the only thing she could hear or think about before she could think no longer and the darkness enveloped her.

**

Elliot sat with Kathy in the locker room after talking for a half an hour, Fin had taken Eli to get an ice cream to give them both some space, sensing the tension when he walked into the room to change his jacket.

"I uh, I want you to be happy and you may think I have no right after everything that's happened-"

"It's not about that Elliot, I've...I've forgiven you for that, you know I have and you know that I love that little boy," she told him, "He's been the making of you, he really has, you have been amazing with the kids all of them, and you're right, you have every right to want to be involved, to want to vet this guy, but if you run in there all guns blazing, you're going to push him away and that's not fair, I didn't do that to Olivia," everything she said made perfect sense.

"I'm not going to frighten him off, he uh, he's lucky to have you," as he finished his sentence Eli ran through the door closely followed by Fin,

"Hey buddy," Elliot opened his arms and scooped his son up, "Thank you," he mouthed to Fin who promptly left.

"Daddy park?" Eli asked, both Kathy and Elliot shared a glance. "Daddy?"

"Let's go to the park," Elliot smiled as he picked his son up and carried him out the door closely followed by Kathy.

**

45 minutes later Elliot smiled as he walked up the stairs towards his apartment, he had had a great time in the park with Eli, watching him run and play. He and Kathy had cleared the air and he felt like things were going to be okay, she had assured him that Tom was a good man and he had promised not to run a background check on him.

He was shaken from his thoughts as he neared the floor of the apartment as he heard the unmistakable sound of Jamie's screams. His son barely cried and he certainly never screamed. He sprinted towards his apartment, his heart stopping as he found the door ajar.

"Liv," he fell to knees as Olivia lay on the floor, unresponsive and unconscious. He felt for a pulse as the panic threatened to consume him, after feeling her pulse he scrambled towards Jamie as he picked up his cell phone, "This is detective Stabler of Manhattan SVU...." the rest of the call was a blur as he picked his son up and held him close to his chest, desperately trying to calm his son as he screamed. "It's okay," he knelt next to Olivia, "Liv, come on Liv wake up."

She had a large bruise along the side of her face, he could see from the broken coffee table that she had landed on top of it. "Please Liv, please wake up..."

**

Elliot sat in the small hospital chair, watching as Olivia lay in the hospital bed, she had yet to wake up. She had a fractured cheekbone and broken rib from the impact of the coffee table. Jamie was now asleep in his arms after finally calming down, he had been so distressed it had taken Elliot nearly an hour to get him to stop crying. The Doctors had already done a brain scan and there was no swelling or bleeding it was simply a case of waiting for her to wake up, he'd been told that it was not uncommon for head injuries to cause unconsciousness for a few hours, and that if she didn't wake up in the next hour they would do another brain scan.

He looked up as Kathy walked into the room,

"Oh my god, what happened?" she asked, visibly shocked by the battered and bruised state that Olivia was in.

Elliot shook his head, he looked like a broken man.

"I got home, the door was open...Jamie was screaming and she wasn't moving...I thought..." he couldn't finish his sentence, he thought that she was dead when he walked in and saw her on the ground and for a few moments his whole world crashed around him. The blood rushed around his head as his heartbeat thumped violently, his heart threatening to break at any moment.

"Is she going to be okay?" Kathy asked, she had left Eli with Maureen and Kathleen and driven to the hospital as quickly as he could.

"The Doctors said she'd make a full recovery,"

"Do you know who-"

"I'm going to kill the son of a bitch," his voice was a low growl, something she wasn't sure she'd heard from him before.

"How's Jamie?" she asked softly, staring at the sleeping baby.

"He was... he was screaming...God," he sat up slowly, trying not to wake his son.

"Do you want me to take him home?" Kathy offered, gently taking the baby from his arms. It was one of only a couple of times that she had held Jamie, having found it too hard before.

"Kath, I..."

"I have all of Eli's old things, I'll take him for the night, you can stay with Olivia," she offered looking at the sleeping baby.

"Thank you," he kissed his son on the top of the head, "I'll call you as soon as I know what's going on," he placed a gentle hand on her shoulders, "Tell the kids not to worry and call me if he won't settle he-"

"El, I've had 5 babies, he's going to be fine, I promise I'll look after him," she watched as Elliot yet again kissed the top of his sons head.

"Thank you Kath,"

"You're welcome, let me know how she is?" she asked looking at Olivia, walking out slowly.

**

She was in pain, she couldn't remember the last time she had felt such pain. She struggled to open her eyes, her head swimming, her eyes heavy.

"Liv," she heard Elliot's soft voice and tried to answer, all she could manage was a moan. "It's okay, I'm here, you're in the hospital, you're okay-"

"Jamie," she whispered as she finally opened her eyes, grasping Elliot's hand.

"He's okay, he's fine, he's with Kathy and the kids," he kissed her hand softly, "I thought I'd lost you,"

"What happened?" she mumbled, everything was so cloudy, the air seemed so thick.

"You were attacked, Munch and Fin and working on it, we're going to find out what happened okay? But you're safe and Jamie's safe..."

"El," she looked at him, her heavy head becoming less and less cloudy, "Jamie was screaming," she whispered.

"I know, but he's okay, he was looked over by a doctor-"

"Was he hurt?"

"No, he wasn't I promise you, he's fine, you're pretty roughed up," he kissed the top of her head, lingering for just a few moments.

**

Half an hour later Olivia was sat up in the bed asking when she could go home, Elliot had begged the doctors to at least keep her overnight.

"Elliot please, I just want my baby-"

"Liv," he took a deep breath, "You were unconscious-"

"I know that."

"I uh, I...the doctor wants to do a rape kit," he spoke slowly.

"I wasn't raped Elliot," she shook her head, holding his hand, tightening her grip.

"You were unconscious-"

"I would know if I was raped-"

"Please," he begged, "You know as well as I do that there's a chance-"

"I..." she closed her eyes, she would know if she had been raped. She had however been unconscious and alone with someone who had stolen nothing from their apartment. "Okay, just...I want to go home afterwards,"

"I was thinking, we should stay with Kathy and the kids, just for tonight-"

"Elliot," she was about to tell him that there was no need. Then it hit her, someone knew where she lived, someone that wanted to hurt her, that had hurt her. "Okay," she sighed. She looked up as the doctor walked in.

"Okay Miss Benson, have you thought about the rape kit, it's not scary it's just..." as the doctor spoke she remembered the speech of by heart, having sat with so many victims. There was a hint of doubt in her mind, had she been raped? She tightened her grip on Elliot's hand as the doctor began the examination.

**

Kathy opened the front door with a gentle smile on her face as Elliot supported Olivia as they both walked in the door,

"Kathy-" Olivia started, amazingly grateful to the woman who should have been slamming the door in her face.

"How are you feeling?" Kathy asked softly, knowing that Olivia would be uncomfortable. She placed a gentle hand on the other woman's shoulder, watching as Olivia swallowed a sigh or a sob. She had a large purple bruise along the left side of her face and was obviously in pain.

"I'm fine," she whispered, "Uh, thank you for this I just...is Jamie okay?" she asked softly.

"He's in Eli's room, he's fine, he's had a little cry but he's okay, I fed him some formula I hope that's okay, I know your breastfeeding,"

"Thank you," she was thoroughly exhausted.

"Kathleen is out for the night, she said you guys could sleep in her bed, El, you can carry the Moses basket into the room, it's easy to move," she smiled.

"Hey mom- Liv are you okay?" Lizzie's concern was obvious.

Olivia simply nodded, pain overwhelming her with every move.

"Lizzie, will you help Liv upstairs to Katie's room? I'll make you some tea," he kissed the top of Olivia's head as the Stabler's youngest daughter led her towards the stairs.

"How is she?" Kathy asked, waiting until Olivia was out of ear shot.

"The rape kit was negative,"

"Thank God, so you don't know what happened?"

"By the looks of it someone hit her as soon as she opened the door and left, Munch and Fin are following some leads."

"I'm surprised you're not out there yourself," Kathy admitted. There was a time when if something happened to one of the squad, especially Olivia, Elliot had to be there.

"She needs me here...is this okay?" he asked.

"Of course it is, I told you before, everything is okay now, make sure Olivia knows that you guys can stay as long as you need to."

**

Olivia lay in Kathleen's large bed, wide awake. Elliot had brought the baby in over an hour ago and he was lying next to her, gently cradling her. The sounds of her sons screams running through her mind, what if who ever had attacked her had taken Jamie? Hurt him or worse? She bit back the sob that was threatening to escape as the first tear fell. Someone had attacked her in her home in front of her son, she was so angry that she hadn't protected Jamie from what he must have seen. The sob escaped.

"Hey," she felt Elliot shift slightly, careful not to touch her ribs. "It's okay," he pressed his lips into her temple, "You're okay," as he comforted her she broke down, the tears freely flowing as he held her in his arms.

**

"We've got him!" it had been seven days since Olivia had been attacked and Munch and Fin had been working nonstop to find the bastard who had done it.

"Who is he?" Elliot asked, shifting in his desk, waiting for the name of the man he had to kill.

"Raymond Thomas, Liv arrested him about a year ago, he got 9 months for domestic abuse, he got out a few months ago and he'd been looking for Liv, he confessed everything. He intended to hold her hostage, try and get access to his child who he'd been banned from seeing," Munch spoke.

"What stopped him?" Elliot asked, trying not to tense his jaw.

"Jamie, he didn't know she had a baby, he freaked out when he realised how hurt she was, he said if he had known that she had a kid he would never have touched her."

"Son of a bitch, does Liv know?"

"I called her first, how is she?"

"She's been okay, a little jumpy but this will put her mind at ease," he sighed. He had watched Olivia pull herself together just a few days after the attack, she knew that whoever had hurt her had had the opportunity to do much worse but hadn't. He was immensely proud of her, watching her carry on with her life, not allowing fear to take over. She had confessed to him just the night before that after Harris she promised herself that she would never live in fear again, he'd kissed her and asked he if she knew how amazing she was, of course she blushed and told him to shut up. He loved her with every inch of his being and he was itching to get home to her and her son.

**

One week later Olivia watched as Elliot spun around with Jamie in his arms,

"You like that huh?" he asked as Jamie giggled. Kathy had just been around to drop off some of Eli's old clothes as Jamie appeared to grow out of different clothes ever day. The tension that had once been hidden was merely a memory as Olivia offered to take Eli for a night if Kathy needed her to and Kathy offered the same with Jamie. They would never be best friends and everyone knew it, but this was a happy compromise.

"Are you ready to go to bed little man?" Elliot asked kissing his sons forehead, "Say goodnight to mommy,"

"Goodnight baby," Olivia placed a kiss on her son's chubby cheek, smiling as she heard Elliot begin his night time song, apparently Jamie was a fan of meatloaf, two out of three was his favourite. Olivia couldn't count the times she had watched her lover sing the song to her son, it never got old.

She smiled as Elliot walked out of Jamie's room.

"Well hello," Elliot flopped onto the sofa next to her, he looked up at her, resting in her shoulder and winked.

"Oh no," she shook her head, grinning widely.

"What?" he asked, shrugging, placing a soft kiss on her shoulder.

"I know what you're after Stabler, you're not getting it," she laughed as he sat up and placed exactly 4 soft, shirt kissing on the nape of her neck. "Mmmm, not happening," she almost moaned as his hand travelled under her shirt towards her breasts.

"Not happening?"

"I...still have a broken rib," she took a deep breath as his thumb circled her nipple.

"The doctor said you'd be okay, I'm sure we can find a way-"

"Maybe I'm not in the mood?" she asked, knowing full well that she was, and that even if she wasn't all she needed was for him to keep doing what he was doing with his hand and she soon would be.

"You, you're always in the mood."

She looked at him, pretending to be insulted.

"There's just something about me, you can't resist," the shit eating grin almost cause her to break her cool, calm, collected composure.

"Oh there is huh?" she asked, closing her eyes as Elliot lips settled above hers, awaiting the feel of his lips upon hers.

"I guess if you're not in the mood?" he pulled away, sitting on the opposite side of the sofa.

She looked at him, trying to hide the shock and irritation on her face.

"Something wrong dear?" Elliot looked away, unable to keep a straight face.

"No nothing at all," she stood up slowly, and began unbuttoning her shirt. "I'm just going to go and uh, get into bed, you don't mind if I sleep naked do you? I mean obviously neither of us are in the mood but you know, it's hot," she smiled, watching his eyes widen as her shirt dropped to the floor closely followed by her bra, jeans and panties. "Good night," she smiled as she walked into the bedroom. 1...2...3...

"Well you know..."

She smiled, Benson one Stabler nil!

"...If you're going to be naked anyway?" he walked into the bedroom, pulling her close to him and kissing her without even a second of hesitation. She wrapped her arms around him tightly, pulling him closer to him. How could she ever have enough of this man? The second he was near her she wanted him in every way possible. She gasped aloud as without warning a finger entered her, this was going to be a good night...

**

Olivia woke to find Elliot's side of the bed empty. She got up slowly and walked into the living room. She smiled softly as she saw the man of her dreams asleep on the sofa, with her other favourite man fast asleep on top of him, resting on his chest. The rise and fall of their chests was beautiful, she leant into the doorframe simply staring at the two most important people in her life.

Fourteen months ago she had slept with Elliot Stabler, now as she watched her son and his daddy sleep peacefully she didn't doubt for a second that everything she had been through, minus the psycho's had been worth it. She had a beautiful son, a wonderful lover and the life she had dreamt about for years, for the first time in her life she silently thanked God. She had cried so much in the past 14 months, it was worth every tear, her baby was perfect and his daddy was amazing. Every action, every touch, every word, ever lie, every tear had lead to this moment, before her son was born she was wondered what she had done to deserve such bad luck, such repercussions from her every action but after watching for at least 10 more minutes she came to a pretty astounding realisation; Olivia Benson loved the repercussions of her actions, she loved consequences and she would be thankful for them every time she looked at her beautiful son and his father.

She had never dreamt that she would have this kind of a life, she had never been the girl who got what she wanted, and although she went the long way around, the emotional way around she knew that she would spend the rest of her life wondering how she had gotten so lucky...

**Oh my goodness I can't believe it's over!! *sob*  
Again thank you for everything! Be sure to check out Original Sin, I fully intend to drag you guys along with me to my new stories. I hope this was everything you wanted it to be! Xx**


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